Thursday, October 18, 2007

Just another day in paradise...... Sort of.....

There comes a time in every man’s life where you wake up in the morning with all the intentions in the world of going to out exercise and then you look at yourself in the mirror and say,

“*&#^ it…”

“I’ve peaked.”

I am just not a morning person.

How do these people wake up before the crack of dawn and exercise?

I don’t want to get up at the “crack” of anything! It’s not normal.

I’ve had friends say that they listen to their bodies and their bodies tell them to get up and exercise.

They’ve obviously never listened to my body.

I’ll admit my body makes a little noise in the morning but it has never told me to exercise.

My body has never told me that.

If my body is talking to me at 5:00am it’s telling me there’s cold pizza in the fridge.

I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “What do I get out of this if I get up and exercise at 5:00am?”

And the answer is always the same.


Let’s say I get up early, exercise, lose weight and get in the best shape of my life. Let’s say I’m the picture of health.

It still won’t change anything.

At my age if I go into a doctors office no matter what the problem is I’m going to get a finger up my butt.

“Doc my shoulder hurts.”

“Well let’s check the old prostate.”


“Oh there it is. Your prostate is nice and small.”

“That’s just because it’s cold in here doc. Normally it’s huge. But you know what they say... Big hands, big prostate.”

Seriously, what does good health really buy you once you hit 50 years old?

An extra five years?

What if that extra five years is during Hillary Clinton’s time as President? Do I want to spend the last five years of my life listening to someone that always sounds like a pissed off ex-wife?

What if you diet and exercise to get that extra five years and then get run over by an illegal alien who doesn’t have any auto insurance?

Hey I live in California, it could happen.

I think there are too many “ifs” in the world to throw all my eggs in the “eat right and exercise basket.”

What if exercise and broccoli are the real killers?

No one really knows now do they?

If you stand a piece of broccoli on its stalk it kind of looks like a little mushroom cloud doesn’t it?

Do you really want that going off in your body?

Now look at a pizza.

It’s a circle.

Like the “Circle of Life”.

It’s starts out as a little roll of dough and then gets tossed and shaped into a beautiful circle, covered with all sorts of yummy toppings and then it’s baked to perfection, and you eat it, and the world is good, and eventually it turns into a little roll of…

You get the picture.

I can hear Elton John singing about it in my head right now.

“The circle of life, covered with pepperoni and cheese, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, faith and love, with a sauce like Momma use to make…….”

Oh god….

I think I’m weeping.

“What the hell is wrong with you Calabrese? Put down that phone.”

“I… I was just checking the time….”

“They don’t have that service anymore. If you want the time just look at the cable box.”

“I can’t put it down. I need to call someone.”

“Who? Who are you are you calling? Are you crying?”

“Yes… I think I am.”


“I was just thinking about calling Joe over at The Venetian.”

”What the hell are you talking about?”

“I miss him. I haven’t been there or seen him in almost a year.”

“Oh my god!!!! You were going to order a pizza weren’t you????? I can’t believe you!!!!”

“I just want to look at one. I wouldn’t eat it. I would just hold it up and smell it. Maybe build a little shrine to it in the kitchen.”

“You’re pathetic. You’d blow your diet after all this time for a lousy slice of pizza?”

“BE SILENT!!! SACRILEGE WOMAN!!!!! It’s not lousy pizza!!! It’s the best pizza in San Diego! Eating that pizza is a religious experience. I saw the face of Jesus in that pizza. Once. Briefly.”

“Be silent? Be silent? You did not just tell me to be silent.”


“I don’t care numb nuts do whatever you want. You want to blow your diet and get big and fat again go ahead. It’s your health.”

“AHA!!! Yes it is. And do you know what good health gets you? A finger up your butt that’s what!!! Well not me woman, not me.”

“You’re an idiot. You want to be around for your grandkids? You want to watch them grow up? Well then you better take care of yourself starting with your diet and exercise.”

“But… But… I miss it so much….”

