Saturday, October 06, 2007

Dancing with The Unit

“Damn! Now that’s an outfit!!! What show is this?”

“Dancing With the Stars numb nuts.”

“Porn Stars?”


“Look at that chick. She looks like a Las Vegas stripper.”

“Really. And you would know this because?”

“Uh… I read a lot.”

“Uh huh… Stop being an idiot and let me watch my show in peace.”

“Who’s that old guy?”

“What old guy?”

“That guy right there. Who’s he?”

“That’s Wayne Newton.”

“That’s not Wayne Newton.”

“Dammit Calabrese! I’m trying to watch the show! That’s Wayne Newton, he’s the old guy on the show, just like Larry King was last year.”

“Larry King danced with Porn Stars? Well that explains the heart attacks.”

“Don’t make me get off this couch.”

“Sweetheart look at that guy, that’s not Wayne Newton, look at his face.”

“Idiot, he’s had a little plastic surgery.”

“A little? Ya think? He looks like Marie Osmond.”

“That is Marie Osmond.”


“That’s Marie Osmond she’s on the show too,”

“Come on you’re making this crap up. You’re trying to tell me that Wayne Newton had plastic surgery so he could look like Marie Osmond so they could be on a TV show to dance together with Porn Stars?”

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I want to remember the look on your face right before you died.”

“Come on babe change the channel. I don’t want to watch this crap.”

“It’s not crap. I like this show and I was here first. Go upstairs and watch TV.”

“But… This is my TV.”

“Your TV? Really? Your TV? You think this is your TV?”

“Yes. Remember? We bought this big screen HDTV TV so I could watch football on the big screen. Remember?”

“Uh huh… And what night is tonight?”


“Uh huh… And is there a football game on tonight?”

“Uh… no…..”

“So you came in here to ruin my show because………”

“I want to watch The Unit”

“Watch that stupid show upstairs.”

“That’s only a 30 inch screen it’s not the same on a 30 inch screen. Um… Put the coaster down.”

“Get out of here Calabrese.”

“At least DVR it for me.”

“I can’t, I’m recording House down here.”


“My god! How old are you? Big whinny baby? “That’s not fair, that’s not fair, my wife is recording her shows and not mine. Waaaaaaaa.”

“All I’m saying is that we should compromise, we should reach an agreement that’s acceptable to both of us.”


“COME ON!!! WHY???”

“Cuz I’m here first and I’ve got the remote.”


“Excuse me? What did you call me?”

“You heard me.”

“Just go upstairs and watch your “Unit”.


“Whatever. Go play with your “Unit”.

“This is BULL!!! Marriage is supposed to be about compromise. Give and take. A little sacrifice on both parts. You watch one show I watch one show.”

“Marriage is about compromise? Uh huh…. Who told you that?”

“I read it in one of your magazines. I think it was Better Homes and Vaginas or something like that.”

“Calabrese I’ve been married to you for almost thirty years. I know you. This is not about compromise. This is your little game to annoy the crap out of me until I give up and go upstairs so I don’t have to listen to you anymore.”

“Is it working?”

“Look at this face. Do you think its working?”

“A little.”

“Really? This face?”

“Well actually you are starting to look a little like Wayne Newton.”

“OUCH!!!!! MARIE OSMOND??? Damn woman!!!! Stop throwing coasters”

***By the way for those of you in the San Diego or So Cal area I’ll be performing at The Pala Casino on Tuesday, October 9th, opening for John Pinette. Normally I don’t post performance dates here but John is my favorite comedian and truly one of the funniest men on the planet. It’s an honor to share the stage with him. This is a show you do not want to miss. To order tickets before the show sells out visit:

I hope to see you at the show.