Thursday, February 08, 2007

2007 A Girl Scout Cookie Odyssey

In 1900 the average life expectancy was 47.3 years.

Back in the 1900 all food was “natural”.

There were no “24” hour fitness centers.

No Pilates.

No Bow Flexes.

No Jenny Craig. Um…. Wait… how old is that woman? Okay maybe there was a Jenny Craig.

We ate bread, pasta, potatoes, beef, pork, chicken, gravy and occasionally a carrot.

And we were tough.

We walked through the snow, thirty miles, to get to school and we fought Indians and Amway salesmen the whole way there.

I’m talking real tough.

In 2007 the average life expectancy is 77.6 years.

But now, 55% of our population is obese.

The other 45% need a hug.

We’re fatter but we live longer?

How is that possible?

I believe we owe it to Girl Scout Cookies.

In December of 1917 the first Girl Scout Cookies were sold by two Girl Scouts sitting outside of a Vons store in Muskogee, Oklahoma extorting money from the town’s two fat people.

Thin Mints didn’t exist yet. All they had were plain old sugar cookies. But you know what they say, “You can lead a fat man to a buffet, but you can’t make him walk back home.”

Well those cookies were so damn good that it made those two fat people happy. Happy fat people live longer than fat people who are miserable because they think they need to eat fruit and lima beans for the rest of their lives.

In 1951 the “Chocolate Mint” cookie was introduced.

Guess what the average life expectancy was in 1951?

It had risen to 66.2 years.


Sometime during the next 25 years, a famous scientist, I believe it was Jonas Salk or possibly the late great Colonel Sanders, discovered the health benefits of Girl Scout Cookies and in 1978 convinced the Girl Scouts to rename the “Chocolate Mint” cookie the “Thin mint”.

And here we are in 2007, there are now five varieties of Girl Scout Cookies and no matter how fat and out of shape we are we can expect to live to the ripe old age of 77.6.

So I say thank you Girl Scouts of America for saving lives.

Thank you for creating young entrepreneurs.

Thank you for helping to create a strong base of tax paying citizens who mainly vote Republican.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

“Are you done Calabrese?”

“Yes. I think we should now all join in a rousing chorus of the song that Ethel Murman made famous. God Bless America.”

“You are not ordering Girl Scout Cookies. You’re on a diet.”

“You’re a communist.”

“Fine, order the cookies, but you have to have them sent to the troops. They cannot set foot in this house. Capiche Calabrese? Not one single Girl Scout Cookie in this house.”


“Or your car.”


“Or your office or outside your office or outside the house.”

“Come on babe one serving isn’t going to hurt me. Don’t be so negative. Think of the health benefits.”

“To you one serving is one “sleeve” of cookies.”

“What’s your point?”

“The point is those cookies are more addictive than a “Lays” potato chip. You can’t eat just one so don’t eat any.”

“I feel sad for you dear. Have you ever thought that eating a Girl Scout Cookie might be thought of as a religious experience? Don’t you believe in God? You’re not a communist and an atheist are you? Haven’t you just once looked at all the different kind of Girl Scout Cookies and asked yourself, what would Jesus eat?”

“You’re going to hell Calabrese.”

“I think he’d probably pick Tagalongs.”

“Have an apple.”

“Apples suck.”

“Then have a pear.”

“I don’t think our forefathers threw off the yoke of English tyranny by eating pears.”

“I’m done with this numb nuts. You want to eat a cookie? Have a cookie. Have ten cookies. Go ahead, order twenty boxes of them. It’s your weight and it’s your health. Go ahead, die young, you have insurance. Doesn’t bother me.”

“Are you trying psychology on me? You can’t try psychology on fat people. Not when we’re in the “zone”. I’m a Zen Foodist right now. I am one with my Thin Mints. I am eating them right now in my mind.”

“Well you can eat all the imaginary Thin Mints you want. Then worst case you get an imaginary fat ass. But I know you Calabrese, you’ll order those cookies, eat them, and then complain about how you shouldn’t have eaten those cookies and how guilty you feel and how fat you are and why did I let you eat them. Am I right?”


“So do us both a favor and have some carrots or something to kill your appetite so we don’t have to talk about those cookies!!!”

“Okay… fine… you’re right…”

“And for the record Jesus would have eaten the Samoas.”

“Well he would have eaten something other than a carrot stick that’s for damn sure.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I complete you.”