Monday, August 21, 2006

Shaken Not Stirred.

(Quick note) I have switched my blog subscription service from Bloglet, which never seemed to work correctly, to Feedblitz. All of you who are my subscribers should have been transferred automatically over from Bloglet. Hopefully you will receive updates correctly now. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I’m worried about today’s youth.

They don’t know how to drink anymore.

It doesn’t matter where you go they’re all drinking an energy drink mixed with alcohol.

They don’t get the whole point of having a drink.

You drink to relax, to forget your troubles for a moment, have sex with an ugly woman and eventually pass out in Denny’s.

Not stand on a chair screaming “WOOOOHOOOO JAEGERBLASTERS!!!!”

And the guy drinking the Red Bull and vodka is always the biggest asshole when he’s drunk. Then again he’s always an asshole but now he’s mixed liquid speed with alcohol so he can be louder and more irritating.

You know the type; at some point in the evening he’s going to put the cocktail waitress in a headlock until she tells him she loves him.

In the old days you knew eventually this dickhead was going to pass out.

Not now.

Now you need a stun gun and a frying pan to bring him down.

You ever try to talk with someone who is slurring their speech while they have the shakes?

“Hey man you okay?”

“I I I I I ‘mmmmmmmm ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuu*&^*^**&&*^^*&^&**&^&*^*&D up maaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn. JAEGERBLASTERS!!!!!!!!!”

Can you see this guy at an AA meeting?

“Sit down please. Would you please sit down? Yeah we know your name is Bryan and you’re an alcoholic. We get it. You’ve told us sixteen times. For the love of god sit your ass down. Have a brownie and a cube of sugar and relax.”

And ladies at least in the old days if you were married or living with an asshole you had a chance of not having sex with him when he was drunk. There was always the shot that he might pass out and then in the morning you could lie to him and tell him what a great lover he is when he’s been drinking.

And he would believe you.

Not now.

Jaeger boy is going to have sex with something he just can’t focus on what it is.

Hide the cat and your favorite pillow.

What if Kennedy and Khrushchev drank Jaeger Blasters?

We’d all be dead.


“OH YEAH!!! Well have your wife count out on her hooves how old she is ya balded headed commie bastard!!!

Instead we had peace through cognac.

“Hey Kru, I luv ya Kru, ya cute commie bashtard.”

“I don unerstand. Ure name ees John. Vhy du ze call you Jack?”

Um… has anyone checked to see what Rumsfeld, Cheney and Bush are drinking?

Yup, Jaeger Blasters!!!

Why can’t these people drink responsibly?

I do.

Whenever I go into a bar I always go over and look at all the different types of alcohol they serve and I say to myself, “What would Jesus drink?”

And apparently it’s Patron.

I only drink good tequila like Patron because it usually comes with a lime and I’m supposed to have five servings of fruits and vegetables a day.

Plus I don’t want to get scurvy.

And tequila drinkers know that good tequila will not give you a hangover.

It’s true.

It gives you what’s called a “floater”.

Let me explain.

Let’s say you’re out all night drinking Patron. You come home you crash. You wake up in the morning and go to take that first good pee… and just as you start to go…

You look out the bathroom door…

and see your body…

Still lying in your bed.

That’s a “floater”.

And that’s why some people say tequila makes you stupid.

But not me.

I think tequila simply unlocks the box... you... keep your stupid in.

So I implore the youth of today to quit the energy drinks and alcohol and have a drink the way God intended... on the rocks with a dash of lime.

And for the record, it doesn’t mean its okay to be the designated driver if you’re only drinking “Jack and Diet Coke”.