Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky...Stormy Weather (It's a long one)
“Hey Alex!!! Hey son. Did you have a good day in school today?”
”I’m a rainbow!!!”
“Dad that means he wasn’t bad but he wasn’t perfect either.”
“Whew! I thought maybe they were teaching some weird sexual orientation thing in kindergarten.”
“It’s a behavior thing dad!!! They have four behavior levels in kindergarten, Sunny, Rainbow, Cloudy and Stormy…. He’s been a little “Stormy” lately.”
“That’s how we labeled the nuns when I was in school. I never saw Sister Mary Sunny but Sister Mary Stormy used to beat the crap out of me.”
“Dad don’t start in front of Alex, he takes that stuff you say to school. He repeats everything his Poppa tells him.”
“So basically he’s a genius.”
“Fine, I get it, no problem.”
“So you’re going to watch Alex on your own?”
“I can watch a five year old.”
“I know dad but… well… just don’t teach him anything until mom gets home.”
“Son… trust me…..”
“When is mom coming home?”
“You really think I can answer that question? She went shopping. She could be home next Tuesday. You know how women are. Stick a Visa card in their hand and they use it like a scepter.”
”DAD! Not in front of Alex.”
“Don’t worry. You and Melina go to the parent teacher night and leave the care and well being of my grandson to me.”
“And no sugar dad.”
“Not to worry just healthy fruits and veggies. I’m all about health.”
“See you later son.”
“Alex, listen to your Poppa and Gramma when she gets home, we’ll see you later.”
“So Alex. Are you hungry?”
“Yep. Can I have some Spiderman gummies?”
“Sure, that’s technically a fruit.”
“Slow down little buddy. Here’s the deal, you get one bag now and one later but it will be our secret okay.”
“Cause once we make a deal it has to stay secret. You know what Italians call people that tell secrets? A rat. You don’t want to be a rat right? So we have a deal?”
“Okay let’s shake on it.”
(One hour later)
“Hi honey I’m home.”
“Hey babe how was shopping?”
“I wasn’t shopping. I just went to pick up a blouse.”
“Don’t start with me Calabrese. Hi Alex give Gramma a hug.”
“Hi Gramma Poppa gave me Spiderman gummies.”
(Kid has a lot to learn about being a rat.)
“I hope you gave him something for dinner other than Spiderman gummies.”
“He gave me two bags of Spiderman gummies.”
(A lot to learn….)
“Technically they’re a healthy snack. They are made of fruit.”
“Fruit? Okay Calabrese name a fruit that has the texture of gummy candy.”
“Times up numb nuts. You know better than load him up with sugar. He’ll be bouncing off the walls all night.”
”I didn’t load him up. He’s about a half a tank.”
“Gramma called you numb nuts.”
“She sure did. Tell your mom. Not like you’d keep anything a secret.”
“Numb nuts, numb nuts, numb nuts, numb nuts……”
”I can’t believe you. You told him to keep it a secret?”
“Numb nuts, numb nuts, hahahahahaha, Poppa is a numb nuts. That’s funny Gramma.”
“It was a history lesson. I was teaching him about his Italian heritage. I’m all about education.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Poppa is a numb nuts, Poppa is a numb nuts…..”
“Alex that’s enough. Let’s sit down and read one of your books. And you… husband… need to think about not being an idiot.”
“Gramma what’s a scepter?”
“What? A scepter? Calabrese?”
“He saw it on the History Channel. It was a Queen Elizabeth special. Very homely woman as a matter of fact but she had a nice scepter.”
(A little later)
“Hey dad, mom.”
“So how was your first parent teacher night?”
“Apparently Alex has a very vivid imagination.”
“That’s great! I knew my grandson was creative. You can always tell the smart ones.”
“Dad… This is not necessarily a good thing. We need to talk to Alex.”
“HI DAD!!!! HI MOM!!! POPPA IS A NUMB NUTS!!!!”
“Son, settle down. Your mother and I need to talk to you. Son you told us that you were a “Rainbow” today.”
“Your teacher says you were “Stormy” today. That you punched Dustin for no reason. Is that true? Did you have a Stormy day?”
(Uh oh… Looks like it’s gonna rain.)
“Are you sure?”
“I felt like a rainbow today.”
“You didn’t punch Dustin?”
“I didn’t punch him.”
“Are you sure you didn’t punch him?”
“Sure I’m sure. I didn’t punch him. I socked him in the head.”
“Alex why did you sock Dustin???”
“He needed to be socked.”
“Alex what did Dustin do that would cause you to hit him in the head?”
“I didn’t hit him.”
“I know, I know, you socked him. Why did you sock him?”
“Cause some people just need to be socked.”
“Alex you can’t go around socking people in the head. Violence never solved anything.”
“Yes it does.”
“No Alex it doesn’t.”
“Yes it does dad. Dustin wouldn’t listen to me so I socked him in the head. He listened to me after that. He was crying a little… but he was listening.”
“Kids got a point.”
”Tony! Knock it off.”
”I’m just saying…OUCH!!! Fine I get it. Stop with the back to head thing. See, now I’m listening. OUCH!!!.”
“Keep quiet Calabrese you’ve done enough already.”
“What? What did I do? I never told him to hit anyone unless it was in self defense. Okay okay I get it.”
“Alex, your teacher said you socked Dustin and then pretended someone else socked him. Is that true?”
“Alex who is Ryan?”
