Friday, January 26, 2007

50 cent and Trans Fat live and in concert!

They say “fifty” is the new “thirty”.

Who the hell are “they”?

Since I’m turning fifty this year I’m trying to embrace the whole “fifty” is the new “thirty” thing.

I don’t want to be thirty again. I make way more money now than I did when I was thirty. My kids are out of the house, I can play with my grandkids, spoil them rotten and just hand them back. And I’m finally figuring out when my wife says, “I put it away” where “away” actually is. I have my place at the table, my place on the couch, my side of the bed, by little portion of our bedroom closet.

I earned all that.

Why the hell would I want to be thirty?

A friend answered this question like this:

“Because Tony, they mean “physically” that being fifty today is more like what being thirty used be. It’s a whole lifestyle and attitude thing as well.”

Bull poo.

Fifty is fifty. I know that because I’m turning into my father. I’m starting to look like “Al” from “Happy Days.”

And if “physically” fifty is the new thirty, then there are a whole lot of twenty nine year olds that are screwed.

I’m really not worried about turning fifty because they’ve addressed the whole “Trans Fat” issue.

When I first heard about the evils of “Trans Fat” I thought they were talking about an Asian street gang or a Vietnamese rapper.

But no, it’s some evil kind of fat.

Crisco announced this week that they are eliminating “Trans Fat” from their products in order to make them healthier.

Um…. It’s Crisco. They sell fat. That’s what they do. They make fat.

Has anyone really ever thought that Crisco was good for us?

Is anyone rushing out to buy Crisco because now it’s healthier?
It’s FAT!!!!

And guess what?

It makes things taste good.

You can eat the worst food in the world. You could eat pickled eel face. Cover it in fat, it’s amazing.

But let’s face it everything that tastes good is bad for us and everything that’s healthy tastes like pickled eel face over sawdust.

How come they can’t make a vegetable that tastes and crunches like a chocolate chip cookie?

How come they can’t make spinach the same taste and texture of pizza?

Because you have to have fat. The fat is the flavor.

Deep fry a lima bean it would probably rock!!!

Now I’m not going to rush out and eat pork rinds or fatback. I’ve never even seen fatback…. well there was that one girl in high school… man that was a bad drunk….


Where was I?

Oh yeah…

Fast food restaurants are all voluntarily eliminating Trans Fat. Thank god. I was worried that a Jumbo Mac Western Char Burger with Cheesy Curly Fries might be bad for me.

But as long as the Trans Fat is gone….

Take a moment to think about that. One has to ask the question. How bad is this stuff?

When was the last time an American corporation of any kind voluntarily removed anything unhealthy from a product?

This stuff must be pure poison.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the cigarette companies were buying up the entire surplus of Trans Fat and soaking tobacco leaves in it.

I wonder if it’s flammable?

$50 bucks says we’re going to ship the stuff to some third world country to feed their starving millions.

We’ll ship them wheat and Trans Fat to fry it in.

Why do we always ship wheat?

Wouldn’t beef jerky be a better idea?

Well I have to go eat an apple now.


I wonder what a deep fried apple tastes like.