Friday, July 14, 2006

I'm a man, yes I am, I'm a man.......


“What’s up son?”


“Do you think I look gay?”

“Um... today?”

“Any day dad.”

“Well there are some days you look overly happy, but no, never gay.”

“Dad, I was getting sushi for me and Kim and I got hit on by two gay guys and a fat Asian girl I think was a guy.”

“It’s the sushi. You can’t order sushi without sounding gay.”


“I think a “California Roll” has a totally different meaning in the gay community.”

“Dad I swear it doesn’t make sense. I was dressed in a dirty tee shirt and pants.”

“Well that explains it.”

“Explains what dad?”

“The construction worker look, you know, its fun to stay at the Y…M…C…A…, the Village people, construction worker.”

“But I wasn’t even acting gay.”


“I was leaning on my car waiting for my sushi smoking a cigarette.”

“Dressed like a construction worker. Let’s put this all together son. You’re in a dirty tee shirt and dirty pants, you’ve just ordered sushi, you’re leaning on your car, and you’re smoking a cigarette…. You’re pretty much sending out the “gaydar” at that point son.”

“I spoke in a low voice. I mean really low voice.”

“Doesn’t matter son. Gay people loved Barry White.”

“This sucks dad. I used to get hit on by hot chicks. Then I got married and had a kid and now gay guys hit on me.”

“I think it’s because you’ve got the whole father figure thing going on now. Gay people like sushi, Barry White and father figures.”

“Have you ever had a gay guy hit on you dad?”


“Not even once?”

“Well there was this one chick with an Adams apple that wanted to buy me a drink after a show.”

“Did you take the drink?”

“Free Patron? Are you kidding me?”

“Did it bother you?”


“Why not?”

“Son after forty nine years on this planet I’ve come to realize that I am totally secure with my manhood. I don’t sweat stuff like this son. I know I’m a heterosexual male, a manly man. I also never eat sushi, order coffee from Starbucks, go antiquing, wear anything pink, listen to Madonna or do Feng Shui.”

“Huh... So it really didn’t bother you.”

“Actually it made me feel kind of attractive.”

“I don’t know dad. I don’t want people to even think I’m a little gay.”

“Son, knock off that raw fish crap and have a cheeseburger and some onion rings. Gay people never order onion rings. And you can’t be a little gay, you either watch the Bravo channel or you don’t.”

“You’re just totally breaking my balls here aren’t you?”

“Ya think? C’mon son this is 2006. You can watch the Bravo channel and not be gay.”

“Can I eat sushi?”

“Only if it comes with onion rings."