Monday, April 14, 2008

Here comes the Sun... City.

Sometimes you need a little spark to break your writers block.

My spark was Sun City California.

We went to visit my wife’s cousin who had just had a baby.

She’s forty years old.

I don’t think you’re allowed to have children in Sun City until you hit forty.

Forty is a teenager in Sun City.

The greeter at Wal-Mart is one hundred and thirty five years old.

Stop lights? No one even bothers. They go when they feel like going. And they go very slowly.

I could have gotten out of my car, opened my trunk, retrieved my bat and pummeled them to death before they would have moved any quicker.

We’re talking about a lot of really old people.

Why she lives in Sun City no one knows.

At first I thought she was in the witness protection program.

Then I thought well maybe she just likes to introduce herself to people over and over and over again.

That whole town thinks it’s always meeting someone new.

So maybe it made her feel special.

Plus you feel like you’re among royalty. On every street are estates. Of course these are mobile home estates.

I think Elvis started this.

I went in to the Walgreen’s there to buy an extra memory card for my camera. I don’t think I’ve seen a line that long since the last time I was at the DMV, although it smelled a little different, more like Eucalyptus.

A Koala Bear would have gone nuts.

I watched three women in their eighties or more arguing about the warning label and the “side effects” of a multivitamin.

Um…. Don’t you think you get to a certain age where warning labels and side effects aren’t that important?

If you’re 85 and want to start smoking I say go for it. If it kills you it kills you. So it knocks five years off your life. It’s the last five.

Live a little.

Some of these warnings and side effects just aren’t that important.

Does an eighty year old man really need to worry about the side effects of Viagra?

So he gets a four hour erection that has a blue tinge to it. Maybe it’s a good thing. Think about it. He looks down… there it is. He looks up… he forgets about it. He looks back down… Bada Bing! There it is again. He may not remember what it is but he’ll be damn proud of it.

And seriously, it only becomes a problem if grandpa wants to show everybody.

I know… I know. A lot of people are tired of Viagra jokes and comments. But heck half the commercials on TV ask me if I’m worried about E.D. and then they list those stupid side effects.

And what are the main side effects that stand out?

The blue tinge to your vision and the four hour erection.

I haven’t had a four hour erection with a blue tinge to it since I was fifteen so if that happened it might scare me a little, maybe for a moment, but I’m Italian, I’ll figure out some place to put it.

I don’t worry about E.D. anyway.

Hell at age 50 I think I’m a little to young for E.D. I’m also too old for A.D.D.

I think actually have “A.E.D”.

I can still get an erection, but I tend to get distracted.

“Is that pizza I smell?”

At least most of the stuff that has warning labels and side effects is “newer” stuff. Like new drugs or cosmetics or air bags.

When I was a kid my air bag was my face.

I figure I’m kind of safe. I don’t like new stuff. I like my old reliable stuff. My same old deodorant, cologne, cheese, wife, etc…..

For me life really is very simple.

You’d never see me arguing about the side effects of a multivitamin because… well… I would have to take one to worry about it.

How come there are no warnings about the side effects on the stuff that’s really important?

Like marriage.

Shouldn’t we have had some kind of warning about that?

Maybe a sticker or a tattoo?

“Surgeon General’s Warning: Marriage has been known to cause your entire collection of Playboy magazines that you have cherished since 1975 to be thrown into the trash without your knowledge. Your vision may be affected causing you to see things in your house that you are absolutely unable to identify. This includes children, small animals and your self esteem. You may lose your ability to find parking, drive correctly on the freeway or ask for directions. You may no longer be able to decide on what you want for dinner, what movie you want to see or what to wear. Married men have frequently been spotted wearing two different colored socks. You may be unable to drink black coffee and instead will insist on something that sounds like it should only be ordered in San Francisco. You will lose closet space and in some cases the entire closet. You will be unable to fold sheets or pillow cases correctly but find yourself determined to try. You may lose all independent thought finding yourself agreeing on things just so she’ll shut up while you’re watching The Office. In more sever cases you may even end up at an outlet mall during pro football season. You may no longer have the will to live but will be afraid to ask your wife’s permission to kill yourself because you don’t want to get in trouble. You may find yourself hearing about “her day”, unable to comprehend that she doesn’t want your opinion or solutions, she only wants you to listen. You may be unable to listen because you could care less about what she is saying and are afraid that in the end she may want your help in picking out drapes. You may end up grunting and nodding a lot. Prolonged exposure to marriage may cause you to completely forget what a vagina looks like.”

Hmmm… When she reads this I may have to move to Sun City.