Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The secret to being married for thirty years is.......

These are two of my grandchildren. They're cousins. Angelina Isabella is almost two and John Anthony just turned two. Whenever they are together they “talk” and laugh and generally have a good time. We have no idea what they talk about or even what language. We think they're speaking Czechoslovakian, Greek or in some kind of code. So I believe that means my grandchildren are geniuses.

"What the hell are they talking about?"

“I think Angelina is a liberal."


"She said something about Obama.”

“She said mamma.”

“I think John wants the remote.”

"I think they're talking about dinner."

"Nahhhhhh....... They'd be arguing....."

“Well they seem to understand each other.”

“That’s because they’re not married.”

I consider myself a very fortunate man.

There are very few of us that can say they’ve been married to the same woman for thirty years.

In a row.

Since our anniversary in June I’ve had a lot of people comment on how amazing it is that we’ve been married for so long.

Why is that such a shock?

You see I don’t believe the grass is always greener on the other side. I figure grass is grass; you just have to constantly remember to mow and water it.

Which is why I don’t have a lawn.

I hate yard work.

I have rocks.

Rocks never have to be mowed. Rocks don’t need fertilizer. Rocks never go anywhere. Rocks are just rocks. You hose them off every once in a while to keep them clean and they’re good to go.

But they don’t go.

Because they’re rocks.

Which in a nutshell is why I’ve been married for thirty years.

I like rocks.

Some people say that my wife is a rock for putting up with me for thirty years.

Now I know a lot of people that have been married more than once. I know one poor guy that’s been married five times.


Why would you do that?

“Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part?”

“Well… kind of… what happens if she just wounds me?”

All his previous marriages ended in divorce.

Don’t you think at some point this guy needs to look in the mirror and say, “Is it me?”

And what kind of an idiot marries a guy that’s been married four times.

"Oh I know I’m the one, he says I’m his soul mate."

By the way he’s fifty four and his new wife is twenty seven.

Yeah…. That’s gonna last.

I could never do that.

Marry a woman in her twenties…

How in the hell do you listen to that music?

How in the hell does a guy in his fifties even talk to a woman in her twenties?

I’d have to hire an interpreter.

“She says you’re too old and you’re creeping her out.”

“Tell her I have money.”

I had one friend of mine tell me that my wife and I have been married for thirty years because we’re “comfortable” with each other.

Ya think?

Of course I’m comfortable.

What’s wrong with being comfortable?

They say the secret to being happy in life is comfortable shoes.

Maybe if you’re single, but trust me, the secret to being happy in life if you’re married is being comfortable with your wife.”

But this comfort thing didn’t come overnight.

I had to be trained.

Now I’m smart.

I’m like the farmers pet pig that only had three legs.

I’m too smart to eat all at once.

Even that pig was comfortable.

For a while.

But the real secret to being married for thirty years is communication.

It doesn't mean you have to understand what the hell your wife is talking about.

As long as you're communicating.

A typical conversation might go something like this:

“What do you want to watch?”

“I dunno. What to you wanna watch?”

“America’s top model.”

“I don’t wanna watch that.”

“Then go upstairs.”

“I’m hungy.”

“What do you wanna eat?”

“I don’t know. What do you want to eat?”

“I dunno… something.”

“Do want fast food?”

“I dunno.”

“Just get me something.”



“Okay I'll go to Wendy’s?”

“I don’t like Wendy’s”

“You said anything.”

“Anything but Wendy’s”

“How about Arby’s?”

“Anything but Wendy’s and Arby’s."


“Just get me a cheeseburger.”

“From where?”

“I don’t care.”

And that my friends is the secret.

In the end it all comes down to making her happy.

Even if it doesn't make any sense.