Monday, July 02, 2007

Everything changes....

I miss godless communism.

There was much less tension in the world when all we had to worry about was nuclear holocaust.

I miss the days when you talked about Iraq everyone thought you were talking about some new type of Chevy Camaro.

Do you remember when you only drank water when you were thirsty?

Don’t you miss the days when the only “pods” you heard about were in the movie, “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”

Remember when the only time you were buying something “online” was because you were standing in one at Sears? (A Sears with more than one checkout counter.)

Remember when a “Global Positioning System” was your recliner?

So I got a new car.

I made the mistake of telling people I was going to get a new car.

So I was bombarded by people telling to me to get a Mercedes or a BMW.

I couldn’t do it.

Those cars are German.

I’m Italian.

In my mind if I got a German car it would always be trying to get even with me for us switching sides in WWII.

I’m not buying anything German unless it’s hotdog at Wienerschnitzel.

Then they started in on me about buying a Lexus, Infiniti, Acura, even a Volvo.

A Volvo?

How can anybody buy a car that sounds like another one of those secret body parts on women that a man can never find?

I've been married for twenty nine years.

I’m used to driving an automatic.

How do you take that for a test drive?

So I just went with another good old fashioned Cadillac.

I know, I know…. boring.

I like my Cadillac.

It’s got a nice trunk.

The salesman at the Cadillac dealer wanted to sell me an STS with a GPS, Global Positioning System.

Now someone tell me why I need a “Global Positioning System” in my Cadillac?

If I want to know where I’m going, trust me, my wife will tell me.

Apparently salesmen get some kind of special award, like 72 virgins, for selling you a Cadillac with GPS.

This guy wasn’t giving up.

“I don’t need GPS I have OnStar.”

“OnStar doesn’t have a map.”

“I don’t need a map, OnStar talks to me.”

“GPS talks to you and has a map.”

“What kind of voice does GPS have?”

“What kind of voice?”

“Yes, what kind of voice? Is it a calming voice, a nagging voice or a bitchy voice? I don’t want something that sounds like Hillary Clinton.”

“It's kind of a sexy voice.”

“I’m used to the OnStar voice. She kind of reminds me of my mom without the accent. Any moment I think she’ll say, “What did you have for lunch today Anthony? A cigarette? A peck of cigarettes?”

(You have to know my mom, she couldn’t say anything that ended with “ack” it always sounded like “eck”. She also could say anything that ended in “eets” it always sounded like “its”. I loved when she announced she was going to change the “Sheets”.)

“You want a car that sounds like your mother?”

“Yes it’s very comforting.”

“Wouldn’t you like a younger sexier voice?”

“Umm…. It’s a Cadillac. Most people, when they see a Cadillac, think, “I wonder who he’s got in the trunk?”

“Not today Mr. Calabrese. Cadillac’s are very sexy. Very hip.”

“Very hip? Who says that anymore? Very hip? It’s a Cadillac. It’s not like I’d be driving a Volvo.”

“A Volvo?”

“Never mind.”

So no GPS, I have basically the same car I had before with one major difference.”

“OnStar ready.”

“Who are you?”

“OnStar ready.”

“You not my mom’s voice.”

“You can say store, delete, dial, call…. OnStar ready.”

“Crap. You sound like my eighth grade teacher, Sister Ursula.”

“Shut up and drive Mr. Calabrese or you’ll be cleaning the blackboards in detention for a week.”


“OnStar ready.”

I should have gotten a Volvo.