Monday, April 06, 2009

This.... I.... I don't even know how to title this one.

I want to start out with saying that I do not read women’s magazines. If I did my head would probably explode or I would turn gay so I don’t read them… ever.

My wife on the other hand reads them all.

The other day my wife and I were sitting on the couch in the living room. I was watching Man vs Food and she was reading one of her magazines. I think it was called Elle or Evil or something like that.

She pushes the magazine in my face ands says, “Look at this purse. Guess how much that purse costs.”


“Just guess.”

“I don’t want to guess.”

“You won’t believe how much it costs.”

“I don’t care how much it costs.”

“Play along. Just guess.”

“Fine. $12 dollars.”

“Idiot. It’s $2,800 dollars. That’s what a $2,800 dollar purse looks like.”

“It looks the same as a $28 dollar purse to me. Who the hell spends $2800 dollars on a purse? Wouldn’t you rather have $2,772 dollars and a $28 dollar purse to put it in?”

“You don’t get it.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Give me back my magazine,”

“Look at these stupid ads. If you bought the purse, shoes, dress, makeup and earrings on this page you’d spend over $20,000.”

“No. You’d spend over $20,000. Women don’t buy that stuff they get their men to buy it for them.”

“Not this man.”

“You wouldn’t spend $20,000 to make me look beautiful?”

“Sweetheart you’d look better at $200.”


“I mean I don’t need to spend anything on you. You’re beautiful at any price.”

“You’re so full of shit Calabrese.”

“OH MY GOD!!!”


“Did you read this?”


“The story under the papaya.”

“What papaya?”


(From magazine)

“Suddenly there seems to be a niche market for putting the va-va-voom back into your va-jay-jay, with specialized treatments and products designed to tighten and firm the region.”

“They’re tightening va-jay-jays now!!!!! Can you believe it??? I knew it was just a matter of time. First the e-mails for penis enhancement and bigger breasts and now this! Tightening the va-jay-jay!!!! Unbelievable!!!!”

“Give me back my magazine numb nuts. Why did you read this in the first place?”

“I was looking at the papaya. I love papaya. What the hell does papaya have to do with va-jay-jay anyway? You women are sick. Now you’re ruining fruit.”

“Hand over the magazine Calabrese or die.”

“This is so stupid. Who’s running around going, “Boy I wish I had a tighter va-jay-jay right now.”?”

“You’re pushing it.”

“With all the penis enlargement going on you don’t even need to tighten va-jay-jays do you? It’s kind of redundant don’t you think?”


“When are they going to come up with a specialized treatment that lets us men get to the va-jay-jay in the first place? That’s what I want. Where’s that treatment?”

“If you ever want to see a va-jay-jay again you will hand over my magazine.”

“Here. I can’t believe the crap you women read. Tightening va-jay-jays… unbelievable. How come we can enlarge a penis and tighten a va-jay-jay but we can’t build a decent electric car? Hell, build an electric car and call it the Va-Jay-Jay and you’ll sell out in a week.”

“You want to name an electric car a Va-Jay-Jay?”

“Why not? We already have a Volvo. That sounds a lot worse than a Va-Jay-Jay.”

“You think Volvo sounds worse than Va-Jay-Jay?”

“I think a Volvo sounds like the part of a Va-Jay-Jay a man can never find.”

“That sounds like a joke you tell on stage.”

“Actually I think Va-Jay Jay should be the name of the car company. Chrysler, Ford, GM and Va-Jay-Jay. They could sell Volvo’s.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“It would save the economy. Ouch!!!! Don’t hit me with that!!! Unroll that magazine!!!”

“I’m never showing you anything in one of my magazines again ever.”

“Fine. I’m okay with that.”

“Where are you going?”

“The grocery store. I have a sudden craving for papaya.”