Monday, November 24, 2008

Wherever there is injustice.........

My good friend Paul, wrote a great post titled “The Trouble With Dreams” and it reminded me of the conversation I had with my wife this morning.

The alarm goes off, I give my wife a little nudge to wake her up, and she greets me with…..

“You have a huge carbon footprint.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your carbon footprint is too big.”

“I had Mexican food last night.”

“Idiot your carbon footprint!”

“I wear a 13 EEE of course my feet are big.”

“Not your feet, your carbon footprint.”

“What the hell did you dream about last night?”

“You need to reduce your carbon footprint.”

“Did I kick you in my sleep or something?”

“If you did you wouldn’t have woken up.”

“Why are you worried about my carbon footprint?”

“You use too many paper towels.”

“In my sleep?”

“No numb nuts. Yesterday when you made dinner you used too many paper towels. You went through two rolls of paper towels.”

“And this is an issue at 5:00am because……..?”

“Because your carbon footprint is too big.”

“Let me get this straight. Yesterday I used some paper towels and for some reason it bugged you enough to dream about my carbon footprint?”

“You went through two rolls!!!! How many rolls of paper towels are you going to use for Thanksgiving? You use too many paper towels!!!

“Really? Would you say I use a plethora of paper towels?”

“Look don’t start that Three Amigos crap with me. You use paper towels like they grow on trees.”

“They do.”


“Actually they do grow on trees. Paper towels are actually a renewable resource, as opposed to a synthetic cloth that might be made of finite petroleum resources.”

“Shut up.”

“Shut up? That’s all. Shut up?”

“Don’t piss me off Calabrese?”

“You started this. Do you even know what a carbon footprint is?”

“I know what a carbon footprint is.”

“Then tell me.”


“Well, you told me my carbon footprint is too big. And I just would like to know if you know what a carbon footprint is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has too big a carbon footprint, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a large carbon footprint.”

“Wait… That’s… You’re doing that stupid Three Amigos El Guapo thing again.”

“Forgive me, sweetheart I know that I, your husband, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?”

“Get out of bed!”

“Ouch!!! Jeeez woman what is your problem this morning?”

“Starting today you are going to be a more responsible eco friendly human. You Calabrese are going to reduce your carbon footprint.”

“All this over two stupid rolls of paper towels? This is nuts? What if I don’t want to reduce my carbon footprint? What if I feel like turning on every light in the house and every TV and every radio? What if I want to stand in front of the open refrigerator door naked to cool off? This is America!!! I still have a few rights! Maybe I’ll just go to the garage start my car and gun the engine all damn day!!!! What are you gonna do about it? Cover me in solar panels?”

“Are you done yet?”

“Our forefathers fought to leave the lights on! When Paul Revere warned us that the British were coming he used a lamp that burned oil!!! Well what if he didn’t have that lamp? We’d all be driving on the wrong side of the road!!!! Carbon footprint my butt!!!” That whole carbon footprint thing is just stupid. The human race is a pimple on the earths butt. You know what? In the end we’re all going to be one big carbon footprint. 50 million years from now some TV show on the Discovery Channel will host the dig for the remains of our carbon footprint. Well you can take my carbon footprint and shove it where the sun don’t shine. You can’t stick a solar panel up there! I tell you what when I’m dead plant a tree on my grave and use it to make paper towels!!!!”

“Now are you done?”


“We… that’s right “we”, are going to make every effort to reduce our carbon footprint. Why? First we are going to set a good example for our grandchildren, second because we’ll actually save money and third because it’s the right thing to do.”

“That sucks.”

“Get over it. Did you hear Alex last night? Our six year old grandson wants to go green!”

“It’s not easy being green. What? Fine… I’ll cut back to one roll of paper towels. But don’t blame me if you get salmonella on Thursday. Wait…. Now I get it. It’s about everybody coming to our house for Thanksgiving isn’t it?”

“Of course not!”

“Oh yes it is. Thanksgiving is your El Guapo.”

“My El Guapo? Okay Dusty Bottoms get this straight. You’re going to keep that kitchen clean and you’re going to use a normal amount of paper towels. We are going to have a Happy and green Thanksgiving. Do not embarrass me or I’ll kill you is that clear.”

“Yes Jefe.”

In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be “the actual” El Guapo!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!