I can't believe I ate the whole thing....

Yes I know.

It's my hidden mommy blogger coming out.

But I couldn't help myself.

After Thanksgiving Dinner we were all sitting around in a tryptophan coma and I noticed my six month old grandson John Anthony imitating every other man in the room.

He's definitely a Calabrese.

My Kingdom for a Colander!!!

“Dammit! It’s missing.”

“What are you doing? There are pots and pans all over my kitchen floor!!!”

“I can’t find my colander.”

“There’s two of them right there.”

“I don’t like those; I need “my” colander.”

“Is it your lucky colander?”

“Don’t mock me woman. I need that colander for Thanksgiving.”

“It’s a colander Calabrese.”

“I think the maid hid it.”

“You think the maid hid your colander? You’re an idiot.”

“Well a woman had to have something to do with it.”

“Uh huh…. You sure you want to go down this path?”

“Well if she didn’t hide it and you didn’t hide it then where is it?”

“That’s right Calabrese, it’s a colander conspiracy, I live so you won’t be able to strain or drain anything.”

“Look I’m just trying to get ready for tomorrow. I’ve got everything properly placed to be ready for tomorrow. I’ve got the turkey, the ham, my carving knife, the potatoes and the potato pot, the green beans, the mushrooms, cranberry sauce, olives, the rolls, and the stuff for dressing. I’m ready. This year Thanksgiving dinner will be perfect.”

“Did you get the pies?”

“I…uh…crud.”

“Don’t tell me you forgot the pies.”

“Okay I won’t.”

“But you didn’t get them did you?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“You better go down to Bakers Square and get four pies. Two pumpkin and two apple.”

“Fine, I’ll go get the pies if you look for my colander.”

“I’m not cleaning this mess up Calabrese.”

“I’ll clean it up don’t worry. Just find the colander.”

“You better put these pots and pans back the “right” way. Not just thrown into the cupboards.”

“Hon… please….”

………………………………………..

“Yes I’d like to get two pumpkin and two apple pies.”

“Do you have a reservation.”

“No, you don’t understand. I don’t want to eat them here I want to take them with me.”

“Yes sir I know. If you haven’t reserved a pie you need to check in at the pie registration desk.”

“Pie… registration….where is that?”

“That line over there sir.”

“You’re kidding me I need to register for a pie?”

“It’s Thanksgiving sir. We sell a lot of pies.”

“Okay never mind. I’ll just have lunch then.”

……………………………………….

“Yes sir what can I get you?”

“I’d like sixteen pieces of pumpkin pie and sixteen pieces of apple pie please….to go.”

“Sir you didn’t reserve your pies did you?”

“No.”

“You need to check in at pie registration.”

“But what if I’m willing to pay the per slice price?”

“I don’t think we can do that sir.”

“I’ll give you a hundred bucks for four pies if I don’t have to stand in that line.”

“Sir I can’t do that.”

“Two hundred.”

“Do you want those pies pre sliced?”

……………………………………………..

“I’m back did you find my colander?”

“Sorry.”

“Did you even look for it?”

“Of course I did. I turned the house upside down. Can’t you see? Look, this is a bead of sweat right here. I got that looking for your colander.”

“Dang it I need that colander.”

“Let me see the pies.”

“What is this?”

“What?”

“Strawberry Rhubarb? You got four Strawberry Rhubard pies?????”

“No I didn’t I got….what the hell? They pulled a switch on me!”

“Give me the receipt! I’m going down there myself. I sent you on a simple task to get four pies and you come back with Strawberry Rhubarb?”

“Uh… I don’t have the receipt.”

“You just left there how could you have already lost the receipt?”

“It blew away.”

“Calabrese……”

“Okay look. I didn’t have a pie reservation so they sent me to the pie registration desk but the line was too long and I needed to get back to find the colander so I had lunch but for lunch I ordered thirty two slices of pie to go which they don’t normally do but I was willing to pay the per slice price but I had to pay under the table to get the pies since I didn’t have a reservation and the waitress snuck me four pies and I gave her the cash.”

