Sunday, June 26, 2005

I can save the world. Or at least 30 minutes of my time.

I have a plan that will eliminate all traffic jams from the face of the earth. It's innovative, cost effective, environmentally safe and friendly, easier to implement than the Department of Homeland Security terrorist warning color system, will save Social Security, and will probably save the lives of thousands of illegal aliens. This one plan will eliminate our dependence on foreign oil forever.

(I sound like John Kerry)

Yes, I have a plan.

I actually do have a plan. (So I guess I'm not John Kerry)

Unfortunately the unemployed and everyone over the age of sixty-five must be put to sleep. Ta Da!!!

I'm obviously joking about offing the unemployed. Anyone that's seen and old man or woman on the freeway at 7:00am knows I'm only half joking about the elderly.

Come on people it's called a freeway. We should be able to roam free. If everyone is going at least 65 miles and hour, and I mean everyone, then there CAN'T BE A TRAFFIC JAM!!!!! It's called a RUSH hour not MOSEY along at 55 hour.

But there are traffic jams. There are traffic jams because there are people on the freeways that don't want to roam free. There are people on the freeways that want to ruin your day. They want someone else to feel as lousy as they do so they're up at the crack of dawn for absolutely no reason and they hit the road.

They don't even need to be there.

They do it on purpose.

I think it's to get even with us for canceling "Matlock." (Young people look it up)

Here's my plan.

If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job, you don't get to leave your home until 9:00am. You get to sleep in. It's a bonus. It's free. So enjoy it.

If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job, you must be in your home by 3:00pm and are not allowed to leave again until 6:00pm.


It's so simple, so easy and so perfect.

I have one more thing I have to throw into the plan just for me.

Sometimes it's just about me.

If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job you must do your grocery shopping Monday thru Friday, 9:00am to 3:00pm.

And no coupons!!! All grocery stores will automatically apply every store coupon that exists to the products an old person buys.

There is absolutely no reason that retired people or the unemployed need to shop on the weekends.

Why the unemployed?

If you're unemployed YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO SPEND!!!!! You have coupons and welfare stuff, things, whatever! And you're always in front of me on the weekends while Jimmie the store clerk calls the manager over to explain why you can't buy Wild Turkey with food stamps.

No I'm not worried about the elderly or unemployed reading this. They either can't afford a computer or if they're like my mother-in-law, can't use it for anything other than playing solitaire.

If they are retired and can use a computer they're only looking at or surfing Asian porn.

Yeah I know, some of you are angry, but all of you, each and everyone of you, has already pictured an unblocked grocery store aisle and speedier checkout line in your mind. Admit it.

What about doctor's appointments Tony? They need to go to the doctor.

That's the beauty of the plan. If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job you don't get a doctors appointment until after 9:00am.

People that work for a living go first so they can get their butts back to work to earn the money, to pay the taxes, to take care of the people..... that don't have a job.

This will also allow doctors to only book four people at the same time instead of eight.

You think I'm being mean? I spent the prime of my life in the Disco years. I've paid my dues.

If our government can invade a country for no reason or claim the right of Eminent Domain so that companies like Wal-Mart can take your home surely they can handle this.

I realize that I will either grow old or die or grow old and then die. I may even end up unemployed someday. I can assure you that if I reach any of those points I will milk the system for all it's worth.

But you have my oath that you will never see me in Vons on the weekends and I will never hit the freeway during rush hour. Ever!!!!!!

Let's all make that pledge. Let's leave a better world for our children. Let's save our planet. Who's with me?

Ahhhhh...................I feel better.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Whole lotta shakin goin on!!!!

There is something I need to talk about.

I live in California, born and raised here, and lately we've had quite a few earthquakes.

I've noticed a pattern.

We have an earthquake and then all over the news they tell us to buy water.

We've got to have water. Everyone go out and buy water. Make sure you have enough water for "three days." Why don't you get 10 days of water or a months worth of water? Who came up with 3 days and why?

I think its three days because by day four you'll be killed by the looters.

Or you can go to your neighbor's house and take the rest of their water.

Personally I'd rather have three days worth of tequila. Since it's made from the Agave plant it's technically a vegetable and I'm supposed to have at least 5 servings a day. It can also be used as disinfectant and if you drink enough of it you don't really care anymore that you have no house.

