Thursday, February 14, 2008

Don't ask me why this stuff goes through my mind on Valentine's Day.

At some point in history someone got the concept of free samples. I believe it was probably the ancient Chinese. “No ees no too hot, you try sampu.”

Now free samples are for the most part a good thing. I don’t know how many times I’ve had lunch at COSTCO without spending a dime but trust me it’s a bunch.

I actually tried taking my wife to COSTCO to learn how to cook.

“See honey if that mentally handicapped Asian woman with three teeth can make ravioli’s with just a frying pan, olive oil and a pencil you could do it too.”

(That ones going to cost me.)

(A lot.)

Most of the free samples I’ve had are food or drink items. Very rarely do you see free samples of light bulbs, motor oil or toilet paper.

I also hear you never get free samples at a strip club.

That’s what I hear.

It’s too bad you can’t get a free sample of what the next president would be like. I think it would be great to get a free sample of foreign policy, fiscal policy and common sense before we vote.

Right…. And that will happen when monkeys fly out of my butt.

I remember when I thought it was a good idea to go and get free samples of wine.

My wife and I and a group of friends went on a limousine tour of the Temecula Wineries. There are twenty wineries in Temecula and they all make the same thing.

Red and white wine with really fancy names.

You go from winery to winery “tasting” wines. It’s not free though. You buy a ticket for $7 to $10 bucks at each winery and it gets you four or five tastes. So basically you get free samples of wine for around $2. That’s almost free.

The wineries do have some totally free samples… of crackers. All the crackers you can eat.

First you sample wine and then you eat crackers.

I thought the crackers were like nuts or something at the bar. You know…. snacks!!!

I just kept eating crackers until one of the wine baristas, or whatever you call those people, scolded me and told me I was supposed to eat just one between tastes.

The crackers are supposed to “clear” your palate so you can tell the subtle differences between wines. By the third winery your palate can’t tell the difference between and old sock and cheesecake I don’t care how many crackers you eat.

As for these wine baristas these poor bastards do nothing all day but pour wine to the throngs of drunks passing as wine aficionados that visit the wineries.

They’re like Starbucks baristas that have finally grown up. They’re angry because no one can pronounce the names of the wines they want to sample.

“I would like try that one.”

“You mean the 2005 Decaf Frapponoir Salamanca Chico Sauvignon Family Reserve?”


“Fine it has a light oaky fruity cherry wood taste with a hint of smokey apricot fungus, old worn German sandals and grape flavor to it.”

“Uh… It tastes red.”

99% of the people tasting wines at these wineries are drinking their samples as if it was last call.

Here’s what you’re never supposed to hear at a wine tasting:

“Hit me again.”

There are a few people that pretend they actually know what they’re doing. They smell the wine, swirl the wine, smell the wine and then pound it down like a shot of tequila.

But they do it delicately.

Then they eat a cracker.

There are also people I call wine snobs. I love these people. They know everything there is to know about grapes.

Here are the only two things I know about grapes. I know that my ultimate fantasy is to have Salma Hayek wearing nothing but high heel shoes feed them to me one at a time while she calls me Caesar and sings “My Funny Valentine”.

What? Like I’m alone on that one.

Plus I know that I like grape jam better than grape jelly.

Wine snobs spend hours tasting and spitting out wine. They actually spit it out! Even if they like it! Trust me I’ve seen it!

The only thing I ever spit out is tofu which to me is vegetable liver. I swear it has the same disgusting texture as liver. I’ll bet if I kill, cut and skin broccoli somewhere in there next to the kidneys is the “tofu”.

You don’t believe me?

Taste it. You never see anyone giving out free samples of that crap because no one would buy the stuff if they did.

“Yeah Yeah Yeah…. I know. It’s healthy and will help you lose weight. The only reason it helps you lose weight is because you can’t swallow it.

I don’t want to go off on a tofu tangent here.

The wineries are a fun place to people watch. You see a wide variety of alcoholics and just plain drunks at the wineries. The other thing you see a lot of…. is.… um…. well…. Cougars.

And I’m not talking about big cats.

For some reason there were hordes of 40 something year old women piling in and out of limos at every winery we went to.

I don’t get it.

All I know is they frightened me.

I felt an evil presence around them.

Maybe they were all having hot flashes.

I had this terrible urge to go hammer something use a television remote or barbecue.

I felt sorry for their limo drivers. Those guys would be safer driving in Baghdad.

That brings up something else that I couldn’t figure out. How in the hell do you tour these wineries without a limo?

If I was a cop I would just park outside a winery and pull people over. I have my DUI quota in about an hour.

In defense of the wineries they do have food. Some of it is really amazing. There is one winery called the Maurice Car’rie Winery that sells hot sourdough bread with… get this… cheese baked in the middle of it.

It’s hot and filled with melted cheese. A little sourdough volcano of cheese.

I wept.

I wanted to sacrifice a virgin to it.

I swear after I ate some of it I was actually speaking in tongues. That may have been the molten cheese just burning my mouth though.

We’re talking an amazing loaf of bread. Maybe the best bread I have ever tasted in my life.

I didn’t want to leave.

They had to force me back into the limo.

Communist bastards.

I was fighting them off as best I could but I was holding four loaves of bread at the time. That must have been how it felt at the Alamo. I would have stayed there the rest of the day just eating my hot molten cheese sourdough bread. Eventually I weakened and lapsed into a sourdough coma. When I woke up I was in the limo and my bread was gone. BUT THERE WERE CRUMBS!!!!! Communist bastards ate my bread.

You know ladies you can make a man a sandwich and feed him for day. But you melt some cheese in a loaf of sourdough bread……You’re getting jewelry for the rest of your life without having to do anything even remotely related to oral sex.

Damn now I’m hungry.

Does COSTCO give out free samples on Thursdays? COSTCO should have free samples of wine to go with the crackers, soup and ravioli. They have a bakery. COSTCO should bake enormous loaves of sourdough bread with cheese melted in them.

You know…. I might even vote for Hillary if she gave out free samples of sourdough bread with cheese melted in it.



Nope can’t do it.

Not even with the bread.

I still can’t get past the “cankles”.

Not even if she was feeding me grapes.

"My funny Valentine... sweet comic valentine..... you make me smile with my heart. Your looks are laughable, unphotographable, yet you're my favorite work of aaaaaaarrrrrrrttttttt.................."

Saturday, February 09, 2008

One of those special life moments…..

I love Monty Python. I actually love British humor in general but Monty Python… well… shear brilliance.

Two weeks ago I changed my cell phone ring tone from the Godfather Theme to an excerpt from Monty Python and The Holy Grail.

Now when my cell phone rings I hear the following:

“Bring out your dead… bring out your dead… bring out your dead… here’s one…I’m not dead yet….”

Anyway every Friday my Rotary Club meets for lunch at the Yacht Club.

I head to the restroom after lunch and just as I unzip my zipper my cell phone rings.

“Bring out your dead… bring out your dead… bring out your dead…..”

There’s a little old guy with a captain’s hat standing at the stall next to me and he turns to me and says:

“It’s not dead yet…. But it is a little worn out.”

Did you know it’s almost impossible to pee when you’re laughing?