Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Cover that up!!!!

Maybe it’s because I have a granddaughter now but I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among young women.

I think it may be a new type of disease.

I call it “A.F.S.”

Attention Fat Syndrome.

I don’t think you can manage this with Ritalin.

Now I know some people are going to get upset with me for pointing this out. They’ll say you’re no waif yourself Tone how can you pick on fat girls?

Well first of all you would never see me in a tube top.

Second, I don’t own a single pair of pants that make me look like I have two butt cracks.

Third, if I wore a dress, and that would take huge amounts of tequila, I wouldn’t wear one that is three sizes too small and makes me look like pregnant trailer trash.

Fourth, I’m not picking on fat girls.

I don’t care if anyone is fat. I really don’t. I’m fat. I love fat people. Fat people are some of the happiest people on earth. When was the last time a fat president invaded anyone? When was the last time a fat person stole your purse? When was the last time a group of fat people shut down the freeway to run a marathon?

There was a rumor that Walt Disney, before he died, was thinking of opening a “Fat Land” right off of Main Street. There was talk of a huge buffet ride. I would have loved that ride.

Being fat is fine.

But if you’re fat don’t dress like a five dollar crack whore. No one’s going to believe it anyway because crack whores are usually skinny.

At least that’s what I’ve been told. I don’t actually know a five dollar crack whore but I’m told they look a lot like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies or a San Diego city councilwoman.

And I’m not saying you have to exercise, diet, or get in shape or any of that crap either.

Exercise all you want.

You’re still going to die.

Trust me.

No, what I’m talking about is this need to expose rolls of fat over jeans that are three sizes too small.

What the hell is going on?

They obviously want to draw attention...To their fat.

It’s A.F.S., Attention Fat Syndrome.

And I’m not condoning the skinny girls doing this either. You’ve seen them. With their thong popping out of the back of their low riser pants to form an upside down peace symbol below the tramp stamp tattoo they’ve got right above their butt.

We don’t need to see that.

But what’s worse is when fat girls wear those pants, you can’t see the thong!

Do they really think that’s attractive?

It’s got to be some type of illness. It’s A.F.S.

I did a comedy show the other night where a group of young women that worked for, (rhymes with Denny Draig), showed up looking like hookers.

Fat hookers, with boobs and fat and butts and fat and legs and fat popping out of outfits that were way too small. Maybe they thought the high heels they were wearing would offset the fat.

I know they worked for “Denny Draig” because they were shouting it out of a drunken stupor all night long.

I give them credit. They were all wearing black. Black is supposed to make you look slimmer. BUT ONLY WHEN IT’S COVERING EVERYTHING UP!!!!!

If you work for a diet company you might want to, oh I don’t know, try out the diet!!!!

But if you don’t, under no circumstances should you show the world your stretch marks.

It’s not like its art!!!

It will never be art!!!

Cover that up!!!

The only time you should show your stretch marks is if for some reason they have formed the image of the Virgin Mary.

Even then that’s an image I prefer in food.

I was complaining about this to one person who said, “It’s just a fad. Like when you grew your hair long in the 60’s it’s just a fashion statement."

If it’s some type of fashion statement then what the hell is it trying to say?

Harpoon me?

It’s A.F.S. ladies and gentlemen and it’s just as real as A.D.D.

My wife and I went to a wedding the other day where some of the young female guests wore dresses so tight it looked like they were smuggling in illegal aliens.

I believe in the universal law that states, “A woman should never, never, never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never ever wear a dress that makes her look like she has pubic fat.”



Too far?

I’m beginning to think the Muslims may be right.

Cover that up!!!

Hey I’m all for “you” being comfortable with your body. But that doesn’t mean that “we” have to be comfortable with your body.

The only exception to all of this is the beach. If you want to expose large amounts of fat to sunlight then you go right ahead. Personally I don’t go to the beach because of the risk of spontaneous combustion and I don’t want to blind surfers when they’re coming in near the pier.

We have no right to complain about anyone fat at the beach. You’re supposed to show skin at the beach whether it’s fat skin or skinny skin. So if we choose to go to the beach then we accept the fact that there will be fat flowing free, whether it’s our fat or someone else’s.

It’s like doing your grocery shopping during the daytime Monday through Friday. If you’re going to do it then you have to expect old people clogging up the aisles staring at food that doesn’t contain fiber and using the wrong coupons. You brought it on yourself so shut the hell up and deal with it.

But if you are fat and you’re at the beach don’t be too upset when the Sierra Club tries to roll you back into the water screaming “KEEP HIM OUT OF THE KELP!!!! KEEP HIM OUT OF THE KELP!!!”

But other than the beach there’s just no excuse.

It’s like these young people just don’t give a damn. They don’t care how they look or what anyone thinks of them.

Part of me says, “Good for you, never conform or worry about what other people think.”

The other part of me says, “Good for you, now put on this parka.”

I’m starting a nonprofit called the A.F.S. Foundation. We’ll be accepting donations of cash, plus size clothing and gift certificates for meals at “Denny Draig.”

If that doesn’t work I’ll convert to Islam.