I remember growing up they told us in school that we were supposed to get under our desks in case of nuclear attack.

The advice doesn't seemed to have changed that much because in case of an earthquake you're supposed to "DROP, COVER, AND HOLD ON." They actually want us to practice this at least twice a year. Drop under a desk, hold on, and protect your eyes by pressing your face against your arm.

DROP, COVER, AND HOLD ON...That's the same thing I do when I have sex.

So I guess I don't need the practice.

The other thing that they want you to have is a survival kit. I bought one for a family of four. It comes with 472 bandages of all shapes and sizes which apparently is how many a family of four needs for three days after an earthquake, mainly because you're shaving without water.

It also comes with vinyl gloves, matches, dust masks, 50 feet of nylon rope, a Swiss Army Knife and duct tape. Um...are we supposed to be surviving an earthquake or planning a kidnapping?

It comes with pills that purify water.

Supposedly you see a pool of nasty looking water, you drop a pill in it and you can drink it. So all I really need is to find enough nasty looking pools of water for three days.

It comes with a can opener... but no cans.

There's a lot of other stuff that I have no clue how to use and some stuff that looks like astronaut clothing, a weird looking pair of pliers, candy bars and a whistle. You need the whistle in case you have a survivor version of a pick up football game.

All this comes packed in a five gallon drum. The five gallon drum comes with an optional snap on toilet seat. Optional? Optional? Why is it optional? I don't have enough pills to purify that!!!

I can never figure out where the best place is to keep a survival kit. I've moved it around so much half the time I don't know where it is.

If my house were wiped out in an earthquake where would the safest place for my earthquake survival kit be? They say you're supposed to put it by the front door. Nothing says welcome to the Calabrese's like a survival pack with an optional snap on toilet seat as you enter the house. What happens if you can't get to the front door? What if the door is gone?

I have this vision of me being the last survivor, but not for long, because I can't find the damn survival kit!!!

I think I need to move next to a Home Town Buffet. Now that's some rubble worth sifting through.

Sometimes I get the munchies late at night...I eat the emergency candy bars out of the survival kit. If the big one comes my wife is going to be pissed...and hungry.

I'd like to see some emergency popcorn maybe some beef jerky. You could put a whole lot of beef jerky in a five gallon drum. Maybe an entire dried out cow.

I've never understood survival rations. They put four 3600 calorie candy bars in a survival kit. That's supposed to be food for four people for four days.

Umm...maybe if you were born in Ethiopia. That won't hold me until lunch!!!

But the real problem, and what scares me the most, is I just know when the big one does hit, I'm going to be sitting on the toilet.

I can see it now, the wall holding the roll of toilet paper will just fall away and I'll be sitting there, on my porcelain throne, thinking. "Where is that damn survival kit? Thank God I got that optional snap on lid!!!"

Sunday, June 19, 2005

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Happy Father's Day!

I want to spend a moment thanking my father for molding me in his image.

An overweight middle aged balding Italian.

I loved my dad because, well, he was my dad. I think I got my sense of humor from him. Or at least from observing him.

My dad taught me that everything wrong in life can be blamed on the communists. The weirdest things used to get blamed on the communists. I remember once we went to an Italian restaurant and my dad was incensed that they no longer had cloth napkins.

"It's the work of the communists. First cloth napkins and the next thing you know they'll be bottling water and we'll have to pay for it."

In my fathers mind there was only two kinds of music, classical music and Opera. That's the only thing we ever were allowed to listen to or watch. To me Opera was just fat people singing to classical music.

I didn't know that skinny women with small breasts could sing until I was twelve.

Up until the day he died I think he believed The Beatles were communists.

You could never win an argument with my father. I know now that most of the time he was right anyway. But on those few occasions when I actually won he would never admit defeat.

He would however do odd things to make it up to me. Like have my entire house recarpeted.

While my wife and I were at work.

Without telling us.

Then he would pretend he knew nothing about it. That was his way of saying he was wrong.

He used to love to play practical jokes. I remember the time he sent the 80 year old stripper to my office, during business hours, for my 30th birthday. He never came inside but he and three of his cronies had their faces pressed up against the windows while "Lola" proceeded to writher around me in the middle of the lobby.

Even he had to be a little shocked when "Lola" didn't stop at her bra a panties.

God I never wanted to remember that.

He never acknowledged that one either.

He used to call and leave messages pretending he was with the IRS and that I was scheduled for an audit. That's not funny when you're Italian.

At Christmas he would lavish gifts on my wife and his grandsons. I always got the same thing every year. A $20 gift certificate to Penny's. I used to save it and give it back to him for his birthday. I still have the same gift certificate.

My father never spanked me or hit me. He shot me once, but hey, like I said, we're Italian. He only shot me because I shot my sister. It was just business. I was only eight, and the gun shot plastic bullets, but I got the message.

He loved his grandsons and would take them to the most expensive places in town for dinner. It was really tough when my wife and I would take the kids to Denny's and our five year old would get indignant because they didn't have lobster tails... or cloth napkins.

Anyway to all you dads and granddads have a great day!!!

I'm going to spend the day teaching my 2 1/2 year old grandson how to say "Bada Bing Bada Boom!!!"

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I saw the face of Jesus in my lasagna...briefly

Yes the look of my blog has changed and I'd like to thank Pryncess Kat, for all of her help and advice on putting this together.

The title of this post, "I saw the face of Jesus in my lasagna...briefly" was inspired by my good friend Paul Stoecklein.

Paul's blog, "You Had Me at Idiot", had a post called "The Plaster Miracle" which was very funny and made me take a long hard, albeit brief look, at my food.

I like the line so much in will be the subtitle of the "Fugetaboutit!!!" blog from now on.

Here's the deal. I actually did see a face in my "diet" lasgana but it was a little fatter than Jesus. I think it was Jerry Garcia. It dawned on me at that moment that in all the pictures of Jesus and his pals none of them are overweight. You would think at least one apostle was fat. You never read about 24 Hour Fitness Centers or Weight Watchers in the Bible. There's plenty of stories about food though aren't there? There had to be a fat apostle.

When I first saw the face I thought of calling my wife over to see it but she's already looking for a reason to have me committed.

I stared at the face for a while. Maybe 10 seconds. It was eerie. Then I ate it.

I ate the face of Jesus or Jerry Garcia.

If it was Jesus you would think he would have better sense than to put his image on a hungry Italians last serving of "diet" lasagna. You would also think it would say something like,"Stop don't eat me!" or "OH NO MR. BILL!"

Have you noticed how all these faces people see in food never speak? I regularly talk to my food and not once has it ever answered back.

I felt a little guilty after I ate it, and then I started thinking that you never see a fat person saying they have the face of anyone in their food. There's no time. Maybe that's how indigestion starts. That upset stomach is actually the face of a saint or dead rock star trying to get out.

Maybe God is everywhere and we just keep eating him. Everywhere but Olive Garden. I don't think God would ever put his image in any food from Olive Garden.

Real Italian my ass.

I've noticed that God and his friends tend to appear a lot in Mexican food. Food that's cooked at places who's names end in "bertos". You know, Alberto's, Adelberto's, Mamaberto's, Papaberto's, Babyberto's.

God also has an affinity for grilled cheese sandwiches. But then again, deep down, don't we all?

I wonder if there is any food that God wouldn't show up in. I've had some Indian Food that was so spicy that a face wouldn't stay long. Then again Jesus probably wouldn't show up in Indian food. It would probably be the face of Ghandi or Deepak Chopra.

I think we can rule out bagels and lox but not cream cheese. I think Jesus would be okay with cream cheese. Cream cheese and Ritz crackers. Everything goes better on a Ritz.

I will predict right now that Liver and Onions and Lima Beans will never have the face of Jesus on them. Write it down.

There are certain people that will never see the face of Jesus or The Virgin Mary in their food. Howard Dean for instance, although I'm pretty sure he's seen the face of Jerry Garcia.

I have a hunch that George Bush sees a lot of faces in his food. Donald Rumsfeld, or as I fondly refer to him, Grumpy Old Rumsfeld, regularly sees George Bush in his Cherrios.

So as I leave you I ask you to keep a keen eye on your munchies for signs of the apocalypse, or of a Grateful Dead ultimate reunion tour.

Let me know if you like the new look of this blog.