Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Cigarettes!!! Drink Fresh!!!!!

Next month, April 20th, I will have gone twenty years without a cigarette.

Twenty years….

Twenty years ago I was an inch taller.

Twenty years ago I had more hair.

Or less face.

Twenty years ago I weighed 165 pounds.

Soaking wet.

Okay so maybe it was closer to 185 pounds.

Then I quit smoking.

Cold turkey.

It’s appropriate they name quitting that way after food.

I gained a hundred pounds in a year.

I remember feeling like I could become a serial killer in that first thirty days after quitting. I would be the killer that did the world a favor by killing every person that asked, “Doesn’t food taste better now that you’ve quit?”

Apparently it does.

I used to smoke four packs of cigarettes and have two or more pots of coffee a day.

To help me relax.

I would smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink a pot of coffee before 10:00am every morning.

I was what scientists called, awake.

I had to quit drinking coffee at the same time I quit smoking because I couldn’t separate the two.

Oh I was a REAL joy to be around that first month.

I could have invaded Iraq by myself.

I remember after I quit smoking trying to take a drag off of something that wasn’t there.

In my mind I was holding a cigarette.

I would bring my hand up to my mouth to take a drag off my imaginary smoke only to take a hit of air.

I remember thinking, “So that’s what air tastes like. Huh… It’s a little dry.”

I was sitting here trying to remember why I quit smoking. I think it was because smoking kills.

But then I thought to myself, “Not everyone.”

We’ve all known that one old guy who lives to be ninety years old who smokes no filter cigarettes and drinks a couple of shots of Jack a day.

Maybe scientists need to focus less on what’s killing us and more on what’s keeping that guy alive!!!

At least he was skinny.

I’m not saying this because I want to start smoking again.

I’d much rather have shortness of breath because I’m fat than because I have emphysema.

I guess I started thinking about this because lately it seems like I’m seeing more and more young people smoking.

I see them all the time smoking outside the comedy clubs where I perform.

A scientific study conducted by me and three other comedians outside of the Comedy Palace in San Diego concluded the following:

75% of the smokers are women.

They’re drunk.

They think I’m Jon Lovitz.

They want me to buy them another drink.

They’re dressed like hookers.

They’re young enough to be my daughter.

It is not unusual for a breast or two to come flying out for no reason. A friend of mine almost lost an eye. Thank god he just suffered a mild concussion.

They speak in a unique language.

Here’s an example from Saturday night.

“F*&#^*#G AAAAAAAA!!!! Yuurrr funneeeeee. You…Yash…Youuuuu…..

“Well thank you.”

“Yoush….. I know yoush.”

“No I don’t think so.”

"Shhhhurrre…. Yurrrrrrr that guy… The eath fresssssshhhhhhhhhhh guy.”

“Jon Lovitz.”

“YASH!!! Yourrre that guy.”

“No I’m not Jon Lovitz.”



“Thas whut I shaid. You has mo… mo…. Money. Buy me a drinks.”

“I can’t. My wife won’t let me.”

”Pussshy. Thish guy ish a PUUUUSHHHY!!!”

“No I’m just not allowed to talk to women that are half my age. I could hurt myself and I don’t like your music.”

“ISSSAaaaac ish my boyfren. Will you talk to my boyfren?”

“Um…At the end of the show.”

“NO NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I neeeeds another shmoke. Give me a shmoke.”

“I don’t smoke.”

“PUUUSSHHHYYYY!!!!! Yurr sush a pussshy.”

“Um… you have burn marks from cigarettes all over your clothes. Maybe smoking isn’t your thing.”

“Issac likesh when I shmoke. He says ish makes me look older. Will you tell Issac what a catch I am? Tell him. Tell him I’mmmm pretty.”

“I’m sorry I can’t. That would make me a lesbian and possibly a democrat.”

“He lovesssshhh me.”



Ahhhh….. The sound of a dead drunk, smoke filled twenty something year old woman hitting the pavement.

At least her fake breasts broke her fall.

I did try to use my cat like reflexes to catch her. Put this Pusshhhhhy is getting a little older and a little slower.

So is it the alcohol that makes them smoke or the smoke that makes them drink? I can only go on my own experience.

I quit smoking cigarettes twenty years ago.

I quit drinking coffee twenty years ago.

I’m not crazy. I still drink tequila.

Maybe I should have my own slogan.

“Drink Freshhhhhhh!!!!!!”