Friday, March 02, 2007

And I'm Freeeee!!! Free Fallin!!!! Ouch!!!!

Now I have had my issues with gravity in the past but I had never fallen off the stage.

Until now.

In front of 250 people.

I knew when I went out on stage that it was unusually dark. I couldn’t see a soul. Not even the people in the front row. The spot light was soooo bright it was like standing in a tunnel six feet from an oncoming train.

I saw the mike stand and knew it was just few inches from the edge of the stage so I pulled the mike out and proceeded to talk to my invisible audience. I even joked with the people in the front row, that I couldn’t see, about having the dangerous seats and how dark it was and how they may have a big Italian guy in their laps shortly.

But I knew roughly where the edge was and stayed safely back.

When I finished my set I turned to leave the stage and….

Well here’s the thing.

I knew where the front of the stage was.

I didn’t know where the side of the stage was.

It’s a very weird feeling walking into air.


Exhilarating actually.


I thought to myself, “this must be what an angel feels like”, as I hovered ever so daintily over the crowd.


Then I heard Sly and the Family Stone in my head.

“I wanna take you higher…. Baby baby baby light my fire.”

“Boom Shaka laka laka boom.”

Using my cat like reflexes, I think it was on the second "laka", I reached back and grabbed the stage curtains.


At that point I heard a voice in my head say, “Dude, you don’t seriously think you can hold yourself up with just your left hand?”

Apparently not.

As the curtains slipped through my fingers I felt a sharp pain in my hand……where the straight pin, that had no business being in the curtains other than to make a falling fat guy miserable, had gone thru my fourth finger.

That’s right.

All the way thru.


Still attached to the curtains.


You see a three inch straight pin isn’t strong enough to hold the weight of a 250 pound falling Italian comedian.


Since I was now attached to the curtains I didn’t drop straight to the floor. I kind of swung out.

Almost like Tarzan.

Only fatter.

And without Cheetah.

When I hit the floor I landed on my left side.

A lot.

Ignoring the pain and humiliation I immediately sprang to my feet and shouted, “I’m okay.”

Then I tripped over a chair and fell again.

Which was followed by a standing ovation from my now adoring fans.

You can be bleeding out of your eyes but if you get a standing ovation you’re thinking, “MADE IT MA!!! TOP OF THE WORLD.”

When the bleeding stopped I limped out to the lobby to thank people for coming out to the show, which is something I always do, usually without the limp or compression bandages.

What was kind of funny to me was how some people thought that my fall was staged.

My favorite quote was from a guy that looked and sounded like Al Pacino in Scarface.

“Ju do dis ebery tine? Ju one crazy mudder#%$&*#.”

I just showed him my bandaged finger.

“Say hello to my little friend.”