Monday, January 21, 2008

You either order with us or against us......

“May I have your order?”

“Yes I’d like five pieces of grilled chicken and a pint of coleslaw.”

“You want a large or a small?”

“Umm…. A small or a large what?”


“I want a pint of coleslaw.”

“Do you want a large or a small pint?”

“Uh…. I want a pint. You know, 16 ounces of coleslaw.”

“We don’t have ounces. We have small and a large.”

“How big is the large?”

“Pretty big.”

“HOW BIG???”

“It’s large.”

(I knew at this point I may be talking to the future president of the United States.)

“Do you want something to drink with that?”

“Can you read my order back to me please?”

“You want five pieces of chicken and a small macaroni and cheese?”


“Let me get my shift manager.”

“What seems to be the problem?”

“No problem, I’d like five pieces of grilled chicken and a pint of coleslaw.”

"He told you we don’t have pints sir. We have a small and a large. Now you’re holding up the line sir. I suggest you order or leave.”

(Ahhh…. The future secretary of defense.)

“Okay I’ll leave, but let me ask you one more question. How many ounces in a pint?”

“What has that got to do with chicken sir? Do you want a pint of chicken?”

“I don’t want a pint of chicken. I want a pint of coleslaw

“We don’t have pints.”

“Okay let me educate you. There are 16 ounces in a pint. How many ounces in a large coleslaw?”

“I’m going to ask you again to leave sir.”

“HONK HONK HONK. Come on asshole order!”

(Great…. The future vice president is behind me.)

So I left. It wasn’t like I could eat the chicken or the coleslaw anyway. I’m sure they would have graced it with a little something extra for me.

I guess the older you get the more you embrace the “principle of the thing”.

Once you’ve had a colonoscopy you’ve pretty much reached that point in life where you’re opinions and thoughts are irrelevant.

Unless of course you’re married and then you’re opinions and thoughts become irrelevant on day two.

So you grasp at any little chance to prove a point or show the world that, “Hey! I’ve been around fifty years! I know stuff.”

And one of the things I now know is maybe… just maybe…. We need to leave the occasional child behind.

Comedian Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.”

But shouldn’t we at least try? Or are we destined to be a nation of illiterates placated by our Xboxes and Playstations and Bluetooths and iPods and and and and………

How can you not know what a “pint” is?

It’s not like the kid was brainwashed by the metric system.

Maybe I have finally turned into my father.

I wonder how many people in their twenties have actually read a book.

How many have read anything other than e-mail or a text message in the last five years?

“No Child Left Behind”?

Why not?

Fix stupid before it gets a chance to screw up your drive thru order.

A small or a large "pint"?

Ma please!