Saturday, July 15, 2006

If it quacks like a duck.....

“Honey wake up!”

“Jesus what is it?”

“You tell me.”

“Tell you what? It’s four o’clock in the morning.”


“To what?”

“That sound.”

“It sounds like... a duck?”

“Do we have ducks in San Diego?”

“Apparently we do now.”

“Well do something about it.”

“What would you like me to do?”

“Make it stop quacking.”

“You want me to get out of bed at four o’clock in the morning, go outside and chase off a duck?”

“I just want it to stop quacking.”

“What if it’s not a duck? What if it’s a cheetah using duck sounds to lure a duck to its death?”

“Just get up and look out the window.”

“Fine............... Uh....... It’s a duck.”

“What’s it doing?”


“It’s just standing there quacking?”

“Well babe I’m not exactly an expert on ducks. He could be reading the paper; it’s hard to tell from here.”

“Smartass go outside and scare it away.”

“What if there’s more than one of them?”

“Don’t even tell me you’re afraid of a duck.”

“I’m afraid of all nature. I don’t do nature. I eat nature. You want me to get rid of a duck sandwich, I’m all over it.”

“Just get the broom and chase him off.”

“Ducks are afraid of brooms? Where did you learn this? Oprah?”

“Then bang some pots together to make noise to scare him away.”

“Let me get this straight. You want me to go outside at four o’clock in the morning, in this neighborhood, and bang pots together to scare off a duck?”

“Bang them softly. Just please make it stop so I can go back to sleep.”

“Of for the love of god, fine.”

(1 minute later)

“Psssssst!!! HONEY!!! PSSSSSSSST!!!!! Look out the window.”

“What are you doing out there?”

“It’s okay. It’s not a real duck.”

“How do you know? Whack it with the broom.”

“Uh... because I think it’s made of wood.”

“Who’s out there with you?”

“It’s our next door neighbor, Tom.”

“Did he hear the duck too?”

“Uh... It’s his duck. I mean, he is the duck. It’s a decoy babe.”

“Why is it quacking?”

“Um... The ducks not quacking. Tom’s quacking. He’s practicing duck calls.”


“Honey? Babe? Dude you better hope she didn’t go get her sword.”

“Tell that idiot to shut the $%^& up or I’ll come down there and shove that duck call.....”

“No problem babe.”

“And tell him to get a real pet!!!”