Thursday, August 09, 2007

Let them eat cake!!!

To some people there is nothing more terrifying than hearing the following:

“Potluck lunch on Friday! There’s a signup sheet in the kitchen.”

“Potluck” is an ancient Hebrew word that means “free food”.

Now there are certain unwritten rules regarding the Potluck lunch. These rules have been around since the first cavemen started to drink out of Styrofoam cups and seal their mammoth meat in Ziploc Freezer bags.

In order to help those of you that are unfamiliar with Potluck etiquette I have written down twenty of the more important “Potluck” rules:

Rule #1 - If you have even a hint of Filipino blood you will be expected to bring “lumpia”. It doesn’t matter if you have never caught and skinned a lumpia or if you have ever even seen one. Trust me. The entire office expects you to bring lumpia.

Rule #2 - The boss always buys or orders a main course. Think pizza, KFC or a three foot sandwich from “Sub Marina”. Someone will have to go pick it up for him.

Rule #3 - Fat people always bring the smallest portions. They didn’t mean to but they’ve eaten half of what they were going to bring before they left the house.

Rule #4 – Skinny people have no clue how much food to bring and invariably they bring a small vegetable tray with some stupid kind of fat free yogurt dip. Skinny people should be banned from potlucks

Rule #5 - There will always be something on the table that looks like some type of goulash and no one will know who brought it.

Rule #6 - At least one dish will have some type of “Top Ramen” in it.

Rule #7 - Males under the age of twenty five will sign up to bring soda. One liter of Coke and another of Sprite. That’s it.

Rule #8 - Women under the age of twenty five will bring their version of Mexican food… Tortilla Chips and guacamole. They’ll then sit around and complain about how they just don’t taste the same without a “Corona”.

Rule #9 - The oldest woman always brings something chocolate. Always.

Rule #10 - The newest person will try to impress everyone with something homemade. God knows what it is…… but it’s homemade.

Rule #11 – The person that has been there the longest will pretend what they brought is homemade. Everyone will comment on how it’s, “Just like they make it at the Olive Garden.”

Rule #12 - If you have Italians in your office they will wait until they see what everyone else brought, announce that there isn’t enough food, then go out and get enough food for three times the people in the office.

Rule #13 – Never eat the “authentic” Indian food the Mexican girl brought.

Rule #14 - Someone will try to pass off something they’ve burnt as Cajun.

Rule #15 - Someone will not bring anything, pretend they did, and eat a little of everything everyone else brought.

Rule #16 - Someone’s Tupperware will be missing at the end of the day. Everyone will think the oldest woman took it but they’ll never say it out loud.

Rule #17 - The young guy that brought the soda took the Tupperware. He needed a new cereal bowl.

Rule #18 – At the end of the day whoever had “kitchen duty” will be pissed off. This will be the person that doesn’t bring anything to the next potluck.

Rule #19 - Everyone will pretend they want the recipe for something. Especially the dish with the “Top Ramen” in it.

Rule #20 - Potlucks should always be on a Friday so people with food poisoning have the weekend to recover.

I’m sure there are a lot more rules. Feel free to add your own.