Monday, January 29, 2007

"I'll have a Peanut Butter and Turbo Jam on white."

Saturday my wife got “Turbo Jam” in the mail.

Turbo Jam is not something that goes into a peanut butter sandwich for kids with A.D.D.

It’s another one of these sadistic exercise programs that people with “Abs” do.

Every time my wife gets one of these programs she insists on hopping, jumping, skipping, punching, kicking and stretching herself into odd shapes in the living room in front of my big screen T.V.

Just once I’d like to see that in the bedroom.

Well maybe not the punching and kicking.

Jane Fonda started this crap.


Here’s the first thing you see when you open the box “Turbo Jam” comes in:

“Guaranteed to burn 700 calories in just 45 minutes, as seen on TV!”

The only way you’re going to burn 700 calories in 45 minutes watching TV is if you spontaneously combust.

So my wife, who takes Aikido, boxing and kickboxing now wants to “Turbo Jam.”

God help me.

I’m already afraid when she comes home and says, “Want me to show you what I learned today?”

Now she’s going to learn this stuff right in my living room. So help me god this thing better not come with a sword.

So while my wife was at work. I popped in the “Turbo Jam” DVD just to see how bad this was going to be.

What they should say is “Guaranteed to turn you into a cripple in well under 45 minutes.”

You never see that, “As seen on TV.”


Who the hell smiles when they exercise like that?

It’s not normal.

What kind of freak enjoys this?

Here’s a warning to all of you. Never try to do any kind of exercise workout where the DVD starts out with the caption, “Learn and Burn.”

And $50 bucks says the woman who is the trainer in this video was a cheerleader in high school.

Anyone that happy should be beaten to death with a large salami.

Now I will give my wife credit. At least she uses the crap she buys on TV.

I on the other hand have my “Turbo” food dehydrator, “Turbo” grill, “Turbo” Juicer, “Turbo” slicer, “Turbo” Can opener, “Turbo” ice scream scoop, “Turbo” deep fryer, “Turbo” hot dog toaster, “Turbo” pasta maker, “Turbo” blender, “Turbo” meat tenderizer, “Turbo” panini maker, “Turbo flip and grip, “Turbo” chopper, “Turbo magic knife, “Turbo” bread maker and… my “Turbo” S’mores wizard.

Put them all together and what have I made with them?

Apple chips.


“Tony, how come you only buy food related products?”

I didn’t always.

Once I bought something called an AB – DOer.

My ABs – Don’t.

This may have been the single dumbest piece of exercise equipment since the Body Blade.

The Body Blade was a stick.

A stick.

$99.95 for a stick.

You should hand the “Body Blade” to a friend and then have him smack you over the head for being stupid enough to buy the thing.

The AB-Doer is based on the same principal that makes the “Tea Cups” spin at Disneyland.

Only you get to look like an idiot and puke in the comfort of your own living room.

“As seen on TV.”

I bought an AB-Doer because they said it was tested at San Diego State University.

Proving once and for all that more alcohol and drugs are consumed at that school than at an Oakland Raiders game.

By the way the weight limit on virtually every piece of exercise equipment sold on TV is 250 pounds.

Which is the average weight of anyone that would actually watch exercise on TV.

I also bought a “Bow – Flex”. That thing could be used to hunt wild turkey on the “Outdoors” channel.

My wife caught me going through her “Turbo Jam” stuff.

“What are you doing with my “Turbo Jam”?

“Uh… I’m practicing “The Secret”.

“The what?”

“The Secret.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Like attracts like.”


“That’s “The Secret”. I saw it on TV. The Law of Attraction, like attracts like. You see all I have to do is think happy thoughts and I’ll be rich, thin and healthy. So if I watch your “Turbo Jam” and think to myself, “I’ve done that, I’ve Turbo Jammed” then I don’t have to actually “Turbo Jam” which means I won’t be tired sore and hurt myself.”


“Power of the mind baby, power of the mind.”

“Would you “mind” giving me back my “Turbo Jam” box?

“You need to relax more, meditate be one with the universe, you know, like Buddha.

“Buddha was fat.”

“Probably should have used a “Buddha Blade”.


“Never mind, just hand me the remote. I need to see what they’re selling on the knife show.”