Thursday, June 23, 2005

Whole lotta shakin goin on!!!!

There is something I need to talk about.

I live in California, born and raised here, and lately we've had quite a few earthquakes.

I've noticed a pattern.

We have an earthquake and then all over the news they tell us to buy water.

We've got to have water. Everyone go out and buy water. Make sure you have enough water for "three days." Why don't you get 10 days of water or a months worth of water? Who came up with 3 days and why?

I think its three days because by day four you'll be killed by the looters.

Or you can go to your neighbor's house and take the rest of their water.

Personally I'd rather have three days worth of tequila. Since it's made from the Agave plant it's technically a vegetable and I'm supposed to have at least 5 servings a day. It can also be used as disinfectant and if you drink enough of it you don't really care anymore that you have no house.

I remember growing up they told us in school that we were supposed to get under our desks in case of nuclear attack.

The advice doesn't seemed to have changed that much because in case of an earthquake you're supposed to "DROP, COVER, AND HOLD ON." They actually want us to practice this at least twice a year. Drop under a desk, hold on, and protect your eyes by pressing your face against your arm.

DROP, COVER, AND HOLD ON...That's the same thing I do when I have sex.

So I guess I don't need the practice.

The other thing that they want you to have is a survival kit. I bought one for a family of four. It comes with 472 bandages of all shapes and sizes which apparently is how many a family of four needs for three days after an earthquake, mainly because you're shaving without water.

It also comes with vinyl gloves, matches, dust masks, 50 feet of nylon rope, a Swiss Army Knife and duct tape. Um...are we supposed to be surviving an earthquake or planning a kidnapping?

It comes with pills that purify water.

Supposedly you see a pool of nasty looking water, you drop a pill in it and you can drink it. So all I really need is to find enough nasty looking pools of water for three days.

It comes with a can opener... but no cans.

There's a lot of other stuff that I have no clue how to use and some stuff that looks like astronaut clothing, a weird looking pair of pliers, candy bars and a whistle. You need the whistle in case you have a survivor version of a pick up football game.

All this comes packed in a five gallon drum. The five gallon drum comes with an optional snap on toilet seat. Optional? Optional? Why is it optional? I don't have enough pills to purify that!!!

I can never figure out where the best place is to keep a survival kit. I've moved it around so much half the time I don't know where it is.

If my house were wiped out in an earthquake where would the safest place for my earthquake survival kit be? They say you're supposed to put it by the front door. Nothing says welcome to the Calabrese's like a survival pack with an optional snap on toilet seat as you enter the house. What happens if you can't get to the front door? What if the door is gone?

I have this vision of me being the last survivor, but not for long, because I can't find the damn survival kit!!!

I think I need to move next to a Home Town Buffet. Now that's some rubble worth sifting through.

Sometimes I get the munchies late at night...I eat the emergency candy bars out of the survival kit. If the big one comes my wife is going to be pissed...and hungry.

I'd like to see some emergency popcorn maybe some beef jerky. You could put a whole lot of beef jerky in a five gallon drum. Maybe an entire dried out cow.

I've never understood survival rations. They put four 3600 calorie candy bars in a survival kit. That's supposed to be food for four people for four days.

Umm...maybe if you were born in Ethiopia. That won't hold me until lunch!!!

But the real problem, and what scares me the most, is I just know when the big one does hit, I'm going to be sitting on the toilet.

I can see it now, the wall holding the roll of toilet paper will just fall away and I'll be sitting there, on my porcelain throne, thinking. "Where is that damn survival kit? Thank God I got that optional snap on lid!!!"