Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Ask not what your treats can do for you. Ask what you can do for your treats.

Well it’s October.

And naturally Family Fitness has come out with a list of the “best” treats and “worst” treats for Halloween.

Here’s a partial list of their “best” treats:

“Pretzels, crackers, and popcorn. If you get whole-grain versions of crackers and pretzels, you can add some much needed fiber to the season’s high-chocolate diet.”

That’s just what we need. A bunch of little kids running around with too much fiber in their diet from all the whole grains they’re downing. Legions of little farters roaming our neighborhoods.


“Pumpkin seeds, almonds, peanuts, and trail mix”.

Peanuts? Aren’t they constantly warning us about peanut allergies and now we’re supposed to hand this crap out.

Trail mix? Are you kidding me? Trail mix? Where are these kids Trick or Treating? The old west?

“Juice boxes. (just check the label to make sure it’s juice & not colored sugar water!).”

What’s wrong with colored sugar water? I grew up on Kool-Aid and I turned out okay. Maybe if more kids had good old fashioned Kool-Aid they’d be able to stay awake in math class.

Here’s their “worst” list of treats.

“Gummy bears, jelly beans, caramels, fruit leather, gum, and other sticky treats. Full-sized chocolate bars. Cookies and snack cakes. Stay away from the following snacks voted worst vending machine snacks for kids by the Center for Science in the Public Interest: Chips Ahoy!, Oreos, Hostess HOHOs & other snack cakes, Keebler Club & Cheddar Sandwich Crackers, & Starburst Fruit Chews.”

Um… Read that again.

Who in the hell gives out Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers for Halloween? If I’m Trick or Treating that’s a house that’s definitely getting toilet papered.

And who are these communists at the “Center for Science in the Public Interest”? That’s right communists. Anyone who doesn’t like a HOHO has to be a communist.

Gummy bears? Come on! What are old people supposed to eat?

And Chips Ahoy? That’s a nautical food. Maybe the kids into sailing. How can you knock a food that’s basically saying hello every time you look at the bag. That’s not a bad treat. That’s a happy treat. That’s a treat that welcomes you home.

They’re bashing Starburst fruit chews? Hello? It says fruit right on them. We’re supposed to have five servings a day of that stuff.

This list got me thinking. Why would Family Fitness tell you what not to eat? That’s like a cigarette company telling you not to smoke.

If I owned Family Fitness I’d be serving Banana Cream Pies at the Deli I owned in the front half of the gym. Fatten them up and sell them another 24 month membership so we can hold their checking account hostage for those automatic deductions.

But I guess they don’t have to do that.

Because there are no fat people at Family Fitness.


Okay you see them there…


As a matter of fact you never see fat people at any gym.

I take that back.

I’ve seen fat people at “Curves”.

I seem them when I look in the window on my way to the Cheesecake Factory.

They’re two doors down.

I’m not sure that’s a real gym.

It’s more of a gathering.

It’s like the women’s restroom at the stadium or the movies.

Just a place to hang out and tell each other how stupid men are.

After lunch.

When are they going to come up with a real gym for real people?

I swear one of these days I’m going to open an all you can eat buffet and strip club and I’m going to call it….

The Gym.

“Where you going honey?”

“Going to the gym babe.”

“You’ve been going there every night for a month and you’ve gained ten pounds.”

“Well you know what they say babe, muscle weighs more than fat.”

So don’t listen to these people that want to ruin Halloween for the kids.

Load them up with candy and chocolate. Thousands of dentists are depending on us. Just make sure to check out their bags first and snag a few of the good treats for yourself.

You know… Like the Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers….