Wednesday, March 11, 2009

She loves the smell of shopping in the morning.

We’re in March so all of my... okay... the one New Years Resolution I made is already broken. I had resolved to have an “Ab” by the end of the year but…okay… maybe resolved isn’t the best word. I had “hoped” to have an “Ab”, but that would have required crunches that are not made by Nestles so that ain’t gonna happen.

So here we are in March, the season of Lent. Apparently being Catholic I’m supposed to give up something for Lent. So I figured I’d give up the same thing I gave up for New Years.


My wife on the other hand made a real sacrifice. She gave up shopping. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen her weeping over an Estee Lauder catalog. She was crying and smacking herself in the head with it. The entire time she just kept repeating the same phrase, free gift with purchase (smack)... free gift with purchase (smack...”

I wanted to laugh.

But I was afraid.

My wife gave up shopping?

Part of me was thinking, “There is a god”. The other part was thinking, “Maybe that’s not my wife.”

What if the “pod” people captured my wife and substituted her for an alien that was on a budget?

Um... Maybe.......


I would want my real wife.

She’s the only one that knows where my keys are.

I wonder...... Would this alien give me back the television remote?

“Um... Hi babe.”

“YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! (smack)”

“What? Why is this my fault? And stop hitting yourself in the forehead with that catalog.”

“I can’t believe you made me give up shopping. (smack)”

“Me? I made you give up shopping? Are you telling me that there is some magical word out there that I spoke that put a curse on your credit cards? Because if there is I need to know what it is for when this no shopping thing wears off.”

“Don’t screw with me right now Calabrese.”

“What? What did I do?”

“I gave up shopping for Lent so I could go to Ireland.”

“And that is my fault because.......?”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“You’re just going through withdrawals.”

“I gave up shopping!!!!!!!!!!! And on top of that I’ve got some kind of bites all over me, I’m itchy, I’m bitchy and... And... something needs to die.”

“Uhhhh... I need to go put something away... a lot.”

“Free gift with purchase, (smack)”.

“Jeez just buy something babe. You’re gonna have a big red welt in the middle of your forehead.”

“Really? You want me to buy something? Really?”

“Is that a trick question?”

“A supportive husband would see the effort his wife is making to save money for her trip but nooooooooo........... You want me to break my Lent sacrifice. I can’t believe you. (Smack)”

“This is one of those times that no matter what I say I’m wrong isn’t it?”

“Pretty much.”

“Smack away babe. Smack away.”

I have to give her credit. Every year my wife her aunt and her cousin go to New York usually over St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe the whole St. Patrick Day thing has rubbed off on them because now they want to go to Ireland. Why three Portuguese women want to go to Ireland I have no idea? Are there outlet malls in Dublin?

So they are going to spend a couple days in New York, see a couple of plays and then fly to Ireland. The whole trip isn’t going to be cheap so she’s making an effort to save a few bucks now.

But she’s a tad edgy.

The following is an e-mail she sent to me today:

“I was in our little coffee area grabbing my yogurt and mentioned I was hungry. Rosemary brought me a "Bora Bora Organic Snack Bar".... yeeeaaahhh, that's what I was craving.... seeds!! It looks like something a big bird would crap! She said it's very nutritious... code for "tastes like shit"!!

So, to sum up.... I'm in shopping jail, I was viciously and repeatedly attached by unknown insect assailants, blown off by my doctor, and then offered bird crap to make me feel better. What's wrong with this picture??? How did this become my life???”

So I needed to do something to make her feel better.

I bought her a box of Lucky Charms.

I haven’t given it to her yet.

That’s a gift you have to give at the right moment.

Like when they’re boarding..........