Saturday, October 28, 2006


It’s a girl!!!!

We have a new granddaughter.

Angelina Isabella Calabrese was born at 5:01am, October 27th 2006. 6 pounds, 2 ounces, 18 1/2 inches long. She's a keeper.

Why does it always sound like were describing a trout when we talk about newborns?

It’s been forty five years since a girl was born into the Calabrese family.

I don’t know why we’ve only made boys up to this point.

My wife says it’s because the man determines the sex of the baby and that we all have lazy sperm.

I wouldn’t call it lazy. It’s more of a let’s do the job and then take a nap feeling actually.

A baby girl.

I’ve ever seen my wife this excited in her life. I could hear my Visa card weeping in her purse.

The first thing that came to my mind was that my son doesn’t have enough closet space for two women in his house. And that he’s going to need a second phone line.

We finally have a girl in this family. It really hit me when I saw my son change her diaper last night.

She has a vagina.

We have a family of men that was always trying to get one of those. We only had boys up to now. Now we have to keep men away. We need to formulate a protect the vagina strategy. We need to start now.

“Look how cute she is honey. We have a granddaughter. What’s with the weird look on your face?”

“She... she... has a vagina.”

“No S%*& Sherlock. You just figured that out?”

“But... We need to do a something. There will be boys. They will want,,,”

“DAD!!! Not now!!! I have enough things going through my head without you....”

“Christ Calabrese!!! She’s not even a day old.”

“Okay okay... I’m sorry. It’s just... well... never mind.”

It dawned on me at this point that this wasn’t my problem. I could tell because my son now had the same horrified look on his face that I had just moments ago.

And then another thought hit me. At some point we were going to have to baby sit that little angel. She will need her diaper changed. I can’t be around for that.

Other than my wife’s and watching “Real Sex” on HBO that’s the only other vagina I’ve seen in over thirty years.

Well there is the occasional dirty e-mail that I will get from a friend or the time I accidentally ended up on an internet porn site when I was searching for information on raising goats to make mozzarella cheese.

But porn vaginas are more like stunt vaginas. Not like actual real vaginas.

While all these things were running through my head the voice of reason finally called out to me...

“Hey Poppa!!! I have a baby sister!!! Don’t touch her head Poppa only her feet. Her head is mushy so we can only touch her feet right now.”

“Hey little buddy give Poppa a hug. Now you’re going to be her protector right? You’re going to watch out for your little sister right?”

“If she ever stops crying, she’s been here for like five minutes and all she does is cry. I can’t take this crying all the time Poppa. She gives me a headache.”

“Well women do that. But she’s still your little sister and you’re going to need to watch out for her.”

“Fine but she needs to be quiet once in a while. She should be happy she’s cute.”

“Yes... well... she’s very cute but she’s just a little baby, and she was just born, so she’s going to cry a little bit.”

“Well when she gets big like me she needs to stop that. Look at her Poppa she’s so tiny but she makes so much noise.”

At this point my oldest son and his wife and five month old son arrived and I had all my kids and grandkids together for the first time.

I thought of my mom and dad and wished they could have been around to see this.

They would have been so proud.

And to think it all started out because of my lazy sperm.