Tuesday, July 24, 2007

So now what?

So I’m 50.

I spent two weeks celebrating my 50th B-day.

Now it’s over.

The big “5” “0”.



Now what?

Seriously, I’m asking a question here.

What the hell do I do now?

Part of me thinks I should become a great philosopher and religious leader and impart my wisdom upon the world.

I would call myself “Fuddha” and my followers would be called “Foodists”. They would wear clothing made out of pasta and they would roam the countryside passing out pizza and marshmallows singings songs about veal sautéed in butter and white wine.

It would become the age of diet enlightenment.

Anyone associated with the word “exercise” would be stoned to death with hardened sourdough rolls.

FOOD News would become the new news channel and giving nothing but fair and balanced diet reporting by a renewed chubby Rush Limbaugh.

Oprah would become her fat jolly self again and lead scores of celebrities to the Foodist cause.

A monument to the “Twinkie” would be put up next to the Washington Monument and thousands would visit it every year leaving bags of peanut covered M & M’s for the poor.

A statue of the fat Elvis would be erected next to the Lincoln Memorial depicting him sitting on the toilet eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

And the world would be a happy place.


Too far on the Elvis thing?

Well I have to come up with something.

I know stuff now.

I have five decades worth of valuable info stored up in my head.

Things I’ve learned about communism and the meaning of the word hunger and how far I had to be driven on a sunny day to get to school and stuff.

I’ve learned that nodding and grunting every once in a while can make a woman think you care about whatever it is she thinks you heard long enough for you to get out of the room.

I’ve learned that my wife reads what I write so I’ll get punched for that last thing I learned.

I’ve learned to understand women, a little, and that even if I understand them it doesn’t matter. Understanding something doesn’t change it. It just makes it more frustrating to deal with until you finally lapse into a coma so your brain doesn’t explode.

Okay maybe not a coma.

It’s more of a nap.

I’ve learned that what you don’t know “can” hurt you.

Usually when you’re napping.

She’ll punch me for that one too.

While I’m awake.

I’ve learned that it’s important to have a good education and you can get a good education in places other than school.

I’ve learned that education is no substitute for good people skills and a baseball bat.

I’ve learned that no one earns a degree in asshole but it sure seems that way sometime.

I’ve learned that if there is a God he or she seems to love war, death, violence, country western music and sand. But not foreigners, especially the French or illegal Mexicans or infidels.

God hates the infidels.

Wasn’t that the name of a 70’s disco band?

“Sister Sledge and the Infidels.”

It had to be.

I remember the 70’s.

All the discos were filled with Arabs.

I’ve learned that everything that tastes good is bad for you until they find a way to screw up the taste and make it the “healthy alternative.”

I’ve learned that all politicians are corrupt and full of crap. Okay I didn’t really learn that. That’s what we call a “given”.

I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter whether you are on the far right or the far left you’ve already convinced yourself of your own bull shit and you’re never going to listen to the other side.

I’ve learned that no one is ever passionate about “common sense.”

I’ve learned you can’t win a land war in Asia.

Or an argument with a woman.

Especially women from Asia.

Or Portugal.

I’ve learned you love your children unconditionally until they learn how to drive, develop their own taste in music and want their own phone.

I’ve learned that spoiling your grandkids is great payback.

I’ve learned that no matter how skinny you get you’re still going to die.

Probably hungry.

I’ve learned that “what happens in Vegas” is only what your wife will let happen to you in Vegas once she takes your ATM and credit cards.

I’ve learned that rarely, if ever, does a plan no matter how well thought out, not need to be altered on the fly.

I’ve learned that being flexible can be painful.

Especially if you have bad hips.

I’ve learned a lot of other crap too but I’ve also learned that if you write too long a blog post no one is going to read it.

So I leave you with a question?

What have you learned?