“Snap out of it!”

“Fine. But my butt is on your head woman. It’s on your head.”

“Excuse me.”

“I mean the fate of my butt is in your hands… Well not in your hands actually…”

“Look at it this way Calabrese. The smaller your butt is the easier and quicker the examination will be. Because it doesn’t matter weather your skinny or fat or in shape or not that’s where the doctor is going.”

“But it’s not fair.”

“Think of it as punishment for ditching jury duty.”

“I… um… that makes sense in an odd sort of way….”

“Now go drink one of your diet shakes and then go for a walk.”

“Yes doctor…… You might as well be one… you’re on my ass all the time.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing sweetheart… You know me… I’m all about health.”

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Dancing with The Unit

“Damn! Now that’s an outfit!!! What show is this?”

“Dancing With the Stars numb nuts.”

“Porn Stars?”


“Look at that chick. She looks like a Las Vegas stripper.”

“Really. And you would know this because?”

“Uh… I read a lot.”

“Uh huh… Stop being an idiot and let me watch my show in peace.”

“Who’s that old guy?”

“What old guy?”

“That guy right there. Who’s he?”

“That’s Wayne Newton.”

“That’s not Wayne Newton.”

“Dammit Calabrese! I’m trying to watch the show! That’s Wayne Newton, he’s the old guy on the show, just like Larry King was last year.”

“Larry King danced with Porn Stars? Well that explains the heart attacks.”

“Don’t make me get off this couch.”

“Sweetheart look at that guy, that’s not Wayne Newton, look at his face.”

“Idiot, he’s had a little plastic surgery.”

“A little? Ya think? He looks like Marie Osmond.”

“That is Marie Osmond.”


“That’s Marie Osmond she’s on the show too,”

“Come on you’re making this crap up. You’re trying to tell me that Wayne Newton had plastic surgery so he could look like Marie Osmond so they could be on a TV show to dance together with Porn Stars?”

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I want to remember the look on your face right before you died.”

“Come on babe change the channel. I don’t want to watch this crap.”

“It’s not crap. I like this show and I was here first. Go upstairs and watch TV.”

“But… This is my TV.”

“Your TV? Really? Your TV? You think this is your TV?”

“Yes. Remember? We bought this big screen HDTV TV so I could watch football on the big screen. Remember?”

“Uh huh… And what night is tonight?”


“Uh huh… And is there a football game on tonight?”

“Uh… no…..”

“So you came in here to ruin my show because………”

“I want to watch The Unit”

“Watch that stupid show upstairs.”

“That’s only a 30 inch screen it’s not the same on a 30 inch screen. Um… Put the coaster down.”

“Get out of here Calabrese.”

“At least DVR it for me.”

“I can’t, I’m recording House down here.”


“My god! How old are you? Big whinny baby? “That’s not fair, that’s not fair, my wife is recording her shows and not mine. Waaaaaaaa.”

“All I’m saying is that we should compromise, we should reach an agreement that’s acceptable to both of us.”


“COME ON!!! WHY???”

“Cuz I’m here first and I’ve got the remote.”


“Excuse me? What did you call me?”

“You heard me.”

“Just go upstairs and watch your “Unit”.


“Whatever. Go play with your “Unit”.

“This is BULL!!! Marriage is supposed to be about compromise. Give and take. A little sacrifice on both parts. You watch one show I watch one show.”

“Marriage is about compromise? Uh huh…. Who told you that?”

“I read it in one of your magazines. I think it was Better Homes and Vaginas or something like that.”

“Calabrese I’ve been married to you for almost thirty years. I know you. This is not about compromise. This is your little game to annoy the crap out of me until I give up and go upstairs so I don’t have to listen to you anymore.”

“Is it working?”

“Look at this face. Do you think its working?”

“A little.”

“Really? This face?”

“Well actually you are starting to look a little like Wayne Newton.”

