Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Happy Birthday To Me!!!!

Today is my 49th birthday.

Some people get wished a happy birthday with the birthday wisher trying to guess how old they are.

“Happy Birthday Tony. So how old are you? Wait let me guess. Forty Nine?”

“Yes… Forty nine… Lucky guess…”

I look my age.

My exact age.

I can’t pass for anything other than forty nine.

A few hours earlier I actually looked forty eight and then whammo!!! Now I look forty nine.

It happens to me every year.

My wife still gets carded while they look at me like grandpa is taking his daughter out for a drink.

“What about my ID? Do you want to see my ID?”

“Uh… Sure… What is that? Your senior discount card?”

I get the most comments from these twenty something year old waifs after I get off stage at a comedy club.

“Man, you’re old enough to be my daddy.”

“Really, does your daddy know about the ring in your nose and the tattoo that looks like Charles Manson above your ass?

“It’s a California condor, and I haven’t seen my dad in six years, not since he divorced my mom and turned gay.”

Oh I know some guys my age are running off with these twenty something year old girls. That’s not for me. I couldn’t stand the music and I wouldn’t look good in the passenger seat of a red Volkswagen Jetta with some girl named Brittany who thinks I’m paying her college tuition.

When my family asked what I wanted for my birthday I told them nothing. There was nothing they could buy me. I’m way past that stage. I’m at that age now where I don’t want or need any material things.

When I was twenty nine I wanted a VCR and a big “27” inch TV.

Now all I want is an oval shaped toilet whenever I need to use it.

Not one of those nutcrackers.

Guys, you know the ones.

The toilets shaped like a circle.

The nutcrackers.

Here are some of the hotels in Las Vegas that have officially been cleared by me for having oval shaped toilets. The Venetian, Bellagio, The TI, The Monte Carlo, The MGM Grand.

Not the Mirage Hotel. The Mirage has little circle “chick” toilets.

So whenever I book a hotel room I always ask about the toilets. Because you can stay in a very fancy hotel, one that has a toilet and a foot wash right next to it, and the foot wash is shaped like an oval and the toilet is a little circle.

I know… it’s not a foot wash.

Well I know now.

The first time I saw a “bidet” was in Italy.

I had absolutely no clue what that thing was. A foot wash seemed the logical choice.

When I turned it on the water shot up and hit the ceiling.

That was a very powerful foot wash.

They needed it because they were stomping on all of those grapes.

That’s what I was thinking at the time.

Before I was reminded that I was an idiot.

I’ve always wondered how you check the water temperature on those things.

And why do they need a plug in the drain? Who’s filling that thing up?

These are the questions a forty nine year old man asks himself.

So I’m now at the cusp of fifty years old and my biggest concern in life is toilet shapes.

These are the thoughts I will be passing on to my grandchildren.

That and a list of all the hotels I ever stayed at with oval shaped toilets.

The rest of you will have to bid on that list on E-Bay because I’m still trying to pay for that lobster in my last post.