Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Kingdom for a Thin Mint

So the Girl Scout Cookies are here.


Just great.

I bought four cases of Thin Mints.

I sent them to the troops.

I almost felt like enlisting.

So I don’t have any Girl Scout Cookies.





I actually feel refreshingly free.

No pressure to eat a box an hour.

I can sit here happily with my carrot chips and apple slices. I may even have a cool drink of water. Boy I wish I could have some broccoli today to take the edge off. That would be perfect.



The damn things are everywhere!!!!!!!

So here’s the deal. One of the temptresses that works for me has every kind of Girl Scout Cookie imaginable on her desk.

Right out in the open.

Can you believe it?

I wanted to stab her in the head with my letter opener. But I had just used it to cut my apple.

I can smell the damn things from my office. In my head I start to do the caloric math. If I have one serving of Thin Mints, which I believe, is one plastic sleeve, that’s 16 cookies at 40 calories each for a total of 640 calories a serving. I have to walk twenty paces to her office so that will burn off about 300 calories. Today is Thursday so I get an automatic deduction of 200 calories. I looked briefly at the sun so that’s another 150 calories. I watched 15 seconds of an infomercial for a Bow Flex at 10 calories a second so that’s another 150 calories. So let’s see… if I eat 16 Thin Mints I will actually burn off 160 calories or... I could just eat 4 more and break even.

I didn’t even need my calculator for that.

So I walk over to her office, breaking a sweat midway and… and… there are no Thin Mints.

What the hell?

How can you have every kind of Girl Scout Cookie right out in the open and not put out Thin Mints?

“Uh….. No Thin Mints?”

“I don’t put those out.”


“People eat them all so I don’t put them out.”

“What are you some type of heathen?”

“They eat the Thin Mints too fast so I just take them home for me.”

“How many boxes do you have?”


“I just want to know.”

“A few.”

“How many is a few?”


“I’ll give you $100 for them.”

“They’re not for sale.”


“I’m not selling them.”

“$300 final offer.”

“I’m not selling my Thin Mints.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I can’t sell them to you. Your wife says you’re not supposed to eat them.”

“My wife doesn’t work for me.”

“Have a carrot.”


“Your wife told us that if you ask for Thin Mints we’re supposed to tell you to eat a carrot.”

“Remind me to fire her when I get home.”

“You know there are other kinds of cookies here.”

“I wanted Thin Mints. Hell. What are these? Chocolate Chip? I guess I’ll have a few of those.”

“Um… Those...”


“They’re sugar free.”

“They taste like crap. What’s happening to this country when the Girl Scouts start selling garbage like this? That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth and I drink tequila. God that’s bad. PLLLLTTTTTT!!!!!! PLLLLLTTTT!!!!!! Don’t they taste test this filth.”


“Why would you buy these?”

“They have less calories.”

“So does dog poop but you don’t eat that. Let me see that box. Wait a minute. These actually have more calories than a Thin Mint. Look at this. A serving is 3 cookies and there’s 160 calories a serving. That’s about 54 calories a cookie. A Thin Mint is only 40 calories a cookie!!!!!”

“I didn’t know.”

“Why in the hell would they make a sugar free cookie that tastes that bad and then make it more calories than a Thin Mint. Who was the marketing genius behind that? That idiot needs to be hanged!”

“I guess I could open a box of Thin Mints. But...”

“Of course you could. You’d actually be helping me lose weight.”

“Can I still have the $300?”

“Do you still want a job?”

“You should probably just have a carrot.”

“How much is my wife paying you?”

“I’m not supposed to say.”

“Obama gets elected and now this. I can’t believe this. Communists everywhere. Stupid Democrats. Stupid sugar free cookies. Stupid Thin Mints. Stupid Girl Scouts. Stupid Democrats. Stu…”

“You already said Stupid Democrats.”

“They deserved it twice.”

“Just go back to your office. Maybe you should drink one of your diet shakes.”

“Does a diet shake crunch like Thin Mint?”

“Maybe if you walked around the block....”

“With my luck those little Girl Scout drug dealers will be selling the damn things on the corner... Wait..... Maybe I will go for a walk.”

“Um…. You’re supposed to give us your money clip if you leave the building.”

“My wife?”


“Fine. I’ll just go back to my office. I’ll have a carrot stick. Yum. My life is whole now. I hope you’re satisfied.”


“Andrea? It’s Mimi. Tony did exactly like you said but we didn’t give him any Thin Mints.”

“That’s great. I’ll give him a little treat for being good when he gets home.”

“Thin Mints?”

“Nope. Lucky Charms.”