Thursday, November 01, 2007

How do you fake spontaneity? Maybe with a song?

So I’m watching TV….

Here’s a commercial that’s going to be about food.

A bunch of guys sitting around playing guitars.

Oh look a bass.

And drums.

Must be about a lot of food.

That’s what I was thinking.

This must be another commercial for Chili’s Baby Back Ribs.

That’s what I was thinking.

Here’s it comes…..

“I want my baby back baby back baby back…..”

What the hell?

An Elvis song?


Elvis just rolled over in his grave.

On top of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Is this what we’ve sunk to?

“Viva Viagra”?

What’s next?

“She’s got it. Yeah baby she’s got it. I’m your “penis”. I’m your fire. At your desire.”

What the hell. Why not?

I’m so sick and tired of all the Levitra, Viagra and Cialis commercials.

Haven’t we heard enough about how to give old guys an erection?

Now we have to sing it?

It isn’t any better on the radio either. XM Radio is the worst. I’m not sure they have any commercials that aren’t for products to give men erections.

But now we have a new term for it.

“Spontaneous male enhancement.”



That’s a boner.

It’s XM radio you’re supposed to be able to say anything you want. I heard them swearing on XM Radio.

You can’t say boner?

There’s one product where this semi comatose woman’s voice comes on and says….

“Hi I’m Stephanie. Would you like to have spontaneous male enhancement in three to five seconds?”

I think it would sound a hell of a lot better if she asked if you’d like a boner in three to five seconds.

And think about that, three to five seconds? Three to five? Well then that isn’t really spontaneous now is it?

If I want spontaneous male enhancement all my wife has to do is tell me she’s skipping a Nordstrom Sale.

Trust me I’ll be enhanced in way less than three to five seconds.

Is that really an issue?

Are women all over the world clamoring for spontaneous male enhancement?

I always thought they wanted a little build up.

Aren’t we supposed to lie to them for a while? Fake sensitivity or pretend we’re listening?”

I’ve been married for thirty years I’ve never needed “spontaneous male enhancement”. I usually give myself five minutes or so at least. Maybe spend a little time finding the right television show on the bedroom TV. It’s tough to get “spontaneous male enhancement” to reruns of “Little House on the Prairie”.

I have a question.

All these ads targeting us middle aged guys…..


Who’s @$%*ing us?????


I’d like to know.

Because in my opinion before you take any of that crap you might want to…. oh I don’t know… HAVE A DATE!!!!

So where are all the women that are looking for old guys to have sex with?

Because I don’t need a pill that will give me spontaneous male enhancement.

I need a pill that will make a woman want to see my penis is the first place.

Where can I find that pill?

And here’s something else.

I’m a fifty year old, over weight, balding Italian man with two grown kids and three grandkids that’s been married for thirty years in a row.

And I drive a Cadillac.

Maybe I’ve #$*^ed enough!!!

Maybe I need a pill that will keep my wife’s hands off my remote.

Maybe I need a pill that will give me more of the closet space.

Maybe I need a pill that will keep my mind from wandering every time she tells me about her day.


How about “spontaneous listening enhancement” in three to five seconds? That’s what my wife wants.