Thursday, October 18, 2007

Just another day in paradise...... Sort of.....

There comes a time in every man’s life where you wake up in the morning with all the intentions in the world of going to out exercise and then you look at yourself in the mirror and say,

“*&#^ it…”

“I’ve peaked.”

I am just not a morning person.

How do these people wake up before the crack of dawn and exercise?

I don’t want to get up at the “crack” of anything! It’s not normal.

I’ve had friends say that they listen to their bodies and their bodies tell them to get up and exercise.

They’ve obviously never listened to my body.

I’ll admit my body makes a little noise in the morning but it has never told me to exercise.

My body has never told me that.

If my body is talking to me at 5:00am it’s telling me there’s cold pizza in the fridge.

I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “What do I get out of this if I get up and exercise at 5:00am?”

And the answer is always the same.


Let’s say I get up early, exercise, lose weight and get in the best shape of my life. Let’s say I’m the picture of health.

It still won’t change anything.

At my age if I go into a doctors office no matter what the problem is I’m going to get a finger up my butt.

“Doc my shoulder hurts.”

“Well let’s check the old prostate.”


“Oh there it is. Your prostate is nice and small.”

“That’s just because it’s cold in here doc. Normally it’s huge. But you know what they say... Big hands, big prostate.”

Seriously, what does good health really buy you once you hit 50 years old?

An extra five years?

What if that extra five years is during Hillary Clinton’s time as President? Do I want to spend the last five years of my life listening to someone that always sounds like a pissed off ex-wife?

What if you diet and exercise to get that extra five years and then get run over by an illegal alien who doesn’t have any auto insurance?

Hey I live in California, it could happen.

I think there are too many “ifs” in the world to throw all my eggs in the “eat right and exercise basket.”

What if exercise and broccoli are the real killers?

No one really knows now do they?

If you stand a piece of broccoli on its stalk it kind of looks like a little mushroom cloud doesn’t it?

Do you really want that going off in your body?

Now look at a pizza.

It’s a circle.

Like the “Circle of Life”.

It’s starts out as a little roll of dough and then gets tossed and shaped into a beautiful circle, covered with all sorts of yummy toppings and then it’s baked to perfection, and you eat it, and the world is good, and eventually it turns into a little roll of…

You get the picture.

I can hear Elton John singing about it in my head right now.

“The circle of life, covered with pepperoni and cheese, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, faith and love, with a sauce like Momma use to make…….”

Oh god….

I think I’m weeping.

“What the hell is wrong with you Calabrese? Put down that phone.”

“I… I was just checking the time….”

“They don’t have that service anymore. If you want the time just look at the cable box.”

“I can’t put it down. I need to call someone.”

“Who? Who are you are you calling? Are you crying?”

“Yes… I think I am.”


“I was just thinking about calling Joe over at The Venetian.”

”What the hell are you talking about?”

“I miss him. I haven’t been there or seen him in almost a year.”

“Oh my god!!!! You were going to order a pizza weren’t you????? I can’t believe you!!!!”

“I just want to look at one. I wouldn’t eat it. I would just hold it up and smell it. Maybe build a little shrine to it in the kitchen.”

“You’re pathetic. You’d blow your diet after all this time for a lousy slice of pizza?”

“BE SILENT!!! SACRILEGE WOMAN!!!!! It’s not lousy pizza!!! It’s the best pizza in San Diego! Eating that pizza is a religious experience. I saw the face of Jesus in that pizza. Once. Briefly.”

“Be silent? Be silent? You did not just tell me to be silent.”


“I don’t care numb nuts do whatever you want. You want to blow your diet and get big and fat again go ahead. It’s your health.”

“AHA!!! Yes it is. And do you know what good health gets you? A finger up your butt that’s what!!! Well not me woman, not me.”

“You’re an idiot. You want to be around for your grandkids? You want to watch them grow up? Well then you better take care of yourself starting with your diet and exercise.”

“But… But… I miss it so much….”

“Snap out of it!”

“Fine. But my butt is on your head woman. It’s on your head.”

“Excuse me.”

“I mean the fate of my butt is in your hands… Well not in your hands actually…”

“Look at it this way Calabrese. The smaller your butt is the easier and quicker the examination will be. Because it doesn’t matter weather your skinny or fat or in shape or not that’s where the doctor is going.”

“But it’s not fair.”

“Think of it as punishment for ditching jury duty.”

“I… um… that makes sense in an odd sort of way….”

“Now go drink one of your diet shakes and then go for a walk.”

“Yes doctor…… You might as well be one… you’re on my ass all the time.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing sweetheart… You know me… I’m all about health.”