Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Kingdom for a Thin Mint

So the Girl Scout Cookies are here.


Just great.

I bought four cases of Thin Mints.

I sent them to the troops.

I almost felt like enlisting.

So I don’t have any Girl Scout Cookies.





I actually feel refreshingly free.

No pressure to eat a box an hour.

I can sit here happily with my carrot chips and apple slices. I may even have a cool drink of water. Boy I wish I could have some broccoli today to take the edge off. That would be perfect.



The damn things are everywhere!!!!!!!

So here’s the deal. One of the temptresses that works for me has every kind of Girl Scout Cookie imaginable on her desk.

Right out in the open.

Can you believe it?

I wanted to stab her in the head with my letter opener. But I had just used it to cut my apple.

I can smell the damn things from my office. In my head I start to do the caloric math. If I have one serving of Thin Mints, which I believe, is one plastic sleeve, that’s 16 cookies at 40 calories each for a total of 640 calories a serving. I have to walk twenty paces to her office so that will burn off about 300 calories. Today is Thursday so I get an automatic deduction of 200 calories. I looked briefly at the sun so that’s another 150 calories. I watched 15 seconds of an infomercial for a Bow Flex at 10 calories a second so that’s another 150 calories. So let’s see… if I eat 16 Thin Mints I will actually burn off 160 calories or... I could just eat 4 more and break even.

I didn’t even need my calculator for that.

So I walk over to her office, breaking a sweat midway and… and… there are no Thin Mints.

What the hell?

How can you have every kind of Girl Scout Cookie right out in the open and not put out Thin Mints?

“Uh….. No Thin Mints?”

“I don’t put those out.”


“People eat them all so I don’t put them out.”

“What are you some type of heathen?”

“They eat the Thin Mints too fast so I just take them home for me.”

“How many boxes do you have?”


“I just want to know.”

“A few.”

“How many is a few?”


“I’ll give you $100 for them.”

“They’re not for sale.”


“I’m not selling them.”

“$300 final offer.”

“I’m not selling my Thin Mints.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I can’t sell them to you. Your wife says you’re not supposed to eat them.”

“My wife doesn’t work for me.”

“Have a carrot.”


“Your wife told us that if you ask for Thin Mints we’re supposed to tell you to eat a carrot.”

“Remind me to fire her when I get home.”

“You know there are other kinds of cookies here.”

“I wanted Thin Mints. Hell. What are these? Chocolate Chip? I guess I’ll have a few of those.”

“Um… Those...”


“They’re sugar free.”

“They taste like crap. What’s happening to this country when the Girl Scouts start selling garbage like this? That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth and I drink tequila. God that’s bad. PLLLLTTTTTT!!!!!! PLLLLLTTTT!!!!!! Don’t they taste test this filth.”


“Why would you buy these?”

“They have less calories.”

“So does dog poop but you don’t eat that. Let me see that box. Wait a minute. These actually have more calories than a Thin Mint. Look at this. A serving is 3 cookies and there’s 160 calories a serving. That’s about 54 calories a cookie. A Thin Mint is only 40 calories a cookie!!!!!”

“I didn’t know.”

“Why in the hell would they make a sugar free cookie that tastes that bad and then make it more calories than a Thin Mint. Who was the marketing genius behind that? That idiot needs to be hanged!”

“I guess I could open a box of Thin Mints. But...”

“Of course you could. You’d actually be helping me lose weight.”

“Can I still have the $300?”

“Do you still want a job?”

“You should probably just have a carrot.”

“How much is my wife paying you?”

“I’m not supposed to say.”

“Obama gets elected and now this. I can’t believe this. Communists everywhere. Stupid Democrats. Stupid sugar free cookies. Stupid Thin Mints. Stupid Girl Scouts. Stupid Democrats. Stu…”

“You already said Stupid Democrats.”

“They deserved it twice.”

“Just go back to your office. Maybe you should drink one of your diet shakes.”

“Does a diet shake crunch like Thin Mint?”

“Maybe if you walked around the block....”

“With my luck those little Girl Scout drug dealers will be selling the damn things on the corner... Wait..... Maybe I will go for a walk.”

“Um…. You’re supposed to give us your money clip if you leave the building.”

“My wife?”


“Fine. I’ll just go back to my office. I’ll have a carrot stick. Yum. My life is whole now. I hope you’re satisfied.”


“Andrea? It’s Mimi. Tony did exactly like you said but we didn’t give him any Thin Mints.”

“That’s great. I’ll give him a little treat for being good when he gets home.”

“Thin Mints?”

“Nope. Lucky Charms.”

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

She loves the smell of shopping in the morning.

We’re in March so all of my... okay... the one New Years Resolution I made is already broken. I had resolved to have an “Ab” by the end of the year but…okay… maybe resolved isn’t the best word. I had “hoped” to have an “Ab”, but that would have required crunches that are not made by Nestles so that ain’t gonna happen.

So here we are in March, the season of Lent. Apparently being Catholic I’m supposed to give up something for Lent. So I figured I’d give up the same thing I gave up for New Years.


My wife on the other hand made a real sacrifice. She gave up shopping. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen her weeping over an Estee Lauder catalog. She was crying and smacking herself in the head with it. The entire time she just kept repeating the same phrase, free gift with purchase (smack)... free gift with purchase (smack...”

I wanted to laugh.

But I was afraid.

My wife gave up shopping?

Part of me was thinking, “There is a god”. The other part was thinking, “Maybe that’s not my wife.”

What if the “pod” people captured my wife and substituted her for an alien that was on a budget?

Um... Maybe.......


I would want my real wife.

She’s the only one that knows where my keys are.

I wonder...... Would this alien give me back the television remote?

“Um... Hi babe.”

“YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! (smack)”

“What? Why is this my fault? And stop hitting yourself in the forehead with that catalog.”

“I can’t believe you made me give up shopping. (smack)”

“Me? I made you give up shopping? Are you telling me that there is some magical word out there that I spoke that put a curse on your credit cards? Because if there is I need to know what it is for when this no shopping thing wears off.”

“Don’t screw with me right now Calabrese.”

“What? What did I do?”

“I gave up shopping for Lent so I could go to Ireland.”

“And that is my fault because.......?”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“You’re just going through withdrawals.”

“I gave up shopping!!!!!!!!!!! And on top of that I’ve got some kind of bites all over me, I’m itchy, I’m bitchy and... And... something needs to die.”

“Uhhhh... I need to go put something away... a lot.”

“Free gift with purchase, (smack)”.

“Jeez just buy something babe. You’re gonna have a big red welt in the middle of your forehead.”

“Really? You want me to buy something? Really?”

“Is that a trick question?”

“A supportive husband would see the effort his wife is making to save money for her trip but nooooooooo........... You want me to break my Lent sacrifice. I can’t believe you. (Smack)”

“This is one of those times that no matter what I say I’m wrong isn’t it?”

“Pretty much.”

“Smack away babe. Smack away.”

I have to give her credit. Every year my wife her aunt and her cousin go to New York usually over St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe the whole St. Patrick Day thing has rubbed off on them because now they want to go to Ireland. Why three Portuguese women want to go to Ireland I have no idea? Are there outlet malls in Dublin?

So they are going to spend a couple days in New York, see a couple of plays and then fly to Ireland. The whole trip isn’t going to be cheap so she’s making an effort to save a few bucks now.

But she’s a tad edgy.

The following is an e-mail she sent to me today:

“I was in our little coffee area grabbing my yogurt and mentioned I was hungry. Rosemary brought me a "Bora Bora Organic Snack Bar".... yeeeaaahhh, that's what I was craving.... seeds!! It looks like something a big bird would crap! She said it's very nutritious... code for "tastes like shit"!!

So, to sum up.... I'm in shopping jail, I was viciously and repeatedly attached by unknown insect assailants, blown off by my doctor, and then offered bird crap to make me feel better. What's wrong with this picture??? How did this become my life???”

So I needed to do something to make her feel better.

I bought her a box of Lucky Charms.

I haven’t given it to her yet.

That’s a gift you have to give at the right moment.

Like when they’re boarding..........

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

A "short" one.....

As many of you know I’ve been married for thirty one years.

In a row.

I’ve had many conversations with my wife over the past thirty one years and there is no way a man’s brain could store all that information coming out of her mouth.

My head would have exploded a long time ago.

That’s why when my wife starts to talk to me about stuff I could care less about my mind tends to drift.

I’m pretty good at the “look”. You know that glassy eyed stare that makes it look like you’re paying attention but all you actually hear is Waa waa waa waa waa.

The problem is sometimes something pops into my head while she’s talking to me and I can’t get it to leave.

“So I’m going to work out with Christine tonight and waa waa waa waa waa…..”
(Way out west….way out west.)

“We’ll probably have dinner at waa waa waa waa waa……”
(There’s story told… there’s a story told.)

“Then when I get home tonight I need you to waa waa waa waa waa…….”
(Bout a bunch of cowboys, tiny and bold… tiny and bold.)

“Don’t forget I need you to waa waa waa waa waa…..”
(Riding tall…. riding tall.)

“So when my sister calls we need to waa waa waa waa waa….”
(Tall in the saddle, herding cows the size of schnauzers but they’re cattle.)

“Are you listening to me? Waa waa waa waa waa…..”
(Yipee aye yay mini sirloin burgers, yipee aye yo mini sirloin burgers, yipee aye yay mini sirloin burgeeeeeeeeers…EEEyahhhhhh!!!!!)

“I said are you listening?”

“Yeah I got it babe. Hey…. You hungry?”

For those of you outside of California that may not have heard the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers commercial you can see it at You Tube. It’s my favorite commercial of the year and it’s been stuck in my head all damn day. Here’s the link: