Thursday, June 21, 2007

Jurassic Breakfast

“Did you see this? It says that the dinosaurs were probably hard of hearing. I wonder why they wanted to find that out? That’s kind of a weird thing to study don’t you think? Some kid in college, sitting in a basket weaving class, and it hits him. “I’m going to study dinosaur ears!!!” I think that’s really odd don’t you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The dinosaurs are deaf.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“No I’m not, it’s in the paper, look.”

“Calabrese what would lead you to believe that I would even be remotely interested in hearing about deaf dinosaurs at 5:30 in the morning?”

"It's science."


“I was just making conversation.”

“Look at this face. This is a 5:30am face. In 29 years of marriage has this face ever had a conversation at 5:30am?

“Apparently not.”

“Don’t make me kill you.”

“Is this that communication thing you women are always talking about? Cause if it is you suck at it……… That was just a joke… Small joke…. Little joke… Not even worth retaliating for.”

“You’re not going to shut up are you?”

“I just think it’s bizarre that this would be in the news. Is it supposed to add another extinction theory? Did they think there were “ninja” dinosaurs sneaking up on other dinosaurs because they couldn’t hear them? How does something that big sneak up on something anyway? And how do they know they were deaf? Maybe they just didn’t speak the same language. Maybe there were illegal alien dinosaurs that only spoke dinosaur Spanish. Maybe the whole dinosaur extinction happened because they couldn’t understand each other. Maybe there was an illegal alien dinosaur that tried to warn the other dinosaurs to “RUN” but it came out, “ANDALE ANDALE!!” and the other dinosaurs just look bewildered and then WHAMMO!!!... meteor. If they had only listened to the more liberal dinosaurs they would have all spoken English and Spanish and they might still be alive today. This article just doesn’t answer my questions. Why would they get us thinking about this and not answer all the potential questions? Huh? Well?”

“So you’re basically just trying to piss me off.”

“I’m not; I swear this really bugs me. Why is this in the paper? Is the knowledge of deaf dinosaurs going to cure cancer? Will it get the stem cell research bill passed? Will it get us out of Iraq? Will it help us select the next president? On that maybe it will. Most of them are deaf dinosaurs. Will it make me think of something other than Osama every time I hear Obama? Will it make Hillary look less bitchy and give her thinner calves? Will it help Mitt make up his mind on anything? Will it give any republican candidate some charisma? Will it lower gas prices? Will it help me lose weight? Will it keep them from canceling Studio 60? Will it help us find out who really killed Nicole Simpson? Will it make Bob Barker younger and Rosie O’Donnell straight? Will it free Paris Hilton? Why is this even in print?”

“Where’s my sword?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Okay Calabrese let me ask you a question. How come when I’m talking to you 90% of the time you don’t hear what I’m saying?”

“What? Just kidding? Come on babe I hear you.”

“So you hear me you just don’t listen to me. Because if you were listening to me you wouldn’t be talking right now at 5:30 in the MORNING!!!!”

“Uh… I don’t think the dinosaurs were deaf. They were probably just married.”