Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Never have it your way before you go to sleep....

“Pssst! Calabrese!”

“What? Who is that?”

“It’s me. The voice in your head.”

“The good voice or the bad voice?”

“The good voice.”

“So what do you want?”

“It’s time my friend.”

“Time for what?”

“Time to get moving.”

“It’s 3:00am, I don’t have to get up for another three hours.”

“I’m not talking about today my friend. I’m talking about the rest of your life.”

“Oh crap, am I dreaming about some philosophical caca that’s supposed to get me motivated about life or something? Come on man it’s 3:00am. Are you sure you’re the good voice? Talk to me tomorrow.”

“The new year is coming. It’s a very special year, a very special year for both of us.

“It’s just 2007 it’s not that special. Now let me go back to sleep.”

“You are asleep. This is just a dream remember?”

“How come the voice in my head doesn’t have volume control?”

“Come on Tony. 2007 is the year you turn 50. The big 5 0!!! You should be thrilled. You need to get up, get in shape, start eating right, do all those things you’ve always wanted to do. This is your year.”

“I’m turning 50. That’s my year? The year I turn 50? You couldn’t have come say… thirty years ago? Leave me alone, What if 51 is my year. I don’t want to start this year off with false hope.”

“Remember all those times you looked in the mirror and said to yourself, “I should have eaten more fruit”? Well now you get that chance.”

“Hey leave him alone.”

“Who said that?”

“I did. The voice in your head.”

“I’m already talking to the voice in my head.”

“I’m the other voice.”

“The bad voice?”

“No not the bad voice. I’m the voice you want to listen to.”

“Don’t listen to him you’ll only get into trouble.”

“Look Tone here’s the deal. You can exercise and diet and eat all the fruit and vegetable crap you want. You’re still gonna be 50. I don’t care if you’re a fat 50 or a skinny 50, Salma Hayek isn’t going to sleep with you.”

“What makes you think I want to have sex with Salma Hayek?”

“Dude everyone wants to have sex with Salma Hayek.”

“He has a point.”

“Hey I thought you were supposed to be the good voice. Now you’re agreeing with him?”

“Helllooooo….. It’s Salma Hayek.”

“Fine. Wait… you’re just voices right?”

“That’s right.”

“Then how come there’s a squirrel in this dream?”

“Does it look like Salma Hayek?”

“No… It… he… looks like… The Burger King guy.”

“A squirrel with the face of the Burger King, Burger King? Is Salma Hayek with him? Cause that would be one hell of a dream.”

“No he’s running around changing the light bulbs in my house.”

“I got nothing. You?”

“Hey you’re the good voice. If you can’t think of anything what makes you think I can.?”

“You know Tony you’re lying in bed listening to two different voices in your head thinking about Salma Hayek while a squirrel who looks like the Burger King runs around your house changing light bulbs. Um... Maybe diet and exercise aren’t the only issues you need to work on in 2007.”

“STOP KICKING ME!!! Damn woman that hurts.”

“Roll over, you’re snoring and mumbling in your sleep again.”

“I don’t snore.”

“Yeah… sure… and I don’t shop. Now let me get back to sleep”



“For 2007….”


“No Burger King.”

“What? Go back to sleep.”



“Can we rent Frida?”

“Can we what? Idiot go back to sleep.”


“Dammit Calabrese this better be good.”

“I’m going to be 50 next year.”


“Dude let it go she sounds pissed.”

“I’ll bet Salma Hayek wouldn’t mind your snoring.”

“You think he’s going to be asleep if Salma Hayek was here? Be serious.”

“Hey I’m just like you, a voice in his head; I’m entitled to voice my own opinions.”

“You both just need to shut up.”

“Who said that?’

“Whoa… I think it was the squirrel.”


“I just wanted to remind you that there’s a bulb out in my bathroom.”

“Tell the squirrel.”



Monday, December 25, 2006

"And Three Wise Men appeared from the direction of the local 7-11"

Do you ever have one of those days where you’re in a hurry and you end up on a four lane street with a speed limit of 40 miles per hour and on your side of the street the right lane in front of you is occupied by an old person doing 27.5 miles and hour and he’s in a race with the old person in the left lane in front of you who’s also doing 27.5 miles and hour and you’re hitting every red light and there’s no way around them and then 30 minutes into drive you can’t remember where you’re going?

That sums up December.

Have you ever gone to Las Vegas with your wife and she decides to go see “Phantom of the opera with a few friends and you’re left alone, a man, in Las Vegas, with two hours to kill, a man, alone, in Las Vegas and you.... decide to take a nap?

That sums up December.

Have you ever gone to Las Vegas and the only thing that happened to you in Las Vegas that’s supposed to stay in Las Vegas is the flu?

That sums up December.

I haven’t written in a month. I did start to write but nothing seemed funny. Sometimes you get writers block. Other times it hits you in the face with a hammer.

Its Christmas morning and I am forcing my self to write. So in honor of Christmas Day I said to myself, “What would Jesus write?”

I think he would tell the tale of how he received this week a unique Christmas gift.

A painting on black velvet.

Not a painting of Elvis,

Not a painting of four dogs playing poker.

Not even a painting of the Golden Gate Bridge.

No I received on black velvet...

wait for it...

A painting of the Taj Mahal.

I will repeat that for you.

A painting of the Taj Mahal.

Don’t believe me?


Now when you receive a black velvet painting of the Taj Mahal and the person that gave it to you is waiting for a response you have two options.

One is to look the person straight in the eye and say, “What the #$%*!”

The other is to pretend to be excited.

So I’m excited about the Taj Mahal.....

Well hell it’s Christmas, what was I supposed to do?

He could have at least framed the thing.

He thought it would look good in my office.

I’ve looked at my office.

Never once did I say to myself.... “You know this place needs something... oh I don’t know... from India.”

Do Hindus even celebrate Christmas?

I mean the ones that didn’t get the customer service contract for SBC.

Maybe the Three Wise Men where from Bombay.

I wish you could have seen the look on my wife’s face when I showed this to her.

There is no way to describe it.

I can tell you what she said.

“You are not seriously thinking of hanging that thing up in my house?”

So here I am Christmas morning looking at my Christmas black velvet painted Taj Mahal thinking to myself.

“Where can I hang this to make my wife nuts?”

I’m thinking over the bed.

Or better yet in her dressing area.

Oh it’s going to be a great new year.

I can feel it.

And I have the black velvet painted Taj Mahal to prove it.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!