Tuesday, August 11, 2009

To sing, or not to sing: that is the question.

Have you ever had one of those moments where a tune or song gets stuck in your head and you just can’t get it out?

Of course you have.

We all have.

So here’s the deal.

I’m on another diet.

Big Surprise.

I’m always on a damn diet.

There’s a certain time after I’ve started a new diet where I tend to get a little... oh I don’t know... psycho.

It’s usually when I wake up and lasts the whole damn day.

Every day.

I cannot be responsible for my actions when I’m dieting.

I’m a little nuts.

I’m the only person I know that’s gets emotional watching the Food Network.

Oh it gets bad.

So I'm in 7-11.

Because I need cash.

Why would the president of a bank need to use an ATM in 7-11 to get cash?

Because I’m married.

I am my wife’s ATM.

She doesn’t take all my money.

She always leaves me one dollar.

Because she wouldn’t want to leave me without any cash.

So back to 7-11.

Next to the ATM is the ice cream freezer.

Well I had to look.

Tucked behind the fogged ice cold glass was the most marvelous site. Hagen Daz, Ben & Jerry’s and Dryers OH MY!

I felt a teardrop on my cheek.

And then...

This song...

It just popped into my head.

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Dont cha?, dont cha?”

I know...

I don’t know.


It wouldn’t have mattered except for one little thing.

Apparently that song wasn’t just in my head.

It’s not so bad when you sing or hum a tune that’s... let’s just say... inappropriate for your gender...in your head.

For instance a man should never sing, “You make me feel like a natural woman.”

But we’ve all done it.

In our heads.

But when you sing it out loud........

That’s a special kind of gay.

You’re probably wondering how I knew I was singing that song out loud instead of in my head.

One of the 7-11 clerks started to sing it with me.

There’s an odd moment when the song you think you’re singing in your head is being sung out loud by another man who thinks he’s only singing it in his head.

We looked at each other and both had one of those, “OH MAN!!!” moments.

Then we couldn’t look at each other at all.

For a second I stood there trying to figure out which one of us started to sing it first. As if the guy that started it was a bigger loser than the guy that just joined in.

I also had an extreme need to go home and watch Rambo.

Then I turned and walked out. Thinking to myself I could never go back to that 7-11 again.

And I forgot to get any cash out of the ATM.

So I stood at the door to my car.

In my head I thought, “Okay, the clerks at 7-11 just saw a guy walk in, stand in front of the ice cream freezer, sing a chick song, then walk out without buying anything.”

I had to go back.

I couldn’t leave it that way.

I walked back into the 7-11 got cash out of the ATM and then got a diet ice tea and a pack of sugar free gum. Because nothing says what a tough guy you are like diet ice tea and sugar free gum.

Both clerks were looking at me but the one that was singing had this look of shame on his face.

When I went up to the counter to pay, the non singing clerk walked away leaving American Idol's next best hope to wait on me.

I drop my tea and gum on the counter and for some reason, in the deepest voice I can muster, this comes out of my mouth:

“I’m on a diet.”

He just looked at me like he had been violated.

I left, got in my car, and drove home.

My wife was surprised to see me.

“What did you forget?”


“Then why did you come back?”

“Um... You are never allowed to take money out of my money clip again.”

“HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Okay. Whatever. HAHAHAHA!!!!!”

“I’m serious.”


“No I mean it.”


“Stop laughing.”

“Ha... Ha ha... Okay... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! No... I’ll stop. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

When she got the last laugh out I explained the whole story to her. Well almost the whole story.

“You’re such a homophobe.”

“Yes. Yes I am. I’m okay with that.”

“Did you at least remember to get money out of the ATM?”

“No... Um... I forgot.”

“Show me your money clip.”


“Show me.”

“You make me feel like a natural woman!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ouch!!! Okay!!! Fine… Just leave me a dollar.”