Thursday, July 26, 2007

Friends I will remember you... think of you... EAT with you.

Have you heard?

A Harvard study just released links obesity to friends.

Apparently just by hanging out with fat people you can become fat.

And I thought people only looked like their dogs.

So what they are saying is that these diet programs where you have to go to a meeting with other fat people are in fact contributing to their fatness?

And I always thought it was the complimentary nachos.

That may explain why every diet fails.

That also explains why over eaters anonymous isn’t… well… anonymous.

If you see are large gathering of fat people it’s either a potluck, a dieters meeting or the new release of a Rosie O’Donnell video.

I sense some of you feeling a little uneasy. You’re not comfortable with me talking about fat people.

It’s okay.

I’m fat.

I can talk about it.

It’s like how white people can’t make fun of black people but black people can make fun of white people.

I’m fat so I can make fun of fat people and skinny people.

But skinny people can’t make fun of fat people.

That would be wrong.

Especially if they make fun of fat black people.

This whole friends make you fat concept is very intriguing.

Usually friends just make you so drunk you go home with whatever fat person is left at the bar.

But this is way different.

I wonder now if these gangs of skinny girls that always have the one fat girl with them to make them feel better about themselves will worry about that fat girl “turning” them.

Guys don’t care about this study. You get a group of guys together and tell us that if we hang out with fat people we could gain weight we’ll take it as a personal challenge and order the pizza and beer.

This is one of those studies that just didn’t need to exist.

You can’t get fat hanging out with fat people.

There are no calories in hanging out.

You get fat by eating the crap that fat people eat.

I know.

I’ve done it.

But let’s face it. It’s more fun to hang out with fat people.

Fat people love to watch TV or go to the movies. They have pizza and popcorn and milk duds and slurpees and torpedo sandwiches and they drink beer and tequila.

Skinny people never have anything good to eat with them.

Skinny people make a meal out of a carrot and a stick.

Skinny people think a gourmet meal is something frozen with the word “cuisine” in the title.

Skinny people love to exercise.

Fat people love to relax.

Fat people end up dying.

Skinny people end up dying.

Skinny people don’t need as many people to carry their coffin.

Fat people shouldn’t be cremated because of the fire risks.

Most fat people have a great sense of humor.

Most skinny people look so tense they could swallow a lump of coal and a diamond would shoot out of their ass.

Am I wrong?

Take a skinny person to an Italian restaurant and they’ll go into convulsions trying to figure out what they can eat.

Fat people just order.

A lot.

Fat people tip big. They want the waiters or waitresses to remember them. They hope that next time they'll bring them extra food.

Skinny people don’t eat out enough to know how to tip.

Fat people look good at the wheel of an RV at the stadium eating hot dogs.

Skinny people think they look good driving minivans with a cup from Starbucks on the dashboard.

Skinny people go to the beach and get sand in their cracks.

Fat people watch reruns of Baywatch and get Doritos in their cracks.

When a fat person says he’s making a “run” to the store it means he’s out of peanut butter.

When a skinny person says he’s making a “run” to the store…

He’s actually running to the store.

So with all these proven differences that I’ve pointed out it’s pretty obvious to me that those researchers from Harvard were smoking crack.

People are fat because they eat too much.

People are skinny because they want to get laid.

If you’re fat you can’t get skinny hanging out with skinny people.

All you get is hungry.

If you’re skinny you can’t get fat hanging out with fat people.

All you get is whatever is left after the fat people eat.

So save your research dollars and buy a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake and feed a homeless skinny person.

Better yet go down to the airport and get some free terrorist cheese.