Tuesday, December 22, 2009

And the three caddies saw a star appear above the 18th hole.

So Christmas is almost here. I’m at that part of the Christmas season where I’m trying to find that gift for my wife that she told me she doesn’t want because we’re not getting each other anything this year.


I’m a marriage veteran I’ll think of something.

So 2009 is almost over. As years go this one will not make the top ten list of fun years. If I was a doctor I would say the side effects of 2009 are likely to cause infectious explosive diarrhea.

It was a crappy year.

But I’m not going to let it get me down. There is always tomorrow, according to the Mayans at least until 2012.

As I plan for 2010 I realize I need a goal that I can most likely achieve so I can feel positive about the new year. So obviously losing weight and getting in shape is out of the question.

I’ve decided that in 2010 I’m going to learn how to properly greet people.

You see I still use the good old fashioned hand shake to greet people unless they look like they have the Swine Flu or they’re just walking out of the Men’s Room. If that happens I just tilt my head up give them a little nod and say, “How U Doin?” or pretend I’m Japanese and bow.

I can’t figure out how to greet young people today.

Am I the only one that’s had one of those awkward moments where you go to shake someone’s hand and they stick out their fist?

What the hell is the fist for? And how do you know when to use the fist? And how come sometimes the fist is followed by what looks like an impression of a seagull flying away or a bomb exploding or some weird type of exercise I’ll never do?

Maybe the first fist bump happened when one of these young guys was trying to hold his pants up and couldn’t extend his hand to shake.

It makes sense.

If I’m going to greet someone with a hand gesture other than a handshake it’s probably going to include my middle finger.

My other goal for the year is to learn Ballroom Dancing.


Not really. But I did just think of my wife’s Christmas present.

And I hope 2010 turns out to be better for Tiger Woods. I know, I know, there’s been enough about Tiger Woods already. I just want to say that while I don’t condone his actions I have do have to say that unlike other celebrities and politicians at least the women he was having sex with were pretty hot.

Well… all but that one cocktail waitress.

Then again I don’t thing Tiger Woods had sex with that woman.

I think she had sex with some other black guy that told her he was Tiger Woods. Hell, haven’t we all been Tiger Woods at least once. I’ve been Tiger Woods and I’m not even black.

I’m going to be in trouble for that last line but it makes me laugh and sometimes it’s all about me.

Trust me people when I tell you that I know for that there’s hope for this country. I know for a fact that everything is going to be fine. I know for a fact that 2010 is going to be a great year.


The Chia Obama.

That’s right they now have a Chia Pet in the shape of the head of the President of the United States. There are two versions, the “Determined” Chia Obama (because nothing says determined like a ceramic head with a plant growing out of it) and the “Happy” Chia Obama.

Don’t believe me? Take a look.

I bought two of the Happy Obama’s to give to my communist liberal friends as Christmas gifts.

I think this is the best gift since the “Tickle me Cheney” doll.

Seriously, how bad can it be if a Chia Obama exists?

Or maybe the only thing left to do is laugh.

I’ll leave you with this last thought. Yesterday I overheard to people complaining about how their luck was terrible. Nothing was going their way but a friend of theirs was the luckiest person on the planet. Everything he touched turned to gold and it just wasn’t fair that he was so lucky.

It always amazes me how the luckiest turn out to be the ones that do the most work, have taken the most risk and have learned from the most failures.

So if you’re going to have a good 2010 don’t just rely on luck. At least once during the year pretend you’re Tiger Woods.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous and "lucky" New Year.