Monday, April 23, 2007

I hate snakes.....

We’ve all gotten the e-mails asking if we want larger breasts and a bigger penis. I believe these are sent to us by the wife of the King of Nigeria. People have written and joked about these e-mails for years.

There’s really nothing new to say about this stuff right?

Well the e-mail I got this morning was a little different.

“Hey Tony, (they know my name) would you like to have an "Anaconda" in your pants?”

Um… Not particularly.

I saw the first “Anaconda” movie and I’m not sure that’s something my wife is actually looking for in a mate.

An anaconda?

Why not a sperm whale?

Wouldn’t that make more sense?

I’m not saying I want a sperm whale in my pants. The last thing I want is to be followed around by Norwegian whalers.

But an anaconda?

Why not a rattler?

At least it vibrates.

I know… I know… I’m getting close to the edge here.

But I’m just getting a little tired of all this bigger penis, bigger breasts sex stuff e-mails.

Does anyone actually buy this crap?

Is there some lonely guy out there thinking, “man, if my penis only had fangs….”?

And for the idiots that do buy this stuff….


Let’s assume for a moment that all this stuff actually works.

Has it dawned on any of these people that if you’re the type of guy that actually wants an anaconda in your pants you probably don’t have a…. um…oh what’s that word?


I have a friend that called me up all excited about “scoring” some Viagra.

That’s just sad.

It never dawned on him to get a GIRLFRIEND. What’s he gonna do with that thing? Build a birdhouse? Come on!!!

But forget the stupid spam mails for a moment.


Why? Why? Why?

Do I have to see a commercial on television for a “personal lubricant”?

I’m not talking about “Marvel Mystery Oil” or “WD-40” either, although in a pinch I’m sure both would do the trick.

It was bad enough to have to watch commercials about feminine needs. Those stupid commercials have it all wrong anyway. I’ve found what most women need is a higher credit card limit and chocolate.

It just amazes me that we have to be politically correct about so many things but “personal lubricant” (pardon the pun) slips by.

And who decides in what order television commercials get to air? Last night I saw, in order, an ad for Victoria’s Secret, then the personal lubricant commercial followed by and ad for a Hummer followed by an ad that showed a San Diego Padre hitting a “home run” telling us to watch the Padres on “Cox”.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Hat’s off to the programmer who thought of that line up.

Back to the e-mails.

Everyday I get the same stupid spam mails. Buy this penny stock, get a bigger penis, get bigger breasts and now one that asks if I want a pet in my pants.

I admit I do check to make sure that at least one of those is not forwarded to me from my wife.

I just want to get even somehow.

I wish I could spam them back.

“Would you like a bigger vagina?”

You never see that one.

You would think with all this technology we could come up with a way to just hit “reply” and a huge penis would just pop up on their screen and lock out their computer?

Now that’s technology!

We can put 20,000 songs into an iPod but we can’t get a big penis to pop up on a spammers computer screen?

Where are the scholarships to MIT for that?

What’s wrong with the education system in America?

“Huh? Where am I going with this?”

“I’m not sure. Who’s asking?”

“I’m the good voice in our head.”

“Why are you interrupting this post?”

“Well first of all we don’t usually talk about penises and breasts and I thought the line about wanting a bigger vagina was definitely over the edge. I mean it was funny, but I thought I needed to jump in and end this before you get us into trouble.”

“I’m perfectly capable of finishing my own blog post.”

“I’m not so sure. We hadn’t posted in a couple of weeks and then you bang our head and that’s what stimulates us to write something and then we follow up with this post? I think we may have a concussion.”

“What do you mean “you” bang our head? What if you’re the reason I banged our head?”

“Duh… Because I’m not real…”

“Look I just got fed up with this stupid spam I get everyday and I decided to write about it.”

“We get everyday.”


“We get everyday….WE. I’m in here too.”

“You just said you weren’t real.”

“Are we going to argue with an imaginary voice in our head or just end this post?”

“Well you interrupted me. What are you a “spam” voice? Just popping in announced whenever you feel like it?”

“Hellooooo…. Imaginary voice here.”

“Okay fine… Post ended.”