“You made buying pies look like a drug deal? What are you the part of the moron pie cartel?”

“I needed the pies.”

“How much Calabrese? How much did these pies cost?”

“It wasn’t about the money it was the principle of the thing.”

“You paid a waitress under the table for four pies that you didn’t preorder so you wouldn’t have to wait in line.”

“Exactly.”

“And then she gave you four Strawberry Rhubarb pies.”

“That pretty much sums it up.”

“Did you remember to get the Cool Whip?”

.............................................................

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!

THEM!!!!

“Babe, why is one of my shoes on the floor in your bathroom?”

“Pick it up.”

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s a bug.”

“You used one of my dress shoes to kill a bug?”

“Well I wasn’t going to use one of my shoes.”

“Why didn’t you use your sword?”

“I didn’t want to get it dirty.”

“Uh… So you decided it was okay to use one of my shoes?”

“You weren’t home and I walked into my bathroom and this huge bug was on the floor. What was I supposed to do? I grabbed the biggest thing I could find and I bashed it.”

“Why did you leave my shoe there?”

“I wasn’t sure it was dead and I was afraid to lift up your shoe to find out.”

“You weren’t sure it was dead? You hit it with a 13EEE Florsheim!!!”

“What if it was only wounded?”

“Does that look wounded to you?”

“Not really.”

“Not really? You think that flattened blob is faking it?”

“No, it’s obviously dead.”

“Ya think.”

“So… just clean it up, clean up your shoe, and let’s just forget about it.”

“Wait a minute. Why should I clean it up? You killed it?”

“It’s gross.”

“So just because it’s disgusting you automatically assume it’s my responsibility to clean it up?”

“You’re the man.”

“Yes I am. I’m the man. The man who has to clean up dead bug gunk from his shoe and his wife’s bathroom floor. I’m the man. I’m the real man. Woohoo!!! I’m the man! Lot of benefits around here for the “man”, I can’t wait to tell all my friends that I’m the man.”

“Are you done?”

“No I’m not. What if I don’t feel like cleaning it up? What if I just leave it there?”

“Fine… I’ll just throw the shoe away. Doesn’t matter to me, it’s your lucky shoe.”

“Huh? Wait? What? YOU USED ONE OF MY LUCKY SHOES???”

“It was the first one I found.”

“You don’t touch my lucky shoes; no one is supposed to touch my lucky shoes. They’re lucky for a reason. You don’t bash bugs with my lucky shoes.”

“The bug didn’t think they were so lucky.”

“I wear those shoes on stage for Christ’s sake. You can’t murder something with one of my lucky shoes and then expect me to just go on stage like nothing happened.”

“Murder? You think I murdered a bug?"

“That’s not the point. The entire time I’m on stage I’ll be thinking about the bug gunk on the bottom of my shoe. They’re for making people laugh not bashing bugs. Now what am I supposed to do?”

“It’s a shoe... That’s a... was a bug, get over it.”

“What if I grabbed your purse and bashed a spider with it?”

“When you regained consciousness you’d be buying me a new purse.”

“I can’t believe it... I just can’t believe you would bash a bug with one of my lucky shoes.”

“Let me ask you a question Calabrese, what’s more important? Having a calm happy wife with a bug free bathroom and a lucky shoe with a little bug gunk on it, or a wife who is constantly “bugging” you to find the bug that got away because she couldn’t kill it with your lucky shoe?”

“Look at me Calabrese.”

“I’m thinking.”

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

“This blows.”

“Where are you going?”

“Outside to bury this bug.”

“You’re going to give a funeral to bug gunk?”

“I can’t take the chance you jinxed my lucky shoes. If I bury the bug gunk, say a few words, maybe everything will be okay.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“And you’re coming with me.”

“I am not going with you to bury that bug.”

“Yes you are, you’re the killer, and you have to be there.”

“I can live with myself as a bug killer.”

“It’s bad Karma.”

“It’s a bug.”

..........................................

“We are gathered here today to say farewell to this…. What kind of bug was it?”

