Monday, September 25, 2006

I'm strong to the finish...but I don't eat spinach...

There are now 173 confirmed cases of e-coli poisoning from spinach.

I’m not shocked that spinach caused the poisoning.

I’m shocked that they found 173 people that actually eat that crap.

Have you ever seen what happens to a baby’s diaper when you’ve forced it to eat spinach?

It’s not natural.

If god had meant us to eat spinach he wouldn’t have named it after something that sounds like a character from Lord of the Rings.

First of all you don’t eat spinach raw. Everyone knows that spinach is supposed to come out of a can. Secondly it should only be eaten by nearsighted sailors. And last but not least it tastes like crap and has the consistency when cooked of… well… snot.

Popeye never had e-coli.

He had Olive Oyl.

When I was a kid there was no such thing as e-coli. There was no such thing as a-coli, b-coli, c-coli or d-coli either. There were no coli’s.

We never knew the meaning of the word hunger. We ate dirt and walked thirty miles in the snow to get it and we were grateful for it. Because we were tough, damn tough and we didn’t wear helmets when we ate it.

And we survived.

And beat those commie bastards.

The Berlin Wall fell and I never ate raw spinach.

The only thing that we ate in a salad was good old fashioned “head of lettuce”.

As a kid I wondered where the rest of the lettuce’s body was but I let it go.

I never asked.

I figured it was just business.

I’m Italian.

There were no thorns in my salad. No mandarin orange slices. No slivered almonds. It was just lettuce. Good old fashioned head of lettuce. Not endive or escarole or any of that other crap.

But somewhere some hippie determined that any green weed was supposed to be a salad.

Well you can’t put Bob’s Big Boy Blue Cheese Dressing on escarole. It’s just not right.

I won’t do it.

Not this American.

This is one American that won’t get e-coli or f-coli either.

You won’t see me walking around Vons wearing a helmet and spandex bicycle pants with an iPod hooked to my brain munching anything raw out of a bag while I window shop down the ice cream aisle with a shopping cart that has a rainbow sticker on it.

Not me.

Ronald Reagan never ate raw spinach.

George H. Bush never ate raw spinach or broccoli.

George W. Bush can’t even pronounce spinach.

I believe it was George W. Bush or possibly “The Who” that said:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee… I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee… that says, feed me spinach once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me…………you can't get fooled again."

What if this whole thing is an Al-Queda plot? Did anyone think of that? Is anyone checking to make sure they’re not smuggling spinach on board airplanes?

Ask yourself this question. How come only the spinach got e-coli?

Uh huh…

Think about it.

You didn’t see good old head of lettuce getting e-coli did you?

It came out of the same dirt.

Any carrots with e-coli?


I think not.

The terrorists struck again Mr. & Mrs. America.

Be vigilant.

Eat meat...

Or pizza...

You know...

You never hear about a deep fried “Twinkie” spreading e-coli......