“He’s a rat.”
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Apparently he’s learned something.)
“What are you smiling about?”
“I’m not… I was… He… I… I’m not smiling. Don’t hit me in the back of the head.”
(After about twenty minutes of watching and listening to my son and daughter-in-law lecture my grandson…)
“I got in trouble Poppa.”
“Yes you did.”
“My teacher is a rat.”
“Teachers don’t count. They’re supposed to rat.”
“So what’s the real reason you socked him?”
“I didn’t sock him that hard.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“I probably won’t sock him again.”
“That’s good. You said Dustin wasn’t listening? What were you trying to tell him?”
“I was telling him not to talk to Jessica.”
(AHA!!!! A woman was involved. Figures.)
“Was Jessica talking to him?”
“Jessica talks to everyone. Jessica never stops talking.”
“So you like Jessica?”
“Everybody likes Jessica.”
“Oh… Well it was still wrong to sock Dustin but I understand why you did it.”
“Why didn’t you just tell your mom and dad about Jessica?”
“Because I’m too young to understand women.”
“Who told you that?”
“Um… Yes… Well… I was right. As a matter of fact your Poppa is still too young to understand women and I’m fifty years old. You never really understand women. I’ve lived with your Gramma for thirty years I still got no clue. Dealing with women is kind of like scratching a lottery ticket. Sometimes you have a winner but most of the time it just costs you a buck. But hey, at least you got to scratch something. Do you know what I mean?”
“Alex women are like…”
“OH MY GOD!!!! Did you just tell our grandson that I’m a lottery ticket?”
(My wife is a freaking ninja!)
“Eh….. What I was saying was that…um… you know…How great it is to be with women… um… even though… you know… we men don’t always get you.”
“Oh you’re not going to get any alright.”
“Do you want me to scratch you Gramma?”
“No Gramma doesn’t need any scratching right now. But your grandfather is going to be scratched real soon if he doesn’t behave. You need to go downstairs now honey it’s time for you to go home.”
“I love you Gramma.”
“I love you too.”
“I love you Poppa.”
“I love you too little buddy.”
“You’re my best friend Poppa.”
”Well you’re my best friend too.”
“A scratcher? So I’m a scratcher.”
“Stop it right there. Did it dawn on that pea sized brain of yours that he’s going to go to school tomorrow and probably try to scratch Jessica? You realize that don’t you?”
“No… yes… but….”
“I’m proud of him.”
“He didn’t rat me out to AJ and Melina about the “too young to understand women” thing. He took his punishment like a man.”
“He was punished because he punched another child in the head. Why he punched him is irrelevant.”
“Spoken like a woman and he didn’t punch him, he socked him.”
“Don’t even start.”
“Don’t you get it? Even at age five he gets it. It’s a question of honor and loyalty. It’s a man thing.”
“It’s an idiot thing. You need a keeper Calabrese.”
“No… Poppa needs to be scratched… wink wink.”
“Here’s a coat hanger knock yourself out.”
“Ooohhhh… Someone’s having a Stormy day.”
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
My Kingdom for a Goat!!!
It’s not everyday that you read the following headline:"Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god”
No this was not an old issue of “The Weekly World News” this was a Reuters headline yesterday..
The story continued:
“KATHMANDU - Officials at
Maybe that’s why they only have two planes….. left.
How would you like to be looking out the window of the 757 you’re on waiting to take off and see someone sacrificing a goat on the runway?
“Excuse me stewardess?”
“Umm… Someone is killing a goat out there.”
“Yes sir, we know sir. We’re just having some mechanical difficulties and we want to make sure the sky god has us covered.”
Fifty bucks says there’s a mechanic named Jesus with his hands on his hips saying, “A couple more hours I could have replaced the chingarera and that thing would have flown great. But noooooooo………. they have to kill my goats.”
How would you like to be the pilot and copilot of that plane?
"Tower this is Nepal 001, we are experiencing an engine malfunction and may need to return to the gate."
"Nepal 001 this is the tower, no need to return... we're sending out a goat."
Where is PETA when you need them?
I have this vision of a herd of goats next to the runway and every one of them is thinking, "FLY YOU SON OF A BITCH FLY!!!!"
What happens if this trend starts to spread?
Anything mechanical breaks down… some mammal needs to die.
What if Greyhound starts sacrificing cats in front of buses?
What if it spreads to any kind of failure in general?
“Honey we just got little Timmy’s report card and he’s failed his geometry class.”
“Kill his fish.”
“Mr. President we’re having a little trouble in
“Kill a Donkey.”
Who the hell keeps a goat around to sacrifice anyway?
I don’t know anyone that owns a goat.
Or a pig.
Or a cow.
Basically I don’t know anyone that owns farm animals.
How did they come up with the idea that killing two goats would make a Boeing 757 fly?
I’ve never seen a flying goat.
I did see a flying pig once.
At least I think it was a pig.
It squealed a lot just before it landed. Well… it didn’t actually land… it kind of crashed to earth.
It’s a tequila story and I’d rather not relive it.
This is the kind of stuff that makes me glad I’m an American.
Sure we can screw a few things up. But we’ve never sacrificed a goat. We probably won’t sacrifice cats, donkeys or hamsters either.
I’m okay with chickens. We could sacrifice a few chickens maybe add a little barbecue sauce some mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, some biscuits and gravy…
Hmmm…. I wonder if you can barbecue goat?