“Just bury the damn thing.”

“It would be nice to know what I’m burying.”

“Its bug gunk, smashed bug, bashed bug, squashed bug I’m going back inside this is stupid.”

“Mr. Bug died violently at the hands of a forty eight year old premenopausal woman with a Florsheim. We really didn’t know this bug…OUCH!!!! Damn!!! Put down that shoe!!!”

“PREMENOPAUSAL?????????????”

“YOU HIT ME IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD WITH MY SHOE???"

“No… I hit you in the back of the head with one of your lucky shoes. Do you want me to hit you again?”

“No of course not… Um…. Whoa!!! Don’t move….”

“What?”

“Trust me… now hand me my shoe… very slowly…..”

“Oh my god! Something is on me! What is it?”

“It might be the brother of “bug gunk” over there.”

“Wait! You are not going to hit me with that shoe!”

“What if it wants revenge?”

“GET IT OFF OF ME NOW!!!!”

“GOT HIM!!!!”

“IDIOT!!! I told you not to hit me with that shoe!!!”

“I didn’t hit you with the shoe; I brushed it off of you with the shoe.”

"You stepped on it.”

“He’s dead now.”

“What was it?”

“Uh… Well it looks a lot like “bug gunk” only bigger.”

“Now we’re both killers. Where are you going?”

“To buy a new pair of lucky shoes.”

If I Were the King of the Forest.........

I always get kind of a kick from the arguments for and against the Propositions on our ballot.

Here’s the obvious dilemma.

If we accept that one side has to be correct in what they are saying then the other side must be lying.

So then is dawned on me, “How come they don’t come up with Propositions that are so obviously good for us you couldn’t possibly argue against them?”

Here’s what I mean.

Proposition 666 – Bans any music that sounds like Satan is rising from the dead i.e. Korn, Hole, or RAP music, from being blared out of any motor vehicle. First offenders would be fined $5,000. The funds would be used for contraceptive research within any community that listens to that crap. Second offense – Death.

Proposition A.D.D. – Provides grants to Soup Plantation and Home Town Buffet to build child only areas with separate buffet lines and sound proof buffers. Also encourages the creation of separate “senior” buffet lines with electronic moving walkways.

Proposition 711 – Provides funding for language training and deodorant for liquor store, convenience store, fast food establishment workers and cab drivers.

Proposition A.M. – Bans the elderly or anyone that doesn’t have a job from driving on the freeways before 9:00am. Estimated cost savings, $500 Billion dollars annually. This measure is opposed by the oil companies and my mother-in-law.

Proposition “Quick Stop” – Mandates the knowing of what the hell you want to order before going through a fast food drive thru. Bans all women from going thru a fast food drive thu at any time because it is physically impossible for them to know what they want ahead of time.

Proposition “Bye Bye” – Mandatory death penalty sentence for any politician, corporate big shot or religious leader convicted of child molesting.

Proposition “Bye Bye 2” – Mandatory death penalty sentence for any politician, corporate big shot or religious leader convicted of embezzlement or any financial wrong doing of any kind.

Proposition “Obvious” – Mandates the planting of evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction before, or immediately after, the invading of any country.

Proposition “Juan Valdez” – Has nothing to do with immigration. Provides funding for low income coffee drinkers that have maxed out their home equity lines and so they can no longer afford go to Starbucks.

This is the kind of crap I think of when I can’t sleep the night before Election Day. It’s now 11:55pm. Why am I up typing this stuff?

I’m craving a torpedo sandwich right now.

Hmm.....

That should be a new Proposition.

Proposition “Provolone” – Mandates that all overweight middle aged Italians drive a Cadillac and are given free government Provolone cheese.

And Italian rolls.

And Mortadella.

And Salami.

And Italian dressing.

Damn this is not good.

Where do you get a torpedo sandwich at midnight?

That should be a new Proposition!!!

Proposition “Midnight Deli” – Mandates that at least one Italian Deli be open 24 hours in every city in the United States, Panama and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Don't forget to vote!

