It happens to all of us some day.....

I haven’t written for a while.

I guess it’s because I’m ashamed.

I knew it could happen.

I’ve heard stories.

I just never thought it would happen to me.

I guess it comes with age. I just figured that since I was Italian maybe I’d be okay. You know, because we eat a lot of tomatoes and garlic.

You start to think of all the things you could have done differently. This may come as a shock but there is the slight possibility that I may not have taken the best care of myself. I just figured what the hell? I’m going to die anyway.

That was probably a mistake.

I should have worked out, eaten right, read a few books, popped a few vitamins, watched Oprah…something.

But no…….

I took it for granted that it was the one thing I could always rely on.

I was wrong.

Now I’ve shed the tears. Part of me thinks life’s not worth living anymore. I… I… I… just don’t know how I’ll get by. I know it’s not totally necessary but it was a part of me. It made me feel whole. It completed me.

Now I have a hard time looking my wife in the face.

I feel so humiliated.

In a way almost dirty.

I just can’t forget it.

It’s so fresh in my mind.

My wife and I were about to share in one of those most intimate moments. You know, we had just gone to the couch.

Then it happened.

I reached over and… and… it was gone.

“What are you doing?”

“What?”

“Give me back my remote.”

“Your remote?”

“That’s right, my remote.”

“You do not seriously think that you own the remote?”

“Of course I do it’s the only thing in the house that’s truly mine. Now give it to me.”

“Back off Buckwheat!!! I’m watching “The Closer” tonight and you are not going to be flipping channels while I’m trying to watch my show.”

“Buckwheat?”

“That’s right.”

"You just called me Buckwheat.”

“Deal with it.”

“Give me back the remote you don’t know how to use that thing. You could put an eye out or something.”

“No, I’m tired of missing parts of my shows because you’re still channel surfing when they come out of commercial.”

“For the love of god woman that’s what you are supposed to be doing with the remote. Otherwise I’d have to stand next to the television punching the channel up/down button.”

“Listen to me. Read my lips. We’ve been married for twenty eight years. For the first twenty eight years you got the remote. Now it’s my turn.”

“But I’m the man. The man gets the remote. It’s natural law. I think it’s even in the Bible. God gave Adam the remote. He made it out of a peanut or something. Even Dr. Phil says the man gets the remote. What’s wrong with you? Remote Envy? Oh my god I can’t breathe. Please give me the remote. PLEEEEAAAASE!!!!!!”

“Bite me.”

“This is crazy. Just give me the remote and let’s get our lives back. Think of the children. Our grandkids. What kind of example would we be setting for them?”

“You can whine all you want but I’ve got the remote and the TV is staying on one channel for the entire evening unless I want to change it.”

"But… BUT… THAT’S INSANE!!! The TV is supposed to change channels. It… It… It lives to change channels. You are screwing with forces you have no idea how to deal with. You can’t change history. When Walter Cronkite invented television over two hundred years ago he knew that a man had to control it otherwise there’d be nothing on but “So You Think You Can Dance” and “The Gilmore Girls”. NOW PLEEEEEAASE I’m begging you, give me the remote.”

“Nope.”

“Okay I’ve tried reasoning with you. But you are about to become Lebanon. Now hand over the remote before I get medieval on your ass.”

“HAHAHAHAHA!!! Go ahead. Make my day.”

“I’m bigger than you. I could just take it.”

“I have a sword.”

“That’s not fair you have everything in this house. I should get one thing. One thing. That’s all I want. Just one thing and I choose the remote.”

"You can choose all you want. You’re not getting this remote.”

“I feel sick. I think I need to go to Urgent Care. Chest pains….. Hot flash…. Everything is blurry… Mom is that you?”

“For Christ sake! You are not getting the remote. PERIOD. Just go watch TV in the den.”

"It’s not the same. That’s a 30 inch TV this is a 67 inch TV. The remote works better on this TV.”

“Give it up numbnuts.”

“Fine. But this is on your head. When the illegal immigrants come to take the remote away I won’t be there to defend you. When Donald Rumsfeld confiscates all the remotes to keep them out of the hands of “Al-Qaeda” don’t come running to me.”

“Now what?”

“I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I’M FREE…”

“Knock it off. My show is on.”

“AND I WON’T FORGET THE MEN WHO DIED TO GET THE REMOTE FOR ME…”

“I’m warning you Calabrese.”

“AND I’D GLADLY STAND UP NEXT TO…OUCH!!!! COMMUNIST!!!

“Why do you have to act like such a child?”

“Stop throwing the coasters at me. CAUSE THERE AIN’T NO DOUBT I LOVE THIS LAND NOW GIVE ME MY DAMN REMOTE!!!!”

“FINE!!! But if that channel changes just once. If the sound should magically go up or down. If the color fades in or out just once I am going to get my sword. Capiche Calabrese?”

“Yes. Thank you. Don’t worry about it. I’m just going hold it. Come to poppa. That's it. You saved a man’s life today honey you should feel really good about yourself.”

"Uh Huh."

click……

“OUCH!!!! It slipped…C’mon give it back, give me another chance…..”