Tuesday, June 09, 2009

It's been too long so here's a brief moment of inspiration.

I believe it was Cher or possibly John McCain that sung, “If I could turn back time, If I could find a way…..”

Well you can’t.

Yesterday I found myself saying the following: “I’m going to get myself in the best shape of my life….”


The answer.

The Food Network.

I saw something yesterday that I could have only dreamed of.

It was on the Food Network Challenge. The episode was called “Super Heroes”.

There was this sandwich.

She was so beautiful.

A spaghetti and meatball sandwich.

Oh God.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you see a great work of art and you actually get emotional?

I wept.

Spaghetti and meatballs inside bread.

Say it with me people!!!!

Let me hear Amen!!!!

And the Lord looked down from the heavens and on the eighth day, the least talked about day, he created the spaghetti and meatball sandwich!!!

And it was good.

And all the angels in heaven said in one great voice, “Fuggetaboutit!”

And then he turned to Adam and Eve and said, “How U doin? Hey, why would you want to eat a friggin apple when I got youse a sandwich like this?”

But Eve turned out to be a liberal vegetarian and ruined the whole thing. And that’s when god created the calorie and the rice cake and ruined everything that tastes good.

And yes that is the story I will probably tell my grandchildren.

So I did the math.

One spaghetti and meatball sandwich is all the calories I can have for four days.

Communist bastards!!!!

My skinny wife says to me, “You know if you exercised more you could eat things like that every once in a while.”


If I exercised more?

I’d have to build the Great Wall of China on my own with nothing but a tablespoon and duct tape to burn off enough calories to eat a spaghetti and meatball sandwich!!!!!

Every once in a while?

Skinny people really have no clue. They do not understand food. They think food is just for sustenance.


These are the same people that want to go “green”.

That’s when I uttered the following, “I’m going to get myself in the best shape of my life so that I can eat all the spaghetti and meatball sandwiches I want!”

What was I thinking?

Then I realized if I ate all the spaghetti and meatball sandwiches that I “want”, I couldn’t possibly be in the best shape of my life.

This posed what we food scientists call a “conundrum”.

But using my superior intellect it dawned on me that I was already not in the best shape of my life. So technically if I’m already not in the best shape of my life then eating all the sandwiches I want couldn’t hurt.

Do you follow me?

Here’s how I explained this to my wife.

“Ask yourself the following question: Am I in Moscow?”

“Of course I’m not in Moscow.”

“If you’re not in Moscow you must be “somewhere else”.


“If you’re “somewhere else” you can’t be “here”.”


If you’re not “here” then you must be “somewhere else”.

“You’re an idiot.”

So if you’re “somewhere else” you can’t be eating a spaghetti and meatball sandwich with me “here”.

“How does that pea sized brain of yours come up with this stuff?”

“Stay with me babe. So if you’re not “here”, and I’m with you, then I must be “somewhere else”, so I’m not “here” either. So I can’t possibly be eating a spaghetti and meatball sandwich “here” so this could only be a dream and the calories wouldn’t count!!!’

“Just make the stupid sandwich.”

Thank god for a Catholic School education.