Friday, October 31, 2008

It must be Election Fever....

“Hey Tone can you believe it? Japanese explorers have found proof of the “Abdominal” Snowman.”

“Abominable Snowman.”

“That’s what I said the Jap…..”

“You said Abdominal.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Well unless the Japanese found a huge hairy man beast that likes to work out at 24 Hour Fitness in Nepal I’m pretty sure it’s “abominable”.”

That was an actual conversation I had yesterday with an “intelligent” college educated friend of mine in his mid thirties.

I’m worried.

Maybe it’s just me but do people seem just a little more stupid than usual?

Here’s another example. Here’s an e-mail my wife sent me today:

“I called Dr. Roth this morning and he actually called me back! Gave me the name of a Dermatologist to go see called Dr. Mofid. First available appointment is Dec. 15th! Told the receptionist it was for an ongoing, current problem. She asked if I “anticipated” it lasting until December!!! Anticipated? Can you believe it? Stupid %$#&%#!” (I had to edit that last line.)

So what is it?

Global warming?

The fall out from No Child Left Behind?


Now for those of you that may be upset at me for that last line I believe it was Gandhi or possibly Emeril Lagasse that said, “Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.”

Come on we all know at least one child that needs to be left behind. I saw one yesterday screaming his head off in Vons. Trust me that kid needed to be left somewhere.

Stupid kid.

Maybe it’s the need for everyone to be winner. I blame the current financial crisis on recreational soccer, tee ball and self esteem. How do you learn from your mistakes if you aren’t allowed to fail?

So we just create stupid.

Or medical office receptionists that expect patients to predict the future.

Maybe it’s the election flu that’s making us stupid and we’ll all be cured after next week.

I think the election flu is really affecting me. I don’t have anyone to vote for. I’m a disgruntled Republican.

I guess I need to explain what a disgruntled Republican is. A disgruntled Republican is a fiscal conservative and a social moderate. I better give you an example. A disgruntled Republican doesn’t care if two gay people want to get married as long as gas is under $3 a gallon. Get gas under $2 a gallon and they can marry a donut. We don’t care.

Disgruntled Republicans look at Sarah Palin and say…. Well I can’t say what they say. But I can tell you this. I watched her speak last night. That was only the second time I ever touched myself while I was watching C-Span.


No one remembers Margaret Thatcher?

Have I gone too far?

I don’t care.

I sick and tired of all this election crap. All I have to say to both parties is be careful what you wish for. Who the hell would want to be president now?

See…. Another example of just plain stupid.

But my top example of stupid is… well… It’s me tearing my house apart trying to figure out where my wife hid 50 pounds of Halloween candy.

I know I’m not supposed to eat it I just want to know where it is. Just in case. What if Al-Qaida attacks and the food supply is wiped out? I’m going to need that candy.

Dammit I know it’s here somewhere.

“What are you doing Calabrese?”


“You’re going through my lingerie?”

“Um… I was just picking out something for our anniversary?”

“Really? So you’d thought you’d wear some of my lingerie for our anniversary that’s in June?”

“It wasn’t for me… I was… Uh… I like the red one…..”

“OH MY GOD!!!! You’re trying to find the Halloween Candy!!!!!!”

“No I wasn’t. I was worried about Radon poisoning and I was checking the levels in our bedroom and…. Never mind that’s too stupid an excuse even for me. I just want one of those little Nestle’s Crunch Bars. They’re so small and they seemed so lonely in the store.”

“Calabrese you are not going to get any candy!!! Period!!! You know you’re not supposed to eat candy so just get over it and have a carrot or an apple.”


“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You want to take my hard earned candy and just give it away. Share the candy. Did those kids earn that candy? I’m just supposed to take my candy and spread it among the people that don’t have candy is that it? Let me guess 95% of the people won’t have to give their candy away and I’m just in that lonely 5% that gets screwed is that it? Well let them go out and earn their own candy!!! This is America!!!”

“Uh huh…. You’re just pissed because McCain is behind in the polls.”

“This isn’t about politics this is about fairness. I earned that candy. What if I wasn’t there to earn that candy? Then what would those little costumed commies do?”

“They’d egg our house.”

“Oh really, with what eggs? The eggs from chickens that were kept in those cramped cages or the expensive eggs from those other chickens we’re supposed to be voting on?”

“You’re just a bitter Republican with no Nestle’s Crunch Bars.”



“Fine. But if Al-Qaida attacks and we starve it’s on your head.”

“I won’t starve.”


“I know where the candy is.”

“You’re such a Democrat.”

“You’re such a Republican.”

“Screw the candy. Want to order pizza?”

“Nope. You can’t have that either.”

“Obama eats pizza.”

“McCain eats vegetables. He needs the fiber.”

“This is just stupid.”

“Yep. Now have an apple and get out of my drawers.”

“I miss Ronald Reagan.”

“Ronald Reagan. Please…”

“He always had jelly beans.”