Sunday, June 26, 2005

I can save the world. Or at least 30 minutes of my time.

I have a plan that will eliminate all traffic jams from the face of the earth. It's innovative, cost effective, environmentally safe and friendly, easier to implement than the Department of Homeland Security terrorist warning color system, will save Social Security, and will probably save the lives of thousands of illegal aliens. This one plan will eliminate our dependence on foreign oil forever.

(I sound like John Kerry)

Yes, I have a plan.

I actually do have a plan. (So I guess I'm not John Kerry)

Unfortunately the unemployed and everyone over the age of sixty-five must be put to sleep. Ta Da!!!

I'm obviously joking about offing the unemployed. Anyone that's seen and old man or woman on the freeway at 7:00am knows I'm only half joking about the elderly.

Come on people it's called a freeway. We should be able to roam free. If everyone is going at least 65 miles and hour, and I mean everyone, then there CAN'T BE A TRAFFIC JAM!!!!! It's called a RUSH hour not MOSEY along at 55 hour.

But there are traffic jams. There are traffic jams because there are people on the freeways that don't want to roam free. There are people on the freeways that want to ruin your day. They want someone else to feel as lousy as they do so they're up at the crack of dawn for absolutely no reason and they hit the road.

They don't even need to be there.

They do it on purpose.

I think it's to get even with us for canceling "Matlock." (Young people look it up)

Here's my plan.

If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job, you don't get to leave your home until 9:00am. You get to sleep in. It's a bonus. It's free. So enjoy it.

If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job, you must be in your home by 3:00pm and are not allowed to leave again until 6:00pm.


It's so simple, so easy and so perfect.

I have one more thing I have to throw into the plan just for me.

Sometimes it's just about me.

If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job you must do your grocery shopping Monday thru Friday, 9:00am to 3:00pm.

And no coupons!!! All grocery stores will automatically apply every store coupon that exists to the products an old person buys.

There is absolutely no reason that retired people or the unemployed need to shop on the weekends.

Why the unemployed?

If you're unemployed YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO SPEND!!!!! You have coupons and welfare stuff, things, whatever! And you're always in front of me on the weekends while Jimmie the store clerk calls the manager over to explain why you can't buy Wild Turkey with food stamps.

No I'm not worried about the elderly or unemployed reading this. They either can't afford a computer or if they're like my mother-in-law, can't use it for anything other than playing solitaire.

If they are retired and can use a computer they're only looking at or surfing Asian porn.

Yeah I know, some of you are angry, but all of you, each and everyone of you, has already pictured an unblocked grocery store aisle and speedier checkout line in your mind. Admit it.

What about doctor's appointments Tony? They need to go to the doctor.

That's the beauty of the plan. If you don't have a job or if you have retired from a job you don't get a doctors appointment until after 9:00am.

People that work for a living go first so they can get their butts back to work to earn the money, to pay the taxes, to take care of the people..... that don't have a job.

This will also allow doctors to only book four people at the same time instead of eight.

You think I'm being mean? I spent the prime of my life in the Disco years. I've paid my dues.

If our government can invade a country for no reason or claim the right of Eminent Domain so that companies like Wal-Mart can take your home surely they can handle this.

I realize that I will either grow old or die or grow old and then die. I may even end up unemployed someday. I can assure you that if I reach any of those points I will milk the system for all it's worth.

But you have my oath that you will never see me in Vons on the weekends and I will never hit the freeway during rush hour. Ever!!!!!!

Let's all make that pledge. Let's leave a better world for our children. Let's save our planet. Who's with me?

Ahhhhh...................I feel better.