“OUCH!!!!! MARIE OSMOND??? Damn woman!!!! Stop throwing coasters”

***By the way for those of you in the San Diego or So Cal area I’ll be performing at The Pala Casino on Tuesday, October 9th, opening for John Pinette. Normally I don’t post performance dates here but John is my favorite comedian and truly one of the funniest men on the planet. It’s an honor to share the stage with him. This is a show you do not want to miss. To order tickets before the show sells out visit:

I hope to see you at the show.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Ask not what your treats can do for you. Ask what you can do for your treats.

Well it’s October.

And naturally Family Fitness has come out with a list of the “best” treats and “worst” treats for Halloween.

Here’s a partial list of their “best” treats:

“Pretzels, crackers, and popcorn. If you get whole-grain versions of crackers and pretzels, you can add some much needed fiber to the season’s high-chocolate diet.”

That’s just what we need. A bunch of little kids running around with too much fiber in their diet from all the whole grains they’re downing. Legions of little farters roaming our neighborhoods.


“Pumpkin seeds, almonds, peanuts, and trail mix”.

Peanuts? Aren’t they constantly warning us about peanut allergies and now we’re supposed to hand this crap out.

Trail mix? Are you kidding me? Trail mix? Where are these kids Trick or Treating? The old west?

“Juice boxes. (just check the label to make sure it’s juice & not colored sugar water!).”

What’s wrong with colored sugar water? I grew up on Kool-Aid and I turned out okay. Maybe if more kids had good old fashioned Kool-Aid they’d be able to stay awake in math class.

Here’s their “worst” list of treats.

“Gummy bears, jelly beans, caramels, fruit leather, gum, and other sticky treats. Full-sized chocolate bars. Cookies and snack cakes. Stay away from the following snacks voted worst vending machine snacks for kids by the Center for Science in the Public Interest: Chips Ahoy!, Oreos, Hostess HOHOs & other snack cakes, Keebler Club & Cheddar Sandwich Crackers, & Starburst Fruit Chews.”

Um… Read that again.

Who in the hell gives out Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers for Halloween? If I’m Trick or Treating that’s a house that’s definitely getting toilet papered.

And who are these communists at the “Center for Science in the Public Interest”? That’s right communists. Anyone who doesn’t like a HOHO has to be a communist.

Gummy bears? Come on! What are old people supposed to eat?

And Chips Ahoy? That’s a nautical food. Maybe the kids into sailing. How can you knock a food that’s basically saying hello every time you look at the bag. That’s not a bad treat. That’s a happy treat. That’s a treat that welcomes you home.

They’re bashing Starburst fruit chews? Hello? It says fruit right on them. We’re supposed to have five servings a day of that stuff.

This list got me thinking. Why would Family Fitness tell you what not to eat? That’s like a cigarette company telling you not to smoke.

If I owned Family Fitness I’d be serving Banana Cream Pies at the Deli I owned in the front half of the gym. Fatten them up and sell them another 24 month membership so we can hold their checking account hostage for those automatic deductions.

But I guess they don’t have to do that.

Because there are no fat people at Family Fitness.


Okay you see them there…


As a matter of fact you never see fat people at any gym.

I take that back.

I’ve seen fat people at “Curves”.

I seem them when I look in the window on my way to the Cheesecake Factory.

They’re two doors down.

I’m not sure that’s a real gym.

It’s more of a gathering.

It’s like the women’s restroom at the stadium or the movies.

Just a place to hang out and tell each other how stupid men are.

After lunch.

When are they going to come up with a real gym for real people?

I swear one of these days I’m going to open an all you can eat buffet and strip club and I’m going to call it….

The Gym.

“Where you going honey?”

“Going to the gym babe.”

“You’ve been going there every night for a month and you’ve gained ten pounds.”

“Well you know what they say babe, muscle weighs more than fat.”

So don’t listen to these people that want to ruin Halloween for the kids.

Load them up with candy and chocolate. Thousands of dentists are depending on us. Just make sure to check out their bags first and snag a few of the good treats for yourself.

You know… Like the Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers….