Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Don't Try This at Home...

They say that 90% of all fatal accidents occur in the home. Usually because someone did something stupid.

They don’t say anything about flesh wounds.

I don’t know what’s worse. Doing something stupid that causes injury to yourself or having to tell your wife that you’re an idiot.

As if she doesn’t know already.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I don’t think I was able to close my eyes for more than a minute.

You know how the sounds of the ocean, of the waves crashing against the shore can help you relax? You know how just the sound of raindrops can make you feel totally at ease and at peace with the world?

There’s something about water that’s just calming.

Apparently it’s not a good idea to get that calming feeling when you’re in the shower.

That’s right.

I fell asleep while I was taking a shower.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I had perpetually running hot water.

But I don’t.

When the hot water ran out….

I woke up.

In what only could be described as a “WAAAHAAAA!!!” moment.

In a “WAAAHAAAA!!!” moment your body is not connected to your brain. Because if it was it wouldn’t have jerked my head back striking the tile causing me to momentarily go back to sleep.

Oh I woke up again. But not until I had dropped to my knees. My brain at this point was saying to my body, “HEY ASSHOLE GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!!!!”

Using my catlike reflexes I jumped out of the shower. Well I started to jump and then my brain remembered that I don’t do that.

So now I’m wet, cold, naked and wedged between the toilet and the sink which is the spot I fell into coming out of my reverse 2 ½ with 2 ½ twists in the pike position while holding my ankles… or something like that.

I believe it had a 3.9 degree of difficulty.

“I’m okay!”

That’s what came out of my mouth a second before I realized I wasn’t okay. I don’t know why I said it. There was no one home to hear it accept me. Maybe I was trying to reassure myself that I had a shred of manliness left.

I felt the back of my head to make sure I wasn’t bleeding, saying out loud to myself, “I may have a concussion. Maybe I should go to Urgent Care.”

Then the remainder of my stupid kicked in and I called my wife. Because I needed the loving, caring, sympathetic ear of my soul mate of 35 years.


“It’s not funny I could have been killed.”

“That would have made a great episode of CSI.” (hahaha…)

“Thanks babe.”

“Okay I’m done laughing. (hahahaha…) Are you bleeding?”


“What hurts? (hahaha…)

“Other than my pride? Everything.”

“Do you think you should go to the (hahahaha…) doctor?”

“You’re still laughing.”

“I’m just picturing you explaining this to Dr. Roth.”

“With my luck he’ll want to use the “finger”.”

“HAHAHA!!! I’m sorry babe. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I can’t help myself.”

"Would it help if I told you I was limping?"

"Yes.... (hahaha...)"

"In sickness and in health babe."

"In sickness and in health maybe. But I don't remember anything about being stupid in our wedding vows."

"Ouch... Maybe we should renew them..."