Thursday, July 05, 2007

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a fishing rod?

I’ve seen all kinds of stupid in my life.

All kinds.

But there is something that I just saw that now cracks the top ten.

The “FishPen.”

“The Coleman FishPen is the amazing fishing pole that lets you fish anytime.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to Sea World and thought, “Damn, if I only had a fishing pole on me right now.”

This is hillbilly stupid. I would love to interview someone from Coleman about the “FishPen”.

“So it’s a pen that is also a fishing pole?”

“Um… No… It’s not a pen. You can’t write with it. It just looks like a pen.”

“So you keep it in your pocket and people think it’s just a pen but you can whip it out in a moments notice to get into the hot fishing action?”

“Um… No…You have to attach the reel.”

“Does the reel look like a pen?”

“Um… No… It looks like a reel.”

“So all you have in your pocket is a fishing pole?”

“Well the reel is small enough to fit in a pocket too.”

“So my friends might walk up to me and say, “Hey Tony is that the reel of a FishPen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“I suppose.”

“What about the hooks and line and lures and stuff?”

“There in the handy FishPen carrying case.”

There’s a carrying case for the FishPen?”

“Yes it comes with it’s own case for the FishPen, the Reel, the lures and line and hooks and it fits in the glove box of your car.”

“Then why would you put the FishPen pole in your pocket?”

“Um… Well… See… it telescopes out into a pole. You just reach in to your pocket and in one motion you can flick and whip it into a pole… It’s in your pocket… A pole… It collapses… Into a pen… “

“A pen that doesn’t actually write.”

“No... but it looks like a pen.”

Why are they marketing this as a fishing pole?

I have a better idea.

“Parents, teachers, disgruntled office workers, have you ever had a moment where you wished you had a pole to whip someone with?”

“Now you can with the amazing WhipPen!!!”

“It looks like a harmless pen but in an instant transforms into a notched pole to keep children or non English speaking office workers at bay!!!”

"But wait! There's more!"

“Duct tape an actual pen to the WhipPen and your WhipPen transforms into a real pen!!!”

“That’s right unlike some products that only claim to be a pen this pen actually writes!!! Write hostage demands, hold up notes, suicide notes, grocery lists and more!!!”

“But wait! There’s more!”

“The amazing WhipPen can also be used to get out of boring business meetings or conversations with women. Just pretend you want to take notes and then complain you’re “pen” is out of ink you need to go get another one. Then don’t come back!!!”

“But wait! There’s more!”

"The amazing WhipPen can also be used as a fishing rod!!! That's right! How many times have you been to an aquarium and thought, "What a waste, those rare tropical fish look awfully tasty"?

"Well drool no longer! We'll included the "Pocket Rocket" vibrating fishing reel with every WhipPen!!! It even comes in it's own intimate carrying case!!!"

"Women love it!!!"

"But wait! There's more!"

“How much would you expect to pay for the amazing WhipPen? $399.99? Well you won’t pay $399.99, you won’t pay $299.99 and you won’t pay $199.99!!! You can have the amazing WhipPen at the TV special price of $99.99!!!

“But wait! There’s more!”

“Buy one WhipPen and we’ll send you two additional WhipPens absolutely free, just pay $85 for shipping and handling, that’s a $200 value absolutely free!!!”

“Now the whole family can enjoy the amazing WhipPen!!! Whip the family dog, the neighbors dog, you can even whip your neighbor!!!”

“The amazing WhipPen! Spoil the rod, spare everyone!!!”

Where’s Ron Popeil when we need him?