Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Make love, not cheese.

I can put up with a lot.

I can deal with E-Coli scares.

I can survive salmonella.

I can handle a few fingers accidentally left in my Chili.

But for the love of god don’t turn my cheese into a weapon!!!

Have you heard about this?

Terrorists are smuggling blocks of cheese with wires and batteries and timers attached to them in their luggage.

At first I was really angry.

They’re trying to blow up our cheese!!!!

F@#*%*g communists!!!!

What’s happening to a world where there’s no respect for the cheese?

Then I thought…. Well… I’ve been a little bloated from too much cheese but I’ve never seen cheese blow up.

I don’t think cheese itself will actually burst into flame and shrapnel.

Although it does seem that way sometimes.

When you eat too much of it.

If you know what I mean.

I wonder what kind of cheese these terrorists were smuggling.

I don’t know any good Muslim cheeses.

Come to think of it I don’t know any Muslim cheeses.

I have a lot of cheese experience and I’ve never even heard of a Muslim cheese.

Especially one that explodes.

Then I thought that maybe our war on terror was finally working.

We have succeeded in cutting off the supply of actual explosives so now these people are making bombs out of cheese.

And people think George W. Bush isn’t doing a good job.

He’s got the evil doers resorting to incendiary cheese.

Cheese of mass destruction.

I can’t wait to see how many of the democrats say they never eat cheese.

Hillary eats cheese.

Look at those calves.

Trust me she eats a lot of cheese.

Has anyone checked to see if Dick Cheney owns a dairy?

Maybe it has something to do with methane.

Cows produce methane.

Methane is flammable.

Cows produce milk.

Cheese comes from milk.


Flammable cheese.

I did some long hard research on this, Wikopedia, and there’s a cheese in the Middle East called “Jibneh Arabieh”.

That even sounds like a terrorist’s name.

If a guy gets on a plane and his name happens to be “Jibneh Arabieh bin Laden” then we’re going to have a real problem.

I think the dairy industry is really going to be challenged here. I have this horrible feeling we’re going to see a press release promising the American public that U.S. made cheese does not explode.

In California we have the “Good cheese comes from happy cows.” ads all over the place. I can’t wait until the cows are dressed in full battle gear and a helmet and the ads say, “Good cheese, good old American cheese comes from good old American cows. Happy cows, tough cows, patriotic cows. God bless our cows.”

Actually I would have Clint Eastwood as “Dirty Cheddar” and his tag line would be,

“I know what you're thinking. "Did he eat six pieces of cheese or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being this is Vieux Boulogne, the stinkiest cheese in the world, eat too much of it and it will blow your asshole clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

“Go ahead, eat my cheese.”

Now that’s an ad.

But seriously folks our friends at the TSA released a bulletin alerting airport security officials to look out for terrorists practicing to carry explosive components onto aircraft.

One of those components was cheese. Blocks of cheese.

I found the quotes from the TSA officials a tad disturbing.

“The unusual nature and increase in number of these improvised items raise concern.”

Um… Are you kidding me? ONE block of cheese with wires and electrical crap attached to it is going to raise my concern!

“There is no credible, specific threat here,” TSA spokeswoman Ellen Howe said Tuesday. “Don’t panic. We do these things all the time.”

Huh? No credible specific threat? Don’t panic? They do these things all the time?

Anytime anyone from the government tells you not to panic bend over, stick your head between your knees and grab your ankles.

Who puts cheese in their luggage? I want to know the names of the people that put cheese in their luggage. Why don’t they publish the names? If there are a lot of people named Mohammed putting wired cheese in their luggage that’s a pretty specific threat in my book.

If the guys name is Pedro then I’m not that concerned. A guy named Pedro will never blow up himself or his cheese.

“During the past six months TSA has produced more than 90 unclassified bulletins of this nature on a wide variety of security-related subjects.”


Of this nature?

How much cheese are we talking about here?

If these are the unclassified ones what do the classified cheese warning bulletins have to say?

I want a congressional investigation! I want a senate committee on cheese weapons!

They could sit at a table that looks like a big cheese wheel.

We could serve a good cheddar or a gouda or a .......

Cheese in the luggage.......


What's next?

Exploding hams?

I'm just waiting for airport security to ask me, "Has your cheese ever left your sight? Are you carrying any cheese from other people? Did you pack your own cheese?"