Monday, November 06, 2006

If I Were the King of the Forest.........

I always get kind of a kick from the arguments for and against the Propositions on our ballot.

Here’s the obvious dilemma.

If we accept that one side has to be correct in what they are saying then the other side must be lying.

So then is dawned on me, “How come they don’t come up with Propositions that are so obviously good for us you couldn’t possibly argue against them?”

Here’s what I mean.

Proposition 666 – Bans any music that sounds like Satan is rising from the dead i.e. Korn, Hole, or RAP music, from being blared out of any motor vehicle. First offenders would be fined $5,000. The funds would be used for contraceptive research within any community that listens to that crap. Second offense – Death.

Proposition A.D.D. – Provides grants to Soup Plantation and Home Town Buffet to build child only areas with separate buffet lines and sound proof buffers. Also encourages the creation of separate “senior” buffet lines with electronic moving walkways.

Proposition 711 – Provides funding for language training and deodorant for liquor store, convenience store, fast food establishment workers and cab drivers.

Proposition A.M. – Bans the elderly or anyone that doesn’t have a job from driving on the freeways before 9:00am. Estimated cost savings, $500 Billion dollars annually. This measure is opposed by the oil companies and my mother-in-law.

Proposition “Quick Stop” – Mandates the knowing of what the hell you want to order before going through a fast food drive thru. Bans all women from going thru a fast food drive thu at any time because it is physically impossible for them to know what they want ahead of time.

Proposition “Bye Bye” – Mandatory death penalty sentence for any politician, corporate big shot or religious leader convicted of child molesting.

Proposition “Bye Bye 2” – Mandatory death penalty sentence for any politician, corporate big shot or religious leader convicted of embezzlement or any financial wrong doing of any kind.

Proposition “Obvious” – Mandates the planting of evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction before, or immediately after, the invading of any country.

Proposition “Juan Valdez” – Has nothing to do with immigration. Provides funding for low income coffee drinkers that have maxed out their home equity lines and so they can no longer afford go to Starbucks.

This is the kind of crap I think of when I can’t sleep the night before Election Day. It’s now 11:55pm. Why am I up typing this stuff?

I’m craving a torpedo sandwich right now.


That should be a new Proposition.

Proposition “Provolone” – Mandates that all overweight middle aged Italians drive a Cadillac and are given free government Provolone cheese.

And Italian rolls.

And Mortadella.

And Salami.

And Italian dressing.

Damn this is not good.

Where do you get a torpedo sandwich at midnight?

That should be a new Proposition!!!

Proposition “Midnight Deli” – Mandates that at least one Italian Deli be open 24 hours in every city in the United States, Panama and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Don't forget to vote!