We the people.......

At some point in our childhood all males are subject to a humiliating ritual. Usually it happened in elementary school. The retired marine “P.E.” teacher would pick out two of your classmates and make them “captains”. They would then “pick teams” using a very scientific process of elimination.

“That guy sucks don’t take him.”

Then as you get to high school and start dating you go through something similar with your first real interaction with women.

“That guys sucks don’t date him.”

Time passes and you get to that age where you are ready to settle down and start a family. You meet the girl of your dreams and all of her friends say:

“That guy sucks don’t marry him.”

Since we have been trained over and over again to understand the same message why don’t we just use it as the basic election anti opponent ad?

“That guy sucks don’t vote for him.”

I don’t know about you people but I’ve about had it with the pre Election Day ads.

“Police Officers, Fire Fighters, School Teachers, Sanitation Engineers aka Garbage Men, Pianists, Baristas, Grocery Store Clerks, My Mom, Achmed at 7-11, Puppies and everyone who isn’t a commie pinko bastard supports…..”

Wouldn’t it just be easier to say, “That guy sucks don’t vote for him” or “That proposition sucks don’t vote for that.”?

When it comes to the propositions I have a very simple rule. If they can’t explain it in two sentences I don’t vote for it.

Why?

Because anything longer than that was written by too many lawyers and will cost a butt load of money.

I mean come on, other than really old people that can take the time to actually read this crap does anyone really know what the hell or who the hell we’re voting for?

Have you looked at your sample ballot?

Who are all these people?

We have a guy running for senator in California that lists his occupation as “Immigration Control Consultant”. What the hell is that? Does he own a fence company?

Then there are the “judges, community college trustees and the school district board members”. We vote for them but does anyone actually know these people?

I’ve never seen a community college trustee.

Have you?

Why does a community college even need a trustee?

It’s a community college for Christ’s sake; my illegal alien maid could run it.

How many people vote for these people like they pick horses. It depends on their name. If these people were smart they’d change their names to something snappy like “Pull Your Pants Up Peters” or “Curfew Cohen” or “Get A Job Jones” or “Chuck the Executioner.”

Let’s face it voting is basically gambling. The odds of electing an honest decent politician are about the same as winning the Lotto.

I believe it was Raymond Burr or possibly Gandhi that once said, “All politicians suck, now somebody get me a sandwich.”

All politicians suck.

If we start with that premise it makes voting a lot easier.

Then we have to think, “Okay, which one of these people is most likely to secretly dress up in leather chaps and a Nazi helmet, cover themselves with chocolate syrup, and then roll around with dung beetles while listening to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkeryies and then raise my taxes, all in the name of god?”

Am I wrong?

Don’t we always just end up picking the lesser of two evils?

Where did we get all these freaks?

Pedophiles, drug addicts, religious zealots, war mongers, sexual deviants, embezzlers, liars, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

We voted for these people.

Isn’t America great?

Where else could people like that get into power?

We truly are a government of the people, by the people, for the... well okay... for the big corporations like Mobil and Halliburton, but two out of three ain’t bad.

But seriously folks.......

I think back to the first paragraph I wrote and the retired marine that was my first P.E. teacher.

He had done his duty and he had nothing to prove. But he understood that if you suck no one wants to pick you. And to get picked you needed to get better. And through all the pain and humiliation he drove us to get better. Some of us would never be athletes or leaders of the free world but we would get better. He made us want to do better.

Where are those people? Where are those politicians? Where are the people that want this country to be better? Where are those people that care more about their country than special interests?

They are out there. I know it’s hard to believe, given what we’ve seen lately, but this is still the greatest nation on earth. People from all over the world want to come here, risk their lives to come here.

Why?

To get better, to do better, to live better, because this country is better than where they came from.

So I encourage all of you to vote. But when you do, regardless of your political party, take a little time to find out who or what you are voting for.

And then vote.

Vote for who or what makes us, as a people, as a nation, better.

And if anyone one the ballot is a retired marine P.E. teacher.... that's probably a good bet.