Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Vince Lombardi...Pray for us...

“Tony, did you mail the bills? Where’s the candle holder that was on the table?”

“Um… I mailed them “lasterday”.


“I mailed them “lasterday”.

“Lasterday? What the hell is lasterday.”

“It’s the last thing you did yesterday.”

“That’s just stupid.”

“No it’s not. It makes perfect sense.”

“Uh huh… Where did you hear that?”

“Um… It’s in the Constitution.”

“Lasterday is in the Constitution of the United States of America?”

“Yes I believe so.”

“You’re so full of crap Calabrese.”

“It might have been in the Gettysburg Address. I know one of those guys said it. It was either Lincoln or Linkletter.”


“You know, Art Linkletter, helloooo, one of the founding fathers of this nation.”

“Knock it of Calabrese.”

“May be it was Gandhi. Yes I think it was the last thing he said to the British before he threw the tea into the Bay of Bengal.”


“The Bengal Tea Party. Gandhi stole that from us just before he moved his team to Cincinnati. It’s on the History Channel.”

“Okay what did you do?”

“What do you mean? I’m trying to educate you and you assume I’m full of crap. Well open your mind woman there’s more to the world than shopping and makeup.”

“You’re making all this stuff up to get out of something. I just haven’t figured it out yet.”


“Ja what?”

“You are accusing me without evidence. This is America where a man is innocent as long as he can afford a good attorney. How dare you! I’m shocked and insulted. How long have we been married? Twenty eight years? And yet you still lower yourself to this level. I thought I knew you better but nooooooo……..”

“The candleholder… That’s it. Where is my crystal candleholder?”

“Okay first of all there is no real proof that it was crystal. Crystal, cheap glass, it all pretty much looks the same. Second, this is a community property state so in reality it was “our” candleholder. Third, Anthony broke the one that matched it so it looked kind of alone anyway.”

“What do you mean “was our candleholder”?

“Ehhhh…. Okay maybe it’s just me but I thought that candleholder looked a little depressed since the other one broke. You never know sometimes everything seems normal and then WHAMMO!!!”

“Did you break my candleholder?”

“Technically? No not technically. Technically it threw itself in front of the football.”


“It wasn’t actually a throw it was more of a pitch.”


“Tis the season.”

“And who was the idiot you were “pitching” the football to?”

“You shouldn’t end your sentences with a preposition.”

“Okay, who was the idiot you were pitching the football to, dickhead?”


“Where’s my sword?”

“Okay, Okay, it was like this. I was watching the Charger preseason game and I started singing to myself, “Are you ready for some football?” and apparently I’m not.”

“What does singing have to do with throwing a football in the house?”

“Pitching, pitching a football in the house. I would never throw a football in the house that would be irresponsible.”

“Get to the point, dead man talking.”

“Well the song wasn’t the same without having a football in my hands so I went out to the garage and got a football. I was walking back into the living room kind of tossing the ball up in a pitching motion when I accidentally hit the chandelier and the ball ricocheted off and then the candleholder tried to catch it. It was kind of a diving catch attempt actually. If it had hands it probably would have caught it. It was soooo close.”

“So you’re telling me that you threw a football to “yourself” and couldn’t catch it.”

“Uh… It was good defense by the chandelier.”

“What’s the rule about throwing a football in the house?”

“That doesn’t apply to me I’m the man of the house.”

“Right. Mr. Maturity. Okay here’s the deal Calabrese. You are going to replace “both” of those candleholders…”

“That sucks. Why do we need candles anyway? Check this out (click) ta da! Light. We don’t need candles. We’re in America we have electricity. They all smell like my Aunt Maria anyway. Who thought the Aunt Maria smell would be good in a candle?”

“That’s lavender idiot. In addition you are never to bring a football, baseball, basketball, soccer ball, tennis ball or any other kind of ball into this house. Capiche? Do you get it? Am I clear?


“Don’t be a smartass.”

“Fine, I get it, no balls. Sounds like my life. If I had any balls I’d tell you what to do with your candleholders. I hated those candleholders. I’m glad they’re broken. Stupid candleholders. Communist candleholders.”

“Finish your whining, A.J. is here with Alex.”

“Hi Poppa, Hi Gramma!!!”

“Hey Alex. What’s up little buddy?”

“Hey Poppa!!! You wanna watch the game and play catch like we did “lasterday”?”


“That was fun, “member” when you were singing and you broke that thing? That was funny. You’re funny Poppa.”


“You should have seen it Gramma. It was funny. Poppa made me stand on the chair so I wouldn’t walk on the glass.”


“Hey Gramma wanna play catch with me?”

“Let’s go outside and play sweetheart you shouldn’t play catch in the house.”

“I…. Uh… He…. Crud…”

“I’ll deal with you later.”

“Are you ready for some football?”