Friday, December 14, 2007

I wish I was making this up........

Sometimes you get caught in the middle of a conversation that could only be had by men.

“F*&>+#g mortgage crisis.”

“I know.”

“You know what?”

“I know how you feel.”

“No you don’t.”

“Maybe he doesn’t but I do.”

“Neither one of you skinny little bastards know how I feel or what I’m thinking.”

“What? Are you saying only fat people can have feelings about this?”

“In this case yes. Only Tony understands me here.”

“Whoa!!! I’m not fat.”

“Maybe not on the outside but on the inside you’re still a fat guy no matter how much weight you lose.”

“He has a point Tone. You probably have a fat gene that makes you fat inside.”

“Who are you now? Pauli Walnuts? A fat gene? I don’t have a fat gene.”

“He’s got a pizza gene though.”

“I miss the Soprano’s.”

“Stupid ending.”


“I almost shot my wife when the TV went blank. I thought she had touched the remote.”

“You know you do kind of look like Pauli Walnuts sometimes.”

“It’s the hair.”

“I thought we were talking about subprime mortgages.”

“Hey you guys ever have the prime rib at Hunter’s?”

“Hunter’s? Ma please…. You gotta go to Morton’s for good steak.”

“Why does every conversation always go to food? You guys know I’m always on a friggin diet. Why do you always end up talking about food?”

“We don’t always talk about food.”

“Yeah sometimes we talk about women.”

“Same thing.”

“You guys are pathetic. And I’m tired of the fat references. I’m not fat. I’m slightly overweight.”

“Uh… Tone…. You know how they always say, “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone. It’s the same with fat.”

“Fat doesn’t go to the bone.”

“Sure it does. You never heard of bone fat? What do you think they mean when they say, “She’s just big boned.”? That’s bone fat.”

“Who is she?”

“Your sister.”

“Watch it. My sister really is big boned…. What? She is.”

I meant she in general she. You know, they like to say that about fat chicks.”

“You guys are losing the point here. Sully is obviously upset about mortgage crisis and those are personal feelings for him that we just can’t possibly understand. Each person has to deal with it on their own.”

“Shut the hell up. Who are you trying to be? Dr. Phil?”

“He looks more like Oprah.”

“He’s white.”

“The hair.”


“Oprah’s hair changes all the time.”

“That’s true.”

“I don’t have Oprah hair?”

“I’m not fat and I don’t have a fat gene.”

“Fine Tone we get it.”

“Why’d you have to start with the fat stuff anyway?”

“I didn’t start it Sully started it.”


“What the hell are we talking about?”

“Sully is fat and he has feelings.”

“It’s those pistachios he always eats.”

“Yeah it affects the brain. Clogs it up.”

“You guys don’t get it. I mean… this is terrible guys….”


“For some reason I can’t stop thinking of barbecue.”

“Hey we could get some steaks from Cecil’s meats and have a …”


“Jeez Tone relax.”

“We still gotta eat.”

“He’s still eating that space food… makes him tense.”

“How many of those little packaged meals you gotta eat to feel full.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never felt full.”

“You should see the crap they call lasagna.”

“You got lasagna?”

“Sort of.”

“Show him Tone. You have any in the trunk of your car?”

“You keep lasagna in your trunk? Now that’s Italian.”

“Yes and turkey chili and barbecued chicken and a few others.”

(Moments later)

“Dude that’s not lasagna.”

“Where’s the rest of it?”

“That’s it.”

“What are you supposed to do with that?”

“You eat it.”

“Be serious.”

“You think I’d kid about lasagna?”

“Why is there corn in there?”

“It’s just one kernel.”


“For some reason there’s always one kernel of corn in this packaged lasagna.”

“Tone there’s no corn in lasagna.”

“There is in this lasagna.”

“Who puts one kernel of corn in lasagna?”

“They probably make that stuff in China. Everything is made in China now.”

“The Chinese don’t eat lasagna.”

“I’m pretty sure they eat corn.”

“What are you talking about? The Chinese invented lasagna.”

“I thought Marco Polo invented lasagna.”

“No he invented Chicken Parmigiano. Hello? His last name was Polo.”

“The Chinese invented woks and Yo-Yo’s.”

“Woks and Yo-Yo’s?”

“Where do you think “woking” the dog came from?”

“Not even a courtesy laugh?”



“Dude? Woking the dog? Please?”

“Can you just pick out the noodles and wash them off? You get seven or eight of those and wash off the noodles it might not be so bad.”

“No, I get one. That’s it. Maybe I eat two in a pinch.”

“You’d have to pinch me pretty hard to eat that.”

“Now that I think of it I’ve never seen a story about corn in China.”

“You think they have subprime mortgages in China?”

“Boy this subprime thing is a real mess.”

“Boy what do you do with two billion subprime mortgages?”

“Two billion?”

“Yeah there’s like three billion Chinese people. Figure there’s about two billion homes.”

“Boy that’s a mess.”

“Look at it that way and things don’t look so bad here.”

“So let’s get some lunch.”



“Talking about Asians always makes me think of fish for some reason.”

“You got any fish dinners in that space food Tone?”


“Why’s he leaving?”

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

It's been too long.

In addition to being a comedian I actually have a day job. Some of you know this already but most of you don't.

During the day.... Boy you are going to find this hard to believe...

I am the president of a bank.

I don't talk about that on stage or in my blog because I try very hard to keep those two worlds separate.

I can honestly say that I am the only professional comedian/bank president on the planet.

Not only do I run a bank during the day but in November I filled in as co host of a radio show called "The Big Biz Show". I am now a regular on air personality on the show where I am known as "Tony The Banker", very original I know. Blame Sully.

The hosts of the show are Sully & Russ 'T' Nailz,

two San Diego Radio personalities who are heard Weekdays on the Business Talk Radio Network! From current business events to internet-related issues to the movers and shakers in the business world-along with the occasional drink recipe. If it relates to the business, Russ and Sully are talking about it on the air. With their topical, laid back, and comic commentary of goings on in the business world, Sully and Russ 'T' aren't only thinking outside the box-they didn't even know there was a box!

(Yes I copied that right off the website,

The show is on in 125 markets around the country. Visit the website to see if we are on in your area. You can also click "personalities" at the top of the site to see who else is on the show.

I promise to get back to regular posting in the next couple of days.

See ya!

Tony "the banker" Calabrese