Monday, April 30, 2007

This guy is no Jedi......

We have a new clerk at the corner 7-11. He looks like he’s about fifty years old but he’s always outside smoking so he could be in his twenties.

He’s maybe five feet five inches tall and couldn’t weigh more than a buck forty soaking wet.

He loves to talk about working out at the gym and all the ladies that he dates.

Oh… and one other thing.

He lives in his van.

I didn’t realize that in 2007 that a 1990 Chevy Van was the happening place to go ladies. Heck if I’d have known that I would have…. well… never mind… my wife won’t let me get me get a van.

But the point is I had to ask him a few questions.

“So let me get this straight. You ask a woman out… What do you do? Pick her up in your house? I mean how exactly do you get a woman to get in that van?”

“Hey man chicks dig a van.”

“That van?”

“My van’s unique man, it’s alive, it’s got a soul. The rust says it’s been places. It’s seen the world. It has experience.”

“It’s an old van.”

“Trust me. I get the babes with that.”

(Now in my mind I’m thinking, a clerk from 7-11 wants me to “trust” him about getting babes. If I ever ended up single would I, in my wildest dreams, seek dating advice from a 7-11 clerk that lives in his van? Well? Would I? A very tiny voice way in the back of my head was saying to me, “What if this guy is the Yoda of 7-11 clerks that live in their vans?)

“Do these women know that van is your home?”


“What kind of a woman goes out with a 7-11 clerk who lives in a van?”

“Homeless chicks.”

“I… uh… homeless chicks. You cruise around looking for homeless women.”

“No man I’m not some kind of pervert. I meet them at the gym.”

“Homeless women work out?”

“No they just use the showers.”

“Well that’s a plus. How do you know that these women at the gym are homeless?”

“I can spot em.”

“They really stand out do they?”

“Like a Christmas Tree on the 4th of July in Montana.”


“And they get right into your van?”

“Yes siree sir.”

“I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time believing that any woman is going to get into a van with some guy they just met at the gym.”

“It’s a free meal man; trust me they hop right into it.”

(There he is with that “trust” thing again.”)

“So you have no problem at all getting women to “hop” into your van?”

“No man never… well… no… never.”

“You paused for a moment. So you do have a problem.”

“Well… it’s just…. well… sometimes I forget where I parked.”

You can’t